Sad Monday

so last night i had this dream that i was breast feeding. and it was totally vivid and amazing. i even included some specific details and frustrations like how one side worked better than the other, having to find places to hide to nurse in public, etc. i woke up smiling, feeling so certain that this was my truth, my near future.

and then this morning i started spotting, so i went to my OB this afternoon and the ultrasound revealed that, although i thougt i was at about 9 wks gestation, my baby had stopped growing at 5 wks and 6 days. there was no heart beat and it was much tinier than it should have been if growing all this time. this was pretty obvious pretty quickly. despite all the symptoms i've been having (sore boobs, constant peeing, starvation= 10 lb weight gain), i've been not pregnant for about a month now, just carrying on like a hormonal sucker as if i was. sigh.

and now i'm real bleeding. and real cramping. my OB says i won't need a D & C, but will just bleed out all the tissue on my own. and then, if we're up for it, we take a month off to let my uterus shed out all the bad juju and then can take clomid again to get the party re-started the next month.

not sure where we stand on that just yet. i am swinging every five minutes from "can't do this again, clearly body not meant to carry babies to term, better adopt" to "other people have had healthy kids after multiple miscarriages, this is just a fluke thing, don't be a pansy."

one thing i have no doubt about, though, is that i am going to have a child. not sure when or by what means, but i see him. i know he exists. and i still want to meet him.

after the doctor's office, robb and i came home and cried for a while and then we jumped on our bikes and road to get funny movies at the video store, then rode to get sushi. because i can. now we're home drinking wine. because i can.

and on the way home, we passed a mother walking with her toddler son. the sun was in my eyes and so i could really only make out the general outline of the child and hear his little voice. but i knew he was there. i guess that's how i'm feeling about my child right now. he's not in my belly. he's not imminent, but i can see him in the distance. he's fuzzy but you can't miss him.