"This is My Son Charlie. Have I Told You About His 14 lb Butt Birth?"

seriously. it is a compulsion. women talk about their births. they cannot help themselves. i'm sure child birth is a life changing event, but does it have to define you? become the one tale you tell?

and what about a little discernment about the telling of this tale? i bring this up because several times this week i marvelled at the inappropriate sharing.

one of my favorite docs was recently at a business meeting in new york with some very hotshot people at the top of their corporate ladders. millionaires. who all happened to be women. and guess what the conversation devolved to?? with my male doctor sitting right there? in a fancy new york restaurant? that's right. afterbirth and episiotomies.

and then last night i was at a freaking bachelorette party, and guess what the "mommy" side of the table was talking about? just guess. i deliberately stayed with the rest of the party who were, appropriately, discussing penis cake and a new martini called "the happy ending." (sorry, could not find a recipe to link to, but it looks creamy and green-ish and i think was garnished with grapes?).

and then, finally, there are those countless times when women are sharing their most traumatic and gory birth tales with expecting mothers. sigh. is it an initiation? a rights of passage or something? like standing in line, watching people exit the scariest, hugest roller coaster in the park with ashen faces and bits of vomit in their hair- you know you're next and you still want to do it, but wouldn't it really be kinder if they routed the exit line away from you? or is anticipation part of the thrill?

and all in all, are these like war stories that retired vets sit around and tell each other and anyone else who will listen? is there a competitive element? whose labor lasted the longest, what pain meds were/weren't used, how much tearing occurred, etc?

will i understand this need to purge on poor unsuspecting victims once i've been through it? hmmm.

and as far as wallpaper/nursery decor goes- i really appreciate all your comments! great advice and ideas. the communists won, but only a little bit. and we're still kind of unsure on what we're going to do. but we'll keep you posted on our progress. thanks!

Decorating for Dummies

so, remember a while back when i said i didn't want to start working on a nursery or anything until the eleventh hour?

well, that was apparently rubbish, because we are now in heavy nesting mode.

first, we're having all the bedrooms and living room painted...so, we're making decorating decisions at this point about "the other bedroom where we'll put the crib."

and we've hit our first snag. it's a tiny room and we think one wallpapered accent wall with a fun pattern with the three other walls in a coordinating paint color (with maybe some decals that match the wallpaper pattern) would work nicely.

i need you to vote. help me win this fight. choose wisely. i won't tell you which one i prefer just yet.

do you prefer exhibit A on one wall with otherwise white walls and these decals on the other 3 walls??

or exhibit B with pale yellow walls with maybe some paintings or decals of some sort on the other 3 walls?

so, whatcha think? i invite your comments and suggestions. but make sure you pick the one i want. (otherwise the communists win).

Life. Lemons. Fat. Cake.

well, i had my 21 week checkup yesterday. and it went swimmingly.

heart rate (baby's) and belly measurements (mine) are right on track. doctor again said everything was "perfect." (i think he's caught on to the fact that patients hang on his every word, so he is very careful which words he uses).

so, that's all very reassuring.

however, i have mixed feelings on the fact that i weighed in at a WHOPPING 193 lbs. several months ago i was making jokes about reaching 200, thinking 'there's no way! that is such a very long way off and i will be such a healthy, fit pregnant lady and need never reach that number.'

and then there came the mashed potatoes. and the #6 veggie sandwich from jimmy john's (seriously- have you tried it? to die for). and the cookies. and the cake. and the ice cream. sigh.

still, i am attempting not to worry about it much. i mean, i'm healthy. baby's healthy. it's not like i'm up there from 120 lbs...after 2 years of pregnancies and miscarriages and fertility drugs, i was packing a little extra lovin'. i think i started in the mid 160's to low 170's (not sure. stopped weighing myself on our wii ages ago and didn't get weighed in officially at ob/gyn until i was 13 wks along). so i've gained around 20-25 lbs so far. (normal is gaining 2-4 lbs during first three months of pregnancy and 1 pound a week for the remainder).

so, if i keep going at this rate, i might have another 19 lbs to go! hmmm. and that would put me at...hmmm. robb says he thinks our weights will match by april. bastard.

meh. i'm over it. this will likely be my last pregnancy. i'm gonna enjoy the hell out of the whole process. even if that means having to work my arse off after delivery to get back to my boxing weight.

and, when i do cross over to 200#...i'm taking a costco cake into work.

life. lemons. fat. cake.


ooh...this is kind of cool. from WebMD. i have posted any appropriate changes for my specificities.

Where the Weight Gain Goes During Pregnancy

Baby	8 pounds
Placenta	2-3 pounds
Amniotic fluid	2-3 pounds
Breast tissue	2-3 pounds (35 pounds per breasticle for sarah)
Blood supply	4 pounds
Fat stores for delivery and breastfeeding	5-9 pounds
Uterus increase	2-5 pounds
Total	25 to 35 pounds (95-105 pounds expected for sarah)

It's Official!

so you remember back around Thanksgiving when i described the horrible heart break of some friends of ours who were in the process of adopting, had been matched with birth parents, had actually met the little boy and then the birth parents changed their (teenage idiot) minds?

well, we are still praying that there is a happy, healthy ending for that little guy and his family.

but we are REJOICING as our friends now officially, legally, and permanently have a beautiful amazing and healthy little girl. she is adorable, makes the cutest little pig noises, and is giving them a run for their money (as any good new baby will do).

it's so exciting watching them figure things out. they seem so natural and calm and grown up about the whole thing. i've been very impressed. and extremely glad they went first. now, i will have recent and nearby experts to seek advice on what to do/not to do with our newborn. they are doing a great job of keeping their cool despite no sleep and complete about face change of life. it's amazing. they seem to genuinely be enjoying themselves and it's such a wonderful thing to see. thanks to God.

a lot.

This Is What I'm So Looking Forward To...

Big Girl Panties

and BAM!

none of my clothes fit. like t-shirts that are usually roomy sleeper/workout t's are now belly shirts. (i think they must have shrunk in the dryer).

we discussed the whole boob thing a few posts back, and i've gotten some nursing bras (each cup the size of my head) that are doing the job.

but the belly band over the old jeans thing just stopped working. and as i've already mentioned, my shirts look like wee little versions of their formal selves. so we've moved on to maternity clothes exclusively. i folded up all my regular wardrobe and packed it up in storage with a little twinge. i borrowed most of my new, extra large wardrobe from friends and i've bought some (surprisingly cute) maternity jeans to get me through.

but these changes, they are drastic. or they feel that way. my balance is changing. i get short of breath. it's really goofy feeling.

cheers!

I Have So Much Lust For...

on my way home tonight, after a long day at work away from home and my crazy hot husband, i had this mad, burning need that i knew could only be quenched in one way. it was so all powering, it made my palms sweat and my pupils dilate. every cell in my body was awake, like i had discovered another realm of existence where pleasure was the only currency.

i had to have a BK veggie burger. extra pickles. slice of cheese. oooohhhh.

this is how it's been lately. food is my absolute #1 priority. at any given moment, i can tell you what i want and what i'd be willing to do for it (or more accurately, the list of what i wouldn't do for it might be shorter). i sing girl scout cookie praises across the mountain tops. i whisper love poetry to the chickenless chicken noodle soup or baconless BLT's. i croon for the chocolate peanut butter we just bought. on a piece of toast, an apple, a spoon, some asphalt...

i wish i felt even 1/100 this interest in sex right now. i just can't. i think all the blood is being shunted away from my lady bits toward my mouth. sorry, babe.

now pass the gravy.

The Things People Say/Penis Panic

so since we can breathe a little easier about the current health and wellness of the bebe, i can now move on to worrying about other things..

pink or blue? ponies or trucks? miniature msu cheerleading outfits or jerseys?

we've gotten a lot of flak for not finding out the sex of our little nugget. (i'm talking to you, lou).

and we've also gotten lots of guesses. there are so many superstitions and wives' tales about predicting sex in utero....from how you're carrying to which way the spoon swings over your tummy to heartburn to skin conditions.

earlier this week i was told that it must be a girl because "when you're carrying a boy, you just jut out in front like a basketball, but when it's a girl, you get round all over..and just look at how much your face has filled out." :) nice. (i will continue to update you on the dumb things people say out loud to pregnant women). i've also been told that it must be a girl because all my work friends are having boys and the universe has to equal out somehow. but then today 2 people predicted a boy. so i'm thinking that one of these two theories is correct. it will either be one or the other.

it's honestly bothering everyone else more than it's bothering me. i will say it again that i don't think sex effects personality as much as we think it does. it only defines small parts of you. or that is what i want to believe. but really, i am more similar to robb than i am to most women i know, and vice versa. i've never understood those couples who, when with other couples, split off into girls/boys like a middle school dance. people are either interesting to me or they are not. it has little to do with whether or not they also have ovaries.

HOWEVER, i will admit that all along i've secretly assumed that it will be a girl. i was a girl. and my sisters were both...girls. and most of my cousins are girls. so i know more what to do with girl small people. and i have this conviction about raising up the next generation of strong, powerful, interesting, dynamic girls who can hold their own in the world. i guess i assume that boys automatically have those traits, or that society encourages them in boys so i don't have to nurture them as much. and i automatically assume that girls are good listeners, and are sensitive to others' needs. so those traits that i stereotypically assume are lacking in one sex or the other are what i would want to reinforce with my own kid. does that make sense?

plus, i have this growing fear of mother/son relationships as they can be pretty bizarre. i just really don't want to make my son into norman bates, you know? please don't let me. if you see the signs, call the authorities. and i don't want to be outnumbered. i worry that a boy will be into boy stuff that i just don't understand. i am piss poor at video games. i hate football on tv. i prefer to talk it out than punch it out. and i fear wearing an apron, slaving in the kitchen while all the men in the house sit on their duffs. (on the other hand, i like rolling around in the dirt and am not at all opposed to eating boogers).

but there i go again, being all sexist and predicting a stereotype that doesn't play out in my own life. robb is an excellent communicator, does half of the housework, and doesn't live his life for sports or video games. so i have no reason to believe that the two of us would raise a boy child to be the things that i fear.

and it's not like i would better know what to do with a girly girl who wants to practice cheers all the time and braid each others hair.

i think that the gist of it is that now that i realize we might actually get to meet this kid i am starting to realize how much responsibility it is. not just to keep them alive, but to form them. whoa. to work within our own construct and sensibilities and life experiences without imposing all of our anxieties and neuroses on them? holy crap.

i should start my apologies now and saving up for some darned good therapy.

19 week ultrasound today- Baby Z

healthy and normal and on track for june 8th. weighs a whopping 10 oz. at 50th percentile for growth and spine is closed, ventricular septum is closed, heart chambers are formed, two kidneys, bladder, brain with all the parts forming properly, lip/palette normal...what else? very active and funny to watch, i could watch it all day. and oh my gosh, you should see its little runners legs! so muscular and shapely. is that possible on something the size of a mango? see below. judge for your ownself. hot, right?

But Where Do All the Pregnant Strippers Go?

so, let's say you have a slightly above average sized girl who sports on a non-pregnant day around a size 36DD bra. let's just say.

then she gets knocked up and her boobs gain ground...a lot of ground. like each one is the size of a small child or a rather large woodland creature.

so, before she accidentally drops one on someone and causes their death, she takes herself to the specialty brassiere shop and maternity stores at the local fancy mall.

there, much to her dismay, she finds that she is at the top of their freaking charts. the big BIG bras in the bottom drawers that, needless to say, only come in old lady colors and sizes, aren't even really doing the job. their little wee straps just don't look up to the task at hand. and there's all kind of squish coming out the sides and bottoms that need not be there.

what we're needing here for our young lady is a harness-type device. some sort of NASA engineered rope and pulley system with, maybe, a little lace.

but, really, it is rather frustrating and perplexing. because while this girl in my hypothetical example does have some knockers grandes, she has a normal BMI and isn't officially any sort of giantess or anatomical freak. and she has not been augmented like so many out there have. so there HAVE to be women out there with bigger tats that need good support. WHERE DO THEY GO?

and, PS, our girl is not even half way done being pregnant! what will happen when they are completely ripe? shudder to think.

shudder to think.

Bummer Remix (Again). Only Read if You're Up For It

this week i've been a little down.

i passed another one of my due dates. the coworker who was due within a couple days of me is at home with her infant son. or, if you'd rather be morose in a different direction, my first baby would be 10 months old right now had it lived. why do this sad math? dunno. can't seem to shake it.

it is probably easier this time that i am currently pregnant, but as we know there are no guarantees with pregnancy and i'm still holding my breath for this one... it would be mo' betta' if i were actually holding my kid right now, ya know?

and since admitting in my Christmas letter to people we don't see often that we've had multiple miscarriages this year and are bravely attempting a third go at it, i've heard back from many of them who have had their own variation of horror this year. many of them had losses at later dates and in scarier ways than mine. i love LOVE love that we can talk about this and that we women aren't just pushing the grief inside, but instead sharing it....but i hurt for all of them. i worry for all of their (blessings, yes, but still scary) current pregnancies and i panic with them as any abnormalities are found along the way.

and i hear reflected in them a regret or almost guilt that they aren't more gleeful about their current pregnancy. like we expect ourselves to somehow forget and move on and plan for a positive outcome that we've never known. it just seems like a lot to ask. and that it is the last thing we need to do, putting pressure on ourselves to be unabashedly happy when it seems naive and premature. it's hard. it's scary. there are no promises. we just have to hope and pray and attempt to stay optimistic.

sigh. i know i'm a downer today. sorry about all that.

on a lighter note....this came from a funny pregnancy question/answer page.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
~‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

It Ain't Eazy Being Greazy.

there's this coworker of mine who is drop dead gorgeous and some sort of medical marvel. she gained 65 lbs with her first pregnancy 2 yrs ago but had lost ALL OF IT by the time she got back from maternity leave 12 weeks later. she's pregnant again now and is already at 50 some lbs gain but isn't very worried about it because, again, she's a freak of nature.

needless to say, i'm listening to every piece of advice she has on pregnancy. she told me today to get a strappy harnessy belly band thing to take pressure off of bladder when i'm a bigger giantess in a few months. will do. she also told me to lather up in cocoa butter to avoid stretch marks.

so i went to the store and loaded up and now...i am like a glazed dolphin.