It Seems Real Now

13 weeks and going strong. ultrasound today was a success. didn't sleep much last night in preparation for it, but all was wonderful.

we've never gotten this far before. uncharted territory now. baby was at proper size and movement and heartbeat and all of it. we are feeling very relieved and thankful right now. thanks to everyone for praying for "baby z." even when i haven't been able to crawl out of my own fear enough to be thankful and worship, you all have been doing it for me and i am very grateful.

smooches!!

5 More Days 'Til Answers . And Also 5 day weekend!

it's been a looooong 5 wks as i wait for my next ultrasound. but it's this coming monday (29th) in the morning.

i can't help but be afraid. i think i'm bracing myself for bad news. and at this stage, bad news would mean surgery to expel the bad news. these are the dark thoughts i'm trying to fight off.

and yet i'm still having all kinds of symptoms (nausea, food aversions, cravings, fatigue, dizziness), so i hope those are confirming good news. they are, right? right?

i hope that if all is well at monday's appt, i can relax a bit. i will officially be several weeks past where i've gotten in prior pregnancies, and that is wonderful.

please pray. i'm having trouble doing that because i still seem to see prayer as some sort of fortune cookie. like i can ask the cookie for what i want, but my destiny is already pre-printed on a little slip of paper on the inside, so how can i persuade God to change the path he already knows my life will be taking? begging for health last pregnancy didn't do squat. if you have any suggestions on this, i'd love to hear them. i'm feeling ungrateful and awful but i can't seem to adjust my thinking. sorry, God. i'm trying.

Kids, They Will Break Your Heart

so, just as we've seen that there are no guaranties with pregnancy, we are also seeing now intimately that there are no guarantees with adoption.

the same wonderful, amazing, exceptional friends whom i wrote about the other day in celebration for the birth of their new little one are now grieving as the birth parents have decided to keep him. after spending months getting to know the birth family and preparing for the life changing arrival and then long days and nights in the hospital with 'their son,' they now feel like they have lost him as they likely will never see him again.

their pain and devastation is profound and reminds me a lot of the days following my losses. but in many ways so much worse, as they got to meet their little person and they have a house full of baby stuff now.

it just sucks.

my heart is breaking for them. and for all the other friends we now know through our infertility/ miscarriage support groups who also had adoptions fall through. some even took their child home before learning that the birth parents had a change of heart.

i try to be empathetic toward the birth parents. i can't imagine a harder decision to have to make. and especially when they are teenagers like these people are. the magnitude of this decision, the intensity of these relationships is something they've never experienced before. and it's probably impossible for them, especially with their limited world view and experience, to predict how challenging it will be to continue making the right decision even after seeing the baby.

i pray that they have the support and wisdom to be patient, loving, mature parents to this little guy. i imagine that our friends were needed by this baby, this family over those few days in the hospital and the months leading up to this and that they may never know the impact they made on this child or the family. by being an incredible example of God's people and a fantastic married couple, they showed these birth parents how to be a strong couple, genuinely loving, good people, and great parents. they've given them many gifts. i know it hurts now, but God has to be involved in this whole mess and will sort it all out. we just have to believe that.

it is very hard not to focus on the loss, but our friends are doing their best to survive this and to rebound as much as possible as they never know when another baby might be born that needs their love.

bless them, please God. hold them and love them. we do.

Wooooooo Hooooooo! Now, After All That Excitement, I Need a Nap

so, two of our favorite people are adopting a baby boy and he was born last night! everyone is healthy and happy. things are still a bit nerve racking until custody is officially exchanged and such, but we are very hopeful and feeling so excited and blessed for them! yay! they are going to be amazing, incredible parents and they've been waiting a long time to meet their kid. God is good.

and while they're at the hospital smelling that new baby smell, robb and i went out to breakfast this morning, to the farmers' market and then to the zoo to wander around in the sunshine. it was blissful, and maybe all told we walked 3 miles. but it was enough for me to require a long nap when we got home.

i do so much lying around these days. sleeping or near sleeping. that is how you'll find me. this growing fingers and toes thing wears a body out. :) :) :)

Sufferin Suckatash

i have this amazing coworker. i mean, she's really good at her job and she's also a genuinely wonderful person. we've gotten to know each other over time and after my last miscarriage, she revealed some really personal, difficult parts of her history to me.

sadly, during her time trying to have children, she suffered several miscarriages and years of fertility treatments that did not work. happily, she has overcome this hardship and is the best aunt ever to some 15 nieces and nephews. she's really proud of this role she has in their lives. i'm sure she's an amazing constant for them. funny and fun and smart and brave. they're very lucky to have her. also, her marriage survived all the loss and pain of that time of trying and they're going strong after 20+ years. i salute her (them).

today, i shared with her the good news of my pregnancy and then, of course, told her how nervous i am and she hugged me and just said "enjoy your moment."

huh. good point. as much as i wring my hands over how little control i have over everything, she's right. immediately right now i feel happy and excited and wonderful (pukey and tired and bloated!). i'm gonna enjoy it, dagnammit.

These Smells, They Are a Trying to Kill Me

it doesn't help that i work at a hospital. all day, every day the smells of poo and burning flesh fill the halls as a matter of fact. but i am smelling all of it in vivid, wide colorful odors. every nook and cranny has its own unique gross stink.

and the real world also offers its own pungent bouquet to my werewolf nose. there's some smell in the crevices of my car that can only be described as 'death.' i'm getting it detail cleaned hopefully later this week- otherwise i might have to sell it/drive it off a mountain.

as with my first pregnancy, robb's breath (which i usually find lovely- he is very careful about dental hygiene) has been repelling me. i feel like a total a-hole, but i cannot help it. i keep reassuring him that usually his chemistry and all his smells are wonderful to me, just not so much right now. poor guy.

again, the symptoms are reassuring, right?

How Am I Feeling?

this is the question i'm getting now 40 times a day since my cast at the theater (i'm doing a production of "steel magnolias" right now, have i mentioned that? i'm sure i have) and the whole OR now knows about my pregnancy. i had only told a few fellow PA's and asked them to mum's the word...and they did for a few weeks, miraculously, but now the word is out.

so...how am i feeling. pretty gross. (which is great!) i have thrown up twice. i seem to wretch every night when trying to brush my teeth and once it got the better of me. i had black eyes the next day from popping blood vessels. then yesterday as i was leaving work, the smell of the air freshener in my car twisted my insides and i 'released' the entire contents of a fruit salad into the parking lot next to my car.

but, thankfully, the nausea doesn't bother me much when i'm concentrating hard on something, so during play rehearsals and while scrubbed in the OR, i'm ok so far. let's hope that keeps up.

sleeping a lot. boobs still hurt. peeing all the time.

all these things together= awesome!! i'm relieved by the daily confirmation. thank you, God for my womiting. :)