I Wrote This Today

the 33 miners who have been stuck 2300 feet underground in a small cave in chile for the past 3 wks and who were just informed this weekend that they MIGHT NOT GET OUT UNTIL CHRISTMAS TIME were described as "in good spirits."

geez. brave, brave men, i applaud you.

and i pilfered from your tragedy and wrote this poem/song about my own (totally lame in comparison) current situation and blues:


I am 2000 feet under the ground
I will dig myself out
I can dig myself out

No one can rescue me from this heat, this dark, this fear, this sadness...
But I will dig myself out
I can dig myself out.

There is no magic answer
No pill, no simple solution
I have tried them all and failed.

And so...
And so...
What about my God?
My God, what about my God?
He broke my heart
And left me without.

But I'm tired of blaming and hating and waiting
and being buried in this shit

I will dig myself out, but I don't know the way.
I'm begging for God to give me a light to follow.

I can dig myself out,
But I will only get lost or get buried again if I'm trying alone.

I can dig myself out.
No one need carry me, pull me or move me.
But I will follow His path
To get out of this pit.

I will dig myself out
I can dig myself out

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab, and I said...Ok, Fine.

so robb acts like a sedative to me and usually talks me off my peaks and valleys of hopelessness and self-loathing. it's kind of his thing. always has been. but this week we were apart and i worked insane, stressful hours all while hormonally plunging deep into the blues. what was left by this weekend was a withered little anger ball who fell asleep and woke up crying. i went to a fun lake-side gathering of good friends last night and could only stay for a short time before i couldn't force a smile anymore and had to leave to go brood alone again. meh.

i realize that this has gone too far for too long. i think i'm in a genuine depression. i have to find something else to focus on besides failing at having children. there has to be more to define me, because i am tired of this person i've become. i need an out. a break.

and all this negativity is killing me- assuming i won't, i can't, and then that there will be death. it's not healthy. and i have guilt about being an ingrate. i have everything in the world- i am not starving, i am well provided for, i am healthy, i have a great marriage, my family is good and strong and healthy, i even have a fulfilling job and great friends. that's SO MUCH MORE than most people can list. and yet i'm caught on this one thing i can't seem to get. like veruca salt, i want what i want and NOW.

and robb alone can't save me from myself. i'm going to go back to the therapist. to face down some demons of my past that are lingering...before we quit going, the doc identified that he didn't think i'd ever truly grieved for my sister's death 16 yrs ago and that, consequently, i assume everyone close to me will leave or die. this year has conveniently enhanced that belief for me. but i shouldn't find that satisfying, i should find that devastating.

so i'm going to take my broken self and go try to be fixed. this is probably something i should do now, in case i ever do have another positive pregnancy test and have to try to stay optimistic through a pregnancy.

ouch. this all hurts. and opening these wounds...maybe it will release some of the pressure, or maybe it will hurt even more. yay.

I Gotta Tell You, I Think I Am Composed of More Than Sugar, Spice, and Nice

62.1% of pregnancies would be recognized by a pregnancy test by this day and i'm negative again.

i give up. just bring on my period (AF), so we can start all this bullsh*t again next month. but this time, my clomid dose will be raised so that my hot flashes might actually kill me.

signed,

crabbymeangirlkickingsmallanimalsintheheadjustforfun.

Bummer Remix

so here i am again in the time between ovulation and a period/pregnancy. according to one of the charting systems i'm using, taking a pregnancy test at this many days out from ovulation will only result in a positive in 14.9% of pregnancies, so reason tells me i should wait. but i don't and it's negative and then i'm moping around all day. because it's pretty clear to me this means that this month is another wash.

"it could happen this month, but it won't because good things do not happen to me." this is what is being chanted through my head against my will. and other thoughts that i would vanquish if i had better self control..."well, if i have a positive pregnancy test now, i can at least stop trying for a few months before i have another miscarriage. so that will be kind of nice to have a break."

hell. i feel like the bitterangryscared is winning right now. and this is all such a mind game. i'm taking progesterone in addition to that which my body is producing naturally, so i'm having many of the symptoms of pregnancy...and even though i know it is just the drug, i can't help, like an idiot, to hold out a little hope that maybe it's 'something more.'

grrrr....moodiness is part of those symptoms i'm experiencing. can you tell? :)

Little Green Monster

so last week when i was having a break down, robb told me something like, "you have to be stronger because there's no other choice." i think at the time i was lamenting how hard this has all been and how i just want to give up and how being optimistic for future pregnancy and children just seems like a cruel joke at times....generally feeling sorry for myself and very put upon. so when he said that, it kind of pulled me up short. but he's right. basically as tough as i think i've been, there is yet more required of me before we are done and have met our child.

drag.

but actually, i found some clarity and focus in that conversation and have felt like i'm moving forward purposefully and hopefully since then.

but i keep snagging on something. i get so jealous of pregnant people and new moms and such. this is a common theme among the infertile/miscarriage group. how do you stay joyful and loving toward your friends who are successfully reproducing? almost every single one of my coworkers is currently trying to get pregnant and it is a big struggle for me when they are successful. especially if they've only been trying for a hot minute. i'm trying to just be thankful and hopeful that they won't have to experience what i have, but i can't help but think...why have i had to experience what i have? what did i do wrong?

and i now know 3 women who will have 2 children in the time i've been trying to have my first. i'm sorry, i know i should be more gracious, but that kind of just makes me want to punch a wall.

Hee.

One Thing at a Time, One Day at a Time

i'm really trying to get through one chaotic chapter of my life at a time right now. and i'm attempting not to put too much pressure on myself about "the little things" that don't involve said chapter.

it was a year ago this week that the zombie tried to kill me and ate my baby. and in a recent post i bemoaned all the sh#t that has happened in the 12 months following. can one assume that a year like that will be followed by a great year? maybe so. did job assume the same thing? (melodramatic sigh inserted here).

we're off to a hopeful start. robb had an abdominoplasty last week (following a gradual 80lb weight loss over the past 8 yrs and keeping it off for several years now by being an athletic beast) and KNOCK ON A FOREST FULL OF WOOD, things are going swimmingly so far. his pain is minimal, he's eating and voiding, he's ambulating often and looks phenomenal. all around, top notch recovery. and i will admit that i was nervous about this. a lot. but maybe things are looking up.

and so now other than one grandpa with a new lung cancer diagnosis and some pending treatment for that, things seem to be more calm. dad's election is done, robb's surgery is done, major bummer landmark dates are passed...

time to refocus on baby making. this will be my new project for a while. and i'm not sweating the extra lbs i'm carrying these days (much) as i back off of intensive training for races and i'm not getting too antsy to make a big life change (get another dog/ renovate the house/ change jobs/ move, etc) because i am optimistic that one big baby change will befall us soon enough.

so there. i am mentally healthy and relaxed and zen about it. totally. yep. indeed. i haven't cried in...well, ok, less than 48 hrs. but still! cut me a break! i am totally healthy and relaxed and zen about it TODAY. isn't that good enough? :)

I Think I May Have Missed Some of the Point of Living a Healthy Lifestyle Pre-Pregnancy

i just took my prenatal vitamin with a glass of wine.


sigh.

What a (Bleeping) Year It's Been

so, i know the play "rent" is a bit over the top and ridiculous and deserves being poked at and parodied (hysterically) by the southpark guys in "team america," but the main song is very catchy. like a virus. (oh no she didn't...but she did! she totally did!).

this song, "seasons of love" conveys the length of a given year in not only seasons or months, weeks, or days, but in minutes. five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, to be exact.

in so many ways, that many minutes flies by. a year is nothing in a lifetime! on the other hand, when there are hard times in that year, they can accumulate and it can seem like an arduous, impossibly long amount of time.

so, all that being said...since last august, one year ago, the following has occurred...

i was hospitalized for a week with a long recovery thereafter. i've had 2 miscarriages- one at 11 wks gestation, one at 6. one grandpa was diagnosed and treated for colon cancer with a long recovery and complications thereafter. the other grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer and we're still waiting to get a plan. my dad blew out a disk and had back surgery with a long recovery and complications thereafter. my one grandma had to have shoulder surgery. the same previously mentioned dad ran for (cool!) and lost (bummer!) a US congressional seat in a very intense and heated battle.

all that! one year! crazy. so we can look at this huge pile of stress and wonder just how we survived all those 500 hundred thousand some odd moments this year.

on the other hand, we've had many blessings mixed in there as well. not the least being that strife brings people together. i've never felt as close to some of my family. everyone bands together so well, bringing their own unique strengths and skills. it's really neat to see. i heart them.

and these survivors in my family. all of us, i guess, in our own ways. we inspire me. good job, us! :)

and THANK YOU, GOD. we are all together and mostly healed and filled with love and grace. so much thanks.

...so, i wonder what the next year will hold?! you'll have to keep reading, i guess. :)