Our Bodies, Ourselves. My Body, My Word!

these are the notes i left myself earlier about what i wanted to include in this blog post. i was nursing an angry red-faced baby, so only had one hand. sort of. i guess this is what you call 'my process.' i will clarify and elaborate on the following:

-deep voice
-nipples in gummy vice-grip stretched 6 inches
-size 2 pants don't fit
-worth it.
-24-hr hug
-swaddle mute time lapses


so usually little hank makes all kinds of squeaky noises, but occasionally air passes through his actual vocal cords and we hear his little voice. but it's not so little. it's kind of really husky and deep. my sister and i are reminded of the kid in this clip.

i continue to shrink in size, but my parts are still all kinds of unrecognizable. and if my body used to be a wonderland (go with me here), it is now wally world. full of fun house mirrors. and the rides don't go up and down, they just seem to go down, down, down. :)

and nursing is going fairly well, but on the occasion that i think he is asleep at the teet or has drained 'er dry and i try disengaging, his little gummy death grip pulls my nipple like taffy until it's roughly 6 inches long. frightening.

i no longer fit in my maternity pants as they drag down like a diaper since there's less bump to hold them up. so i'd love to go back to my old jeans with a waist, but i tried them on last night and i never realized how petite and pixie-like i was! downright waifish. :) they must not be the size 10-12 i remember, but were actually a size 2 or -4 or something? right. needless to say, they will work in a pinch with a belly band. hard to believe i ever did or ever will fit in them.

but all these changes i would gladly double to have this precious little love with me. i feel happy and my heart feels full. that piece that was missing, that achy bruised feeling that was there all the time over the last few years of trying and losing...it's filled and healed now. not that i've forgotten the losses or those 2 potential souls, but i finally feel peace.

and i have these warm little arms wrapped around my neck all day long in a perfect hug. sigh. could get used to this.

i was laughing at him earlier when he woke up looking all disoriented. when he's fed, emptied and just squacking cuz he needs to sleep it off, i swaddle him and give him a pacifier and he usually falls asleep within moments. so he goes from full blown panic mode in, let's say, the nursery, and then gets wrapped up and is out like a light only to wake up an hour later in the living room wrapped up with sleep in his eyes. and he wakes up like WHERE THE HELL AM I? DID YOU SLIP ME SOMETHING AGAIN? SERIOUSLY, WOMAN! WTF?? it is amusing to me.

Getting In Each Others Groove

well, we've made it 3 whole days by ourselves and so far, i have to say, so good. i'm figuring out his patterns and how to decipher his cries ("what's that, henry? timmy fell in a well?" or "you crapped your pants, did you?" stuff like that.) i have nary a basis for comparison, but i suspect he's a really good baby. there's always a reason for his crying and then when he's just on a roll, he can be stopped pretty quickly by swaddling, etc.

he sleeps a lot during the day and will go some 3-4 hrs at night, but not so good flat on his back. we're working on that. his awake time is really fun as he's alert and getting more responsive to us. i am of the totally unbiased opinion that he seems really smart. i mean, don't get me wrong, he's still incontinent and all, but he just seems to be taking it all in, processing.

and i'm getting braver. going out for longer periods of time. exploring the world and not nearly as terrified that he'll explode any moment of that, if he does, i can't rein him back in.


first trip to the libary. he was actually only grimacing here, no shrieking on that trip (holla).


made him a mii on the wii, since that is our only scale. it allowed me to put in his height of 1' 9" but he's too light for his weight to be recognized by the scale, so i got on with him...his BMI is 99. :) that is one short, fat baby. needless to say, the wii is recommending he slim down some.


we're having fun with him. i'm sure he doesn't mind at all that we dress him up like a doll all the time.


or perhaps he does.

Yea, It's Pretty Much Like This

Heart.

little wonder has had 2 great days in a row. yesterday, he was asleep or awake happy all day long and even endured a trip to the shmancy frufru mall's apple store where i bought myself a new blogger machine! it's a cute macbook air and i guess has all kinds of neat, super fast 3.dot6g features or whatever, but mostly it is awesome because i put a pink hard case on it and it's small and cute.

apparently, i am that girl.

and then today, tiny heiny survived a trip to the ballpark for his first tigers baseball game (they won! he slept!) and THEN, slept merrily through my book club meeting. he didn't contribute much, but he also didn't drone on and on about themes and existentialism.

tonight, we're lying low. haven't left the bed in hours. don't plan to. he had a big day for someone so small, his reward will be lots of sleep and scooby snacks (boobs).

Yesterday, I Liked the Dog More

and i do realize that makes me a terrible person and the worst kind of mother.

but, really, she's so quiet and sleeps all the time without us having to encourage it. and he's been so shreiky. not sleeping much at all during the day (or at all, 2 nights ago) and almost inconsolable despite all our tricks. i think it's gas, but we're having a tough time ridding him of it and making him comfortable.

and then there's the question of whether it's something in my diet that's bugging him...i'm hoping that's a road i don't have to go down. i have several nursing mom friends how are currently gluten, soy, wheat, corn, peanut and dairy free. i've been on that kind of restrictive diet before for fitness reasons and it is not easy or fun. we'll see how he does the next few days and maybe toy with dietary changes/evaluations as necessary.

on a positive note, he had a great bath on thursday in his cool puj baby tub. and we went on one nice long walk yesterday with baby monster in the stroller not squacking the whole time, sainted dog, and my sister and me.



my mom and sister have both gone now, so i am officially on my own. i want to get used to it, since this is how we'll be for the next month or more. and i felt fine about it until about 4 minutes after they left.

all within a few short minutes, i was nursing a crabby baby, got 3 phone calls, 2 of which dropped because i'm in my house in a large metropolitan area with lots of towers nearby and BECAUSE AT & T IS LOATHSOME, i had to rush around trying to clean up for a visitor i had forgotten was coming over, i ran out of dishwasher detergent so dishes were piling up all over the place, etc, etc...

but, alas, i think we're gonna make it.

even if he has to sleep like this until he's 15.

Not Yet Fit for Public Consumption

well, we tried to take our first outing yesterday as HJ is 2 weeks old now and officially off house arrest.

it did not go well.

we learned that, although he's generally a quiet baby, when he does occasionally go totally postal on us, it's a lot less embarrassing and easier to contain in the privacy of our home than it is in a mediterranean restaurant, Buy Buy Baby, or the pick-up window at Panera. i think he was just overstimulated and i was stressed by his stress.

it was not much fun. i felt guilty all night for pushing him beyond his tiny capacity.

i also think i'm going to cut off businesses that don't provide changing tables (balancing a screaming infant on the edge of a sink- less fun than you think) and sing the praises of those that provide awesome facilities (buy buy baby has a private nursing room with cool nightlights and comfy rocking chairs).

we got home mid-afternoon and other than the occasional forced feeding, he was out all night long. pobrecito.

all my good intentions of going shopping and to a drive-in movie and out to dinner may have to wait. today we just sort of hung out in bed all day and it was glorious. more of that.

i have the luxury of doing just that because my wonderful sister and mom have been here all week taking care of us since robb went back to work. it's been great having a pit crew. :)

How to Train a Baby Monster

in our less than 2 weeks as parents we have chanced upon a few insights. we have a hella lot to learn still, but to date, this is what we know about baby monsters...

they might be cute and small, but make no mistake- baby monsters can cause all kinds of mayhem.

in a matter of moments, if you don't control your monster, he will go from this:
to this to this

if you want to survive an encounter, follow these simple rules:

1. tie your monster up quick and make sure you have him well bound.


you don't want any paws escaping from the bondage. he might try to chew through, but no matter. persist.


2. follow the other tricks from "happiest monster on the block" by dr. karp. they are: suck, swaddle, side lie, shushing noises, and swing. for reals. it's like a light switch. your baby monster will go from shrill shrieking like a tea kettle to peaceful slumber. it helps to have a cool pacifier for the 'suck' part.



3. you'll want to create a nice little cave for your baby monster. it helps to cover the walls with pics of animals and other monsters, so that yours will feel comfortable in its natural habitat.





4. make sure you line up an awesome father monster for the baby monster.



5. and lastly, just keep laughing. training a baby monster can be exhausting and stressful, but it's also totally fun and cute. because if they are well trained, they will look like this:

Cutest Infestation Ever.

another good day today despite a mostly sleepless night. we had our first blow-out diaper blaster out of the house. we were running errands and had to pull over emergency-like and change everything and got thin yellow poo all over the child, the parents, the car. i wouldn't be surprised if some got on the pavement. he's like a poop tornado. the parking lot we besmerched is that of one of the docs i work with. i hope he has no reason to see security video of us frantically trying to scrub dung out from betwixt the baby's toes or me flashing the world while trying to nurse out the car door. :)

will write more when i have a few seconds. right now there's a screaming baby getting his diaper changed by robb, who i can hear saying things like "you know, you're already clean and dry. that's when you're supposed to stop crying. i'm just saying. just a procedural note. a suggestion." :)

I Can Choose to Laugh or Cry. I Am Now Laughing After Lots of Tears.

it's been a hella rough day. i started feeling really achy all over- all my joints hurt, my ankles to my wrists and all in between. then i got chills. and then got all sweaty with a low grade temp. and then when i was nursing i noticed he really couldn't get much off of one side. and then that same side started getting hot and swollen and very painful.

so...i've diagnosed myself with mastitis (breast infection/inflammation). i'm nursing and pumping regularly to try to clear it out and applying heat and taking motrin and tylenol 3, etc. and i'll see my OB in the morning to maybe get some antibiotics.

the worst part wasn't the unpleasant symptoms but the fact that i couldn't seem to feed him properly anymore. the amounts coming out are kind of wimp-ish and he just suddenly isn't interested in that side's nipple.

and he had a rough day all on his own. we couldn't make him happy. he would go 10, maybe 15 minutes without crying and then was shrieking murder that is very bloody. all day long. dry, clean, fed, nothing pinching him and still, howler monkey in my ear.

so...the fear that i'm somehow failing my tiny by not feeding him properly (mind you, i'm pumping this whole time and supplementing as need be by bottle feeding) coupled with the shrieking baby monster and my raging hormones and lack of sleep left me weeping like a broken faucet. buckets of tears streaming down my face and then merging with the spit up on my shirt to form this awesome tragic river in my cleavage.

and then at one point in my meltdown, i got up to fetch some toilet paper to try to quell the fountain of snot and kicked over a full mug of tea onto the carpet. i was so enraged by the injustice of everything that i kicked the bathroom door as i walked in and...it came off its hinges and almost fell on me and henry.

now, it was scary and dumb and dangerous. but, it was also kind of funny considering that i don't typically have snit fits like that and don't think i've ever kicked anything in anger before...and that i didn't even kick it hard enough to hurt my foot, but the flimsy door and ghetto construction of our basement made it quite dramatic indeed.

the whole event sort of woke me up out of my hysteria. and then henry took 3 consecutive huge craps and was pleasant and happy the rest of the day.

so we're clearly still figuring out his patterns and needs. but we'll get there.

and i seem to be hitting all the common but annoying post-partum/delivery issues. i mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? one, jaundice-no problem. there's a yellow hue preceding that, we can avoid that. two, mastitis, which i was clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too. what about the R.O.U.S's?

...i don't think they exist. :)

Spa Day

first sponge bath, action photo. Not sure if he was more offended by being cold and wet or by the fact that he knew we would then post a blurry picture of his junk on the internet. :)


owl towel robe thingy. he was luxuriating in it post traumatic bathing experience.



getting his nails did. a full spa day. you should see the tiny cucumber slices we then put over his eyes. :)



and we're spent.

A Good Day

no need to be re-admitted. it seems increasing the feedings (=the poopings) is getting rid of his bilirubin. so far so good. will go to peds in the morning to find out if his number is still ok and if he's gaining weight...i think his baby boobs and little hammy thighs are looking bigger, so i'm hoping he's packing it on.



it's 60 degrees this 2nd week of june..so requiring some bundling. what the what? and we keep laughing at how he can contort himself into all sorts of anne geddes squished up poses and seems comfortable. and yet this really shouldn't be a surprise, i mean he was jammed in my abdomen not long ago...

speaking of my abdomen. i went from looking like i was still 6 months pregnant after i delivered to, maybe 4 months now. as the uterus keeps shrinking i'll be able to see what kind of damage we're looking at and what needs to be done about it. for now, i'm still eating my ice cream, but accompanying it with a salad. :)

Our Village

our parents came and saw henry on day 1 of life. they are all over the moon, as we are. auntie erica has been here all along and has been a life-saver. she is so selfless and loving and helpful. and uncle burr will come visit soon. as further evidence of the love the families have for henry, we asked that everyone get pertussis (whooping cough) boosters since there's been a recent increase in the disease among infants. everyone had it done within 24 hours! :) they don't mess around when it comes to little HJ's health! burr was a brave soldier, as you can see below. also, he's getting love from his godparents, mandy and jason (and baby addison) :)

Yellow Bellied Baby

how are things going so far you ask?

well...mostly awesome. he's incredible. i'm a total junkie for his cheeks, his feet, his gaze. irresistible. i have that freshly fallen in love feeling all the time. even his screams are precious.

but those screams are also abundant. last night i was up on and off for feeding and changing him until about 2am and then just up after that. he's having none of being laid down to sleep, only wants to be cuddled.

and nursing is going only ok-ish. he didn't latch well and wasn't taking much leche (despite nursing and pumping) and consequently wasn't pooping much and so now, consequently, is jaundiced.

and he just hasn't been all that interested in nursing, so i was forcing it, and one boob was totally dead to him (despite the fact that my fun bags are now full of milk and even funner (read- crazy huge) than before, they haven't been all that cooperative). pumping hurts and is annoying...the list goes on.

so we saw the pediatrician this morning for the first post-discharge visit and she was worried about his bilirubin, so she sent us to the hospital lab for a draw. i had my first new mom temper tantrum on the way there and sobbed the whole way. i felt like a failure that i hadn't fed him adequately and i dreaded feeding him twice as often to make sure we could fix this problem. and i was totally sleep deprived.

after the heel poke lab draw, i heard back from the pediatrician that his bilirubin was quite high and he was borderline needing to be re-admitted for phototherapy. she decided we could try to increase feedings at home, put him in sunlight and digitally stimulate his poor cornhole and check back tomorrow to see if the number is down.



and it's been a success, as far as i can tell. lots more poos and wet diapers and feeding more often has made feeding easier. he has been able to use both tats the last few times and is also taking pumped milk by the bottle periodically. he curled up in the sunlight like a cat.

so we'll find out in the morning how we've done and if he needs to get admitted overnight.



wish us luck!

First Couple Days and Everybody's Home Now!!