my grandpa went through major surgery this weekend and is doing fine, but i'm feeling like i'd really like to be there with him, but instead i'm stuck here, working ON THE FLOOR (always stressful and hectic and horrible). plus i'm getting ready for out-of-town guests. so i'm already feeling a bit overwhelmed and emotionally raw, but then i just finished my progesterone dose (SO HUNGRY! SO GROUCHY!), had my period (woo) and started clomid today. feeling a little nauseous tonight (could be the 37 york peppermint patties i ate for dinner) but otherwise ok so far.
i think it's both good and bad that "this whole fertility thing" is being pushed back behind my other crises right now. on one hand, i'm focused on other issues, on the other hand, i'm stressing out, which can't be good for my lady junk.
this should be a soothing, zen-like time for my ovaries and uterus and instead, i feel like everything is being squeezed into my throat with nerves.
i am playing both parts in the below scene. my brilliant robb found this and i think it perfectly describes my current state(s).
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Projesteroni and Cheese
i am HUNGRY and GROUCHY all the time. i assume it's the hormones, but i cannot stop eating.
remember the story "the very hungry caterpillar?"
that's like me now, but instead of becoming a beautiful butterfly, i'm just becoming a rounder version of myself.
you would be shocked and appalled if you saw the amount of sushi i slammed tonight. after some leftover pasta. after a jimmy john's veggie sub. after a mocha. not long after lunch...which was right on the heels of breakfast.
ah geez.
remember the story "the very hungry caterpillar?"
that's like me now, but instead of becoming a beautiful butterfly, i'm just becoming a rounder version of myself.
you would be shocked and appalled if you saw the amount of sushi i slammed tonight. after some leftover pasta. after a jimmy john's veggie sub. after a mocha. not long after lunch...which was right on the heels of breakfast.
ah geez.
Friday, March 19, 2010
My Melancholy Math and the After Effects of Zombie Bites
months since started trying to conceive- 14
months it took to get pg the first time- 6
months pregnant before miscarried- 3
months since miscarriage- 7
days of menses this month- 13
days in this month's cycle- 57
number of negative tests this cycle- 6
glasses of wine related to all of the above- >900
what does all that equal? i should probably get my liver checked. but also, it means i'm a little bit broken and it's time to get fixed.
well, i mean not fixed like as in fixed, but you know, treated.
so i went to my wonderful Ob/Gyn (whom i love more and more all the time- he was incredibly compassionate through my ordeal in the hospital and has always been very thorough and kind and quick to fit me in, anxious to work together on finding solutions, and though he doesn't come to my hospital, i hear tell he is really good in the OR, so should i ever need a c-section or other gyn surgery, he's the man for the job there, too ) who recommended that i get my period started again with a push from progesterone and then guarantee that my ovaries start shaking some eggs out by taking clomid.
it was hard for me to accept that i need medications to make me work right. after all, last summer i worked right enough to get knocked up. and i have been pretty darn sure since the miscarriage that i would just get back in the saddle, so to speak. i only just started watching my daily temps and cervical mucous 3 months ago, so confident was i before then that things would just go smoothly this time.
i am angry, i realize. i have no idea what makes me think that i deserve children at all, or that i deserve pregnancy smoothly and quickly, but i feel like an impatient child who thinks she isn't getting a toy she should have. i find myself angry that i had to go through that traumatic miscarriage in the first place, and i am now utterly irate that whatever cosmic misfortune led me to miscarry is not feeling bad enough about it just to let me get pregnant again easily. i have thoughts akin to "it's the least you can do!!" which is insane. and i recognize that, but, well....here we are.
another way that i might be classified as insane right now is that i'm freaking out about taking hormones. the time in the hospital in august after my zombie bite (how i'm referring to the mystery virus that tried to kill me and ate my baby) and subsequent miscarriage is very foggy to me. i know that i had fevers up to 106 F and that when i started to get better for a day or two, they would come back up. one time my temp came back up after a dose of misoprostol (cytotec), which is a prostaglandin used to cause uterine contractions to complete a miscarriage when there's not enough tissue left to warrant a D & C (dilatation and curettage- surgically removing the remaining fetal tissue).
i know all that and i can make clinical sense out of it.
but when my MD told me he wanted to put me on progesterone, somehow i confused the whole thing and was convinced that it was progesterone that had almost killed me in the hospital and that maybe by taking it i was inviting all that sickness back on and we never found out what it was in the first place and maybe i'm reacting to pregnancy hormones and what if and how now brown cow and oh my word i must be losing my mind and....i had a small panic attack. it brought back terrors i experienced when sick (from that bastard zombie).
it was a rather dark moment for me.
but then i vented to robb and my infertility group and my work friends and later i sat down and did a little reading and reviewing and realized that these are safe drugs totally unrelated to my experience with being sick and miscarrying and that i will be fine taking them. they are not without side effects (especially clomid- mood swings, nausea, hot flashes, dizziness, taste changes, etc) but they will get me back on track and predictable and, hopefully, will lead to a successful pregnancy.
whenever you intervene in fertility, there is always an increased rate of multiple births- i've seen anywhere from 3-10% rate of twins on clomid. we haven't really planned for increasing our family from 2 to 4, but we are fine with the possibility, even if it does mean one child might be bunking with the dog for a while.
here's a good chart that shows the hormones as they change through a cycle. i'll be taking 10 days of progesterone (basically creating the luteal phase) and will bleed on the 10th day, which will be Day 1 of my next cycle. then i will take 5 days of clomid, which will boost my FSH and LH levels and cause ovulation on or around day 14. and the total length of the cycle should be more like 28 days (which is a relief after the never ending cycle i'm on now).
months it took to get pg the first time- 6
months pregnant before miscarried- 3
months since miscarriage- 7
days of menses this month- 13
days in this month's cycle- 57
number of negative tests this cycle- 6
glasses of wine related to all of the above- >900
what does all that equal? i should probably get my liver checked. but also, it means i'm a little bit broken and it's time to get fixed.
well, i mean not fixed like as in fixed, but you know, treated.
so i went to my wonderful Ob/Gyn (whom i love more and more all the time- he was incredibly compassionate through my ordeal in the hospital and has always been very thorough and kind and quick to fit me in, anxious to work together on finding solutions, and though he doesn't come to my hospital, i hear tell he is really good in the OR, so should i ever need a c-section or other gyn surgery, he's the man for the job there, too ) who recommended that i get my period started again with a push from progesterone and then guarantee that my ovaries start shaking some eggs out by taking clomid.
it was hard for me to accept that i need medications to make me work right. after all, last summer i worked right enough to get knocked up. and i have been pretty darn sure since the miscarriage that i would just get back in the saddle, so to speak. i only just started watching my daily temps and cervical mucous 3 months ago, so confident was i before then that things would just go smoothly this time.
i am angry, i realize. i have no idea what makes me think that i deserve children at all, or that i deserve pregnancy smoothly and quickly, but i feel like an impatient child who thinks she isn't getting a toy she should have. i find myself angry that i had to go through that traumatic miscarriage in the first place, and i am now utterly irate that whatever cosmic misfortune led me to miscarry is not feeling bad enough about it just to let me get pregnant again easily. i have thoughts akin to "it's the least you can do!!" which is insane. and i recognize that, but, well....here we are.
another way that i might be classified as insane right now is that i'm freaking out about taking hormones. the time in the hospital in august after my zombie bite (how i'm referring to the mystery virus that tried to kill me and ate my baby) and subsequent miscarriage is very foggy to me. i know that i had fevers up to 106 F and that when i started to get better for a day or two, they would come back up. one time my temp came back up after a dose of misoprostol (cytotec), which is a prostaglandin used to cause uterine contractions to complete a miscarriage when there's not enough tissue left to warrant a D & C (dilatation and curettage- surgically removing the remaining fetal tissue).
i know all that and i can make clinical sense out of it.
but when my MD told me he wanted to put me on progesterone, somehow i confused the whole thing and was convinced that it was progesterone that had almost killed me in the hospital and that maybe by taking it i was inviting all that sickness back on and we never found out what it was in the first place and maybe i'm reacting to pregnancy hormones and what if and how now brown cow and oh my word i must be losing my mind and....i had a small panic attack. it brought back terrors i experienced when sick (from that bastard zombie).
it was a rather dark moment for me.
but then i vented to robb and my infertility group and my work friends and later i sat down and did a little reading and reviewing and realized that these are safe drugs totally unrelated to my experience with being sick and miscarrying and that i will be fine taking them. they are not without side effects (especially clomid- mood swings, nausea, hot flashes, dizziness, taste changes, etc) but they will get me back on track and predictable and, hopefully, will lead to a successful pregnancy.
whenever you intervene in fertility, there is always an increased rate of multiple births- i've seen anywhere from 3-10% rate of twins on clomid. we haven't really planned for increasing our family from 2 to 4, but we are fine with the possibility, even if it does mean one child might be bunking with the dog for a while.
here's a good chart that shows the hormones as they change through a cycle. i'll be taking 10 days of progesterone (basically creating the luteal phase) and will bleed on the 10th day, which will be Day 1 of my next cycle. then i will take 5 days of clomid, which will boost my FSH and LH levels and cause ovulation on or around day 14. and the total length of the cycle should be more like 28 days (which is a relief after the never ending cycle i'm on now).
Saturday, March 13, 2010
"The Disappointment is Worse When I Have Hope"
one of my dear ones recently learned that the fertility method they have been trying has not and will not work. now she and her own personal BHE (best husband ever) are having to make difficult decisions about further fertility options, adoption, etc. all options include great physical, emotional, and financial expense.
so, hell.
this one was supposed to work. and why has it not? because the world is a dark, dark place and everything sucks and we might as well eat some worms (because we CAN, because even if worms are not allowed during pregnancy, it doesn't matter because we're NOT PREGNANT and everything sucks and....)..
sigh.
this poor lovely. i'm so pissed on her behalf. every month for the last many months she's been poked and prodded and violated and then anxiously waited to (NOT) have her period as well as waited for a blood tests to show whether this difficult, uncomfortable and inconvenient process yielded success.
and now it officially hasn't.
and it just causes these great waves of anger and sadness. and despair.
and we all seem to agree on our dark days that when you feel optimistic about the success of a certain method or a particular month, the pain of the (almost certain! cuz everything sucks!) disappointment when it doesn't work out is all the more devastating.
so forget it. forget hope and all its hurt. cynicism and pessimism are the ways to go.
where does God fall into all of this? if we give up trying to hope and manipulate and control things, are we surrendering to Him and it's actually a good thing? or are we losing faith when we say we have no hope? and, in our superstitious/cracked out way of looking at things, are we determining our own barren fate if we submit to hopelessness? ???????????
this requires research and prayer, but for now, i think i'll just pout. kind of a debbie downer today. and it's raining. and i'm in stinkin' stupid michigan instead of lovely florida. and i want to physically punch the thing that hurt my friend. but i can't, so i put it in writing and i punched it in the head emotionally, instead.
i hope it felt it.
so, hell.
this one was supposed to work. and why has it not? because the world is a dark, dark place and everything sucks and we might as well eat some worms (because we CAN, because even if worms are not allowed during pregnancy, it doesn't matter because we're NOT PREGNANT and everything sucks and....)..
sigh.
this poor lovely. i'm so pissed on her behalf. every month for the last many months she's been poked and prodded and violated and then anxiously waited to (NOT) have her period as well as waited for a blood tests to show whether this difficult, uncomfortable and inconvenient process yielded success.
and now it officially hasn't.
and it just causes these great waves of anger and sadness. and despair.
and we all seem to agree on our dark days that when you feel optimistic about the success of a certain method or a particular month, the pain of the (almost certain! cuz everything sucks!) disappointment when it doesn't work out is all the more devastating.
so forget it. forget hope and all its hurt. cynicism and pessimism are the ways to go.
where does God fall into all of this? if we give up trying to hope and manipulate and control things, are we surrendering to Him and it's actually a good thing? or are we losing faith when we say we have no hope? and, in our superstitious/cracked out way of looking at things, are we determining our own barren fate if we submit to hopelessness? ???????????
this requires research and prayer, but for now, i think i'll just pout. kind of a debbie downer today. and it's raining. and i'm in stinkin' stupid michigan instead of lovely florida. and i want to physically punch the thing that hurt my friend. but i can't, so i put it in writing and i punched it in the head emotionally, instead.
i hope it felt it.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Over the Hump without a Bump
well, i survived my would-be due date (march 8). being surrounded by my robb and my parents and sister and grandparents was wonderful. and that we were in the Magic Kingdom at Disney World certainly helped. robb and i ran a half marathon on sunday that went really well- and i was really glad i could fully use my body to accomplish this.
and even though there were children and pregnant women everywhere, it was not all that painful to be around...the average child at Disney has been dragged through 7 hrs of waiting lines and has face paint streaming down his face, a popped balloon tied to him and dragging behind, cotton candy/popcorn/lemonade residue an inch thick on both hands and is screaming at the top of his lungs something about "Goofy....Buzz...NOT GET TO....WANT MORE....NEEEEEEMOOOOOO"
so, yea, i was feeling pretty good about drinking margaritas and enjoying adult conversation. and no one in my party was too afraid to go on the haunted mansion ride.
i'm just saying. there are some perks.
:)
and even though there were children and pregnant women everywhere, it was not all that painful to be around...the average child at Disney has been dragged through 7 hrs of waiting lines and has face paint streaming down his face, a popped balloon tied to him and dragging behind, cotton candy/popcorn/lemonade residue an inch thick on both hands and is screaming at the top of his lungs something about "Goofy....Buzz...NOT GET TO....WANT MORE....NEEEEEEMOOOOOO"
so, yea, i was feeling pretty good about drinking margaritas and enjoying adult conversation. and no one in my party was too afraid to go on the haunted mansion ride.
i'm just saying. there are some perks.
:)
Monday, March 1, 2010
Maybe Empty but Not Alone
some of us who pine to be in the mommy club are lucky enough to find others who are in our same situations and we kind of form a club of our own. it's sort of a sad bastard club at times, but also often a hopeful one and, from my experience so far, a very nurturing and loving one. i have a wonderful friend and coworker, Julie, who has been so supportive in my struggles with difficulty conceiving and then also through my miscarriage. now she's a great mom of a total knock-out gorgeous and clever 3 year old daughter....but her road to the mommy club was a tricky one, and she graciously shared her journal with me from that time she was trying to conceive and allowed me to pass it on to you. i found that some of the things she said were almost verbatim things i have thought/said/screamed. she talks a lot about karma and negotiating with God and the other cosmos for a baby. it's good to know i'm not the only one who has thought, "well if i just (whatever) it's sure to happen." she's very insightful and brutally honest.
here are some excerpts:
June 16, 2005...I'm starting this journal because it sounds like I need to...I can't believe it has been nearly a year since we started trying..I guess I'm trying to cope with my pain by making blankets for all these pg girls I know and for church. And by buying baby items to give away...I even have a stash under the queen bed with baby things I've collected that no one knows about...like baby picture frames I was going to present to the future grandmas on Mother's Day. Well, that passed by...the days and weeks just blend into months.
June 18, 2005...I so diligently monitor all of my signs and constantly think through what they could mean; am I ovulating, etc...for some strange reason I'm hopeful this cycle. I try not to be hopeful because I tell myself the disappointment is worse when I have hope.
June 24, 2005...So I did a bad, unlucky thing. I bought that book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" because it was only $7.00 at TJ Maxx. I told myself that luck has nothing to do with it, but how pretentious of me! I will take it back on Monday. I'm sure that I will be so excited if I ever get pregnant that I won't mind paying retail. :)
June 27, 2005...My temperature is starting to fall and so is my mood. Yesterday I thought I had breast tenderness- probably from checking to see if they were tender. I'm not sure how much else I can take. This afternoon I returned "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I hope this brings me luck.
July 29...I'm disappointed. Again. This process gets longer and longer.
that was her last entry. and she revealed to me that she was actually pregnant when she wrote it. she has a wonderful success story, but is still able to reflect on the agony and frustration of infertility and able to pass on compassion to me and others who share those struggles. and i really appreciate it.
here are some excerpts:
June 16, 2005...I'm starting this journal because it sounds like I need to...I can't believe it has been nearly a year since we started trying..I guess I'm trying to cope with my pain by making blankets for all these pg girls I know and for church. And by buying baby items to give away...I even have a stash under the queen bed with baby things I've collected that no one knows about...like baby picture frames I was going to present to the future grandmas on Mother's Day. Well, that passed by...the days and weeks just blend into months.
June 18, 2005...I so diligently monitor all of my signs and constantly think through what they could mean; am I ovulating, etc...for some strange reason I'm hopeful this cycle. I try not to be hopeful because I tell myself the disappointment is worse when I have hope.
June 24, 2005...So I did a bad, unlucky thing. I bought that book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" because it was only $7.00 at TJ Maxx. I told myself that luck has nothing to do with it, but how pretentious of me! I will take it back on Monday. I'm sure that I will be so excited if I ever get pregnant that I won't mind paying retail. :)
June 27, 2005...My temperature is starting to fall and so is my mood. Yesterday I thought I had breast tenderness- probably from checking to see if they were tender. I'm not sure how much else I can take. This afternoon I returned "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I hope this brings me luck.
July 29...I'm disappointed. Again. This process gets longer and longer.
that was her last entry. and she revealed to me that she was actually pregnant when she wrote it. she has a wonderful success story, but is still able to reflect on the agony and frustration of infertility and able to pass on compassion to me and others who share those struggles. and i really appreciate it.
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