Not Just a Barry Manilow Song...(although I am a Fanilow)

so i've recently made a fantastic and very hilarious friend named Mandy. she is also working on 'this baby thing' and, despite the frustration and pain she has experienced, attempts to find humor in the crazy situations in which she finds herself. i am angling for her to post here as a guest blogger.

but for now, she has agreed that i can use the following comments on her trip to Disney World. she knows that i am leaving for Disney at the end of the week and she had some advice for me:

"I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one that has considered stealing a child… let me warn you, going to Disney may not be the best idea! When I was there earlier this month, my friend and I thought about sending pictures of random kids to (my husband) with our phones and asking which he preferred. AND we started scoping out the parents with the “largest BMI” since they would have a hard time catching us if we did try to run while carrying a 4-year old! Pathetic, I know… but kinda funny! Maybe? In a sick and twisted kind of way!"

like i said...she's witty and funny. and rather resourceful. :) and for the record, we are not actually serious about scoping out and stealing children. that is a very real and serious crime which we do not condone.

Watching TV is Good for You!

so when i first entered this world of miscarriages/infertility, i felt like suddenly my eyes were opened to all the references in the media on the subject. like when you buy a new car, you start to see that car EVERYWHERE on the street (why are there so many canary yellow volkswagen routans with faux wood paneling around here all of a sudden?). so while i think there's still a lot more to be said about this difficult subject since it effects so many people (1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, 1 in 5 couples have issues with infertility), i have been noticing it pop up more and more often in pop culture.

just recently, there was a miscarriage on the ABC show "Brothers and Sisters" as well as a miscarriage/stillbirth (not sure gestational age) on "Private Practice"...a show that follows, among other MD's, a fertility specialist (pretty cool!).

movies i've watched this year seem to contain the theme, too. "Away we Go" is a PHENOMENAL movie that everyone should see, and shows a most poignant/heart-wrenching scene of a woman dealing (in her own, quirky burlesque-y way) with her 5th miscarriage. she has happily adopted a joyful family of kids, and yet still pines for pregnancy and grieves her lost babies. so tender and sweet, and devastating. really well done.

the cartoon movie "Up" which was nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture this year and won Best Animated Film also shows a sweet montage where the couple loses a baby and then is unable to have another.

"the time traveler's wife"...she miscarries again and again. eventually they learn it's because the fetus is time traveling from the womb. and even though her husband in current time gets a vasectomy to prevent her from trying and losing again, she gets freaky with her husband from the past as he time hops and she gets pg with one that sticks. ok...so this one is a little far-fetched, but it still shows the bloody sheets and disappointment.

and "Julie and Julia" about julia child only barely touches on it, but it shows julia's longing for a baby and her joy/tears when she learns that her younger sister is expecting.

i'm sure there are countless more. can you think of any that have been especially notable to you? if ever we do a workshop or something on infertility/miscarriage it would be great to have a collection of TV/movie clips.

You Know It's Going to Be Ok, Right?

said my loving robb across the table from me at a restaurant the other night after an especially bad couple of days.

why, when he says it, it gives me this huge rush of relief, i don't know. but he's always had that effect on me.

soothing and healing like salve.

like butt paste for the soul.

:)

And the Inevitable...

t-minus 18 days until i was supposed to be due (march 8). i've certainly been thinking about it a lot, especially since one of my coworkers is due just a couple weeks later and so is showing her big 8 month belly and is having a bunch of baby showers, etc. we at work are throwing her a shower next week and, since she's not going to find out the sex of the baby before it's born, afterwards we're going to start collecting proper sex baby outfits and stringing them across the office.

oh joy.

i think i might avoid the shower, but i can't avoid the count down to my own "due date" in my head.

sigh. at least i have the half marathon march 7th to look forward to as a well-calculated distraction.

and with the training for the half, i've been running roughly 15-20mls per week and i've also been doing the wackadoo diet i described earlier...so i've lost a bit of weight and my pants are fitting better. i feel good when i look good, but it's bitter sweet that my belly is tinier and tighter now when it's supposed to be big and huge right now instead.

i drew a picture to illustrate this...though it didn't really turn out all that well. :) the fit version of me on the left is supposed to be thin with big muscles (those aren't pointy boobs!) and a smile and the prego me on the right is supposed to have huge fat swollen feet and hands and a sour look on its face....but the prego version turned out looking more like a monster that just ate a child instead of an expectant mother. ah well. you get the point. :)

Donuts Wouldn't Do This To Me

day 13 of a very mild period...hmmm....GYN not concerned and here's my two-bit hypothesis as to how i brought this on myself:

1. i took 3 days of baby aspirin last week. a friend who is running the same disney world half marathon that i am in a few wks recently read an article about why healthy runners die during races. one of the theories is that tiny muscle by-products are thrombosing while we run, and then embolize and lodge in the lung/coronary vessels. so an 81mg aspirin a day while training can help take down inflammation and reduce platelet aggregation and decrease the risk of these incidents....so i took a couple days of it until i realized i was on the never ending period and then i stopped.

2. also, i made a very dramatic diet change recently. 3 wks ago we went vegan, soy free and gluten free in a performance enhancing diet as we prepare for the race. and we've have been getting our amino acids, fatty acids and simple sugars from fresh veggies and fruits as well as weird new stuff like TONS of flax seed, hemp seed and lots of beans and nuts. some of this stuff has anticoagulation properties in them...like a lot of the fruit and sea vegetables, vinegars and spices like curry, cayenne, cinnamon and oregano . these are all salycilates like aspirin. another common natural way to avoid blood clotting is with omega 3's and we've been getting a lot of it with garlic, onion, and flax, among others.

so... i think i brought this on myself and i'm not gonna worry about it too much yet. my MD ran all my labs, which were normal and, while i was there, he and i talked fertility stuff and we came up with a game plan- to begin after this wacky diet and the half marathon are done.

so that's what's new in my uterus.

my sister went to the play "the vagina monologues" this weekend. i'm considering writing the sequal "the uterus monologues" about us women folk who are attempting to make use of that organ. whatcha think?

I'm Getting Cynical and Afraid of the Dark

so last Thursday was the first time i didn't have to work and was able to make it to the "infertility and miscarriage" support group some women recently started through our church. i've been nervous about going, since i wasn't sure if i'd even fit in with my piddly 1 year of trying and 1 freak miscarriage. and i'm only 29 years old. but they were very welcoming and, although everyone's story is very different, there's a common language that we can speak to each other that no one else can really understand. and these women are so strong and open and honest and ready to share all the details of their losses and frustrations with their efforts. it's nice not to have to hide behind a brave face and to be able to say what you actually feel instead of echoing all the idiots who say "i'm sure it'll happen in time" and "God has the perfect plan for you, when He's ready, etc, etc."

but i found that i'm growing dark and cynical about everything. all of us have these painful, awful, so maddening stories of hope interrupted and then also tales of our sisters and cousins and friends who didn't even want a baby or weren't even trying and gee whiz! they have 3 now! i don't want to be one of those girls who resents the happiness of others, but i am. and i do.

and, as predicted, my loss and my futile efforts to date are nothing compared to some other women. trying for so many years, through mutliple miscarriages, through multiple fostering or adoption attempts sometimes with positive endings, but often with a whole other kind of fear and frustration to follow...and i found that by the time i got home after the meeting, i was feeling angry not only for my own issues, but for all the shit all these women have had to endure, too. it just makes me mad. and makes me wonder where God is in all of this. i'm sure there's a hella huge lesson to be learned in patience and faith and re-aligning our expectations with what God wants for us, but that is just infuriating right now. a lot of us are begging for big signs from God and now. like "just let me know if this is not meant to be for me or if i should keep painfully pushing forward. how will i ever know?"

i know for me, most of my anger comes from feeling out of control. in my life, if ever i want something badly enough, i find a way to get it. i will work harder, i will save up, i will get creative, but rest assured, i will get it in the end. but this "it" cannot be gotten through hard work or ingenuity. this is just something you have to wait and see if it is meant to be. and that is making me very grouchy.

so. i guess at this stage, my prayer is for patience. (sigh). for open ears and for enough self control not to punch 22 year old pregnant girls who are complaining about losing their figures.

and i'm going to do my darnedest not to assume the worst and anticipate future miscarriages and infertility. it's really hard not to do when you're surrounded by it (not just this group- almost every female i know has struggled with one or both, plus all the bad scenarios i've seen while on the job), but i think for my sanity (and reproductive health, frankly) i have to attempt to stay positive and hopeful. even if it makes me a sucker. :)

There's A Lot of Sadness On the Subject (More on This Later)

Cold Feet: I'm Glad I'm Not the Only One

awesome article in, of all places, "Self" magazine. about those of us women who, when it was time to start thinking about having babies, were concerned that the sound the biological clock made might actually be a bomb.

Ready for a baby? Maybe, maybe not By Hyla Sabesin Finn From the January 2010 Issue

God's Hairy Knuckles and My Womb

i want to say i can feel God's strong, strong hands
around my baby maker.

but that just sounds all wrong.
dirty somehow. or just weird.

but this 'thing' isn't some abstract part.
i take them out in surgery
i explore them on exam
not just a bullwinkle-looking pink drawing from a text book
the shape and size and realness of them
of mine.
exists to me.

and i really do picture those hands.
it just came to me.


and sometimes, of course, i doubt that they're there,
or even that He knows about this image.
or this need.
i wonder am i creating this for my own peace of mind?

but even so, in my head i see strong, strong man hands
with age written in wrinkles and a little white hair
on the knuckles
cradling my, i guess i'll just say it...
(can you name a girl part in this media?)
(or do i have to call it my "flower" or "oven" or "box?")
(or is that something else?)
(oh, stop babbling and get on with it)

...UTERUS...
oh, so gently.

then my smaller pair of hands on top of His
together we're holding so delicately the pieces together
keeping it from cracking,
keeping it warm and safe.

and i know He does know.
and i have to guess that this image came from somewhere
that He does have a plan for using this apparently worthless vesicle
for some baby making.

but here i go, i bleed again.
each time feels like failure.
means another 31-36 days of waiting in agony.
wondering what, if anything...
(too soon? drama queen? just relax? stop being neurotic?)

...is wrong.

but eventually i do a little thinking
a little time with God talking
maybe a little yoga-ing
and i come out with my head back on straight
(-ish).

and i try another month.
and i keep my hands in my head on my uterus in my head
and hope there's another pair of strong, strong hands
to join me.