i'm tired of being pregnant.
i have been pregnant 11 out of the last 21 months and grieving and trying the rest of those months in between. my whole life, my whole purpose, my body has been designated to this singular goal for all that time. and i'm tired.
i just want to drink a bottle of wine. maybe put a normal human size tank top on without boobalas falling out the sides of it and go walk along the beach without getting short of breath or wanting to kick a seagull.
my heels hurt and are numb all the time. i don't sleep well. i don't feel like myself. i am forgetful and slow-witted and my body is unrecognizable. i am extremely clumsy, meaning that i bleached one of the only shirts i own that i look moderately good in and then broke a glass light robb had JUST installed and then spilled goo gone all over the bathroom all in one horrible moment. and this kind of comedy of errors isn't that uncommon in my typical day. my upper body strength is totally gone. that plus the whole clumsy things makes for some awesome times in the OR. and i'm tired of worrying ALL the time. will i still be pregnant tomorrow? if i wake up and i'm not, will my psyche really ever bounce back from that since i've so narrowly missed falling off the edge a couple times now?
sigh.
i don't want to complain. i want to be grateful and excited and floored by God's blessing. i want to feel relief and thrill and joy.
and i do, sometimes. every time i am kicked i thank God and say, "hello, baby" and get all giggly and smiley. but i also feel exhaustion and borderline panic at all times. i have so much of my life riding on this other life. it's scary and tiring.
thank you for listening to me moan. i apologize to anyone reading who would kill to be pregnant right now and is not. i really don't mean to take what i have for granted. i just want to share with you all the gamut of my experiences and emotions. and this is where i've landed today.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Being Pregnant is Hilarious In the Same Ways That Really Old Age is Hilarious
Your pregnant friend or your extremely old Aunt Ruth....
1. farts without warning, provocation or permission
2. occasionally tying her shoes seems as perplexing as complex math
3. sleeps a lot during the day, in odd uncomfortable looking positions, much drooling is involved
4. gets up to pee every 2 hrs during the night
5. grunts and moans when getting dressed, and takes about 45 minutes to put on socks
6. cannot go anywhere "in a jiffy" as even tasks as simple as getting out of a car take some
planning
7. complains constantly about sore back, sore feet and hemorrhoids and may ask you to apply
balm to any of the above because she simply cannot reach it herself
8. and last, she is very unpredictable and at any given moment might smother you with sloppy
kisses or with a pillow, you just never can tell.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sarah the Hut
i smiled during my whole OB visit yesterday. i never really thought i'd make it far enough to need a glucose tolerance test. 25 weeks! that's a big deal. feels like a major milestone. it's almost, kinda, sorta a real kid in there. :) heart beat was a little hard to find on doppler, but that was only because baby was doing cartwheels after the sugary drink i consumed (tasted like melted orange flavored Fla-Vor-Ice...remember those?) and wouldn't hold still long enough to get a reading- finally did, but took some chasing around my abdomen. we laughed since i could feel movement and we could hear the movement- like baby olympics in my pelvis. again, he found everything "perfect and normal."
EXCEPT that i failed my freaking test. which isn't really a big deal. it just means that now i have to do a 3 hr version of it where i drink the gunk, and get my blood tested hourly for 3 hrs, making sure my blood glucose level is adequately down by the end of the 3 hours. not a problem. will do it next week at the local hospital where i'll be delivering. will watch movies on my laptop and just relax.
BUT today i felt like a big fat slob all day. if i'd been eating better, more active would this not have happened? if i had the fit, tiny pregnancy of some of my peers, would i have been alright? i keep getting reassured by very healthy people that a non-fasting initial 1 hour test is often high, but does not mean you won't pass the 3 hr test or that we're actually looking at a diagnosis of gestational diabetes. let's hope that's true.
anyway...been feeling down today. feeling like i look a lot like this:
EXCEPT that i failed my freaking test. which isn't really a big deal. it just means that now i have to do a 3 hr version of it where i drink the gunk, and get my blood tested hourly for 3 hrs, making sure my blood glucose level is adequately down by the end of the 3 hours. not a problem. will do it next week at the local hospital where i'll be delivering. will watch movies on my laptop and just relax.
BUT today i felt like a big fat slob all day. if i'd been eating better, more active would this not have happened? if i had the fit, tiny pregnancy of some of my peers, would i have been alright? i keep getting reassured by very healthy people that a non-fasting initial 1 hour test is often high, but does not mean you won't pass the 3 hr test or that we're actually looking at a diagnosis of gestational diabetes. let's hope that's true.
anyway...been feeling down today. feeling like i look a lot like this:
Sunday, February 20, 2011
There's a 50% Chance Our Kid WIll Have a Penis and All Its Paraphernalia
i have compiled a list of all the things we need to address before the baby comes. things like: will and guardianship, life insurance, daycare, car seat and other safety research, diapers (cloth/disposable), and health care decisions (circumcision? cord blood banking? nutrition type if need breastfeeding supplement?) etc.
so we're knee deep in research on all these things. we're slowly checking off the list as we come to consensus on each topic. one we're still up in the air on is circumcision. on a health care blog i used to regularly keep, i wrote the following post and got the following responses. people are VERY passionate about foreskin.
do you have any thoughts on it? please feel free to add a comment at the end of the post.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
so i was recently talking to a coworker about her soon-to-be-on-this-planet male child (or, you know, out of amniotic fluid and into fresh air? is that better?) and whether or not she plans to circumcise him upon his arrival. people seem to be considering this more often, instead of just doing it routinely. anecdotally, i've observed a trend away from circumcision over the past few years, when it's been widely considered the norm in most cultures in the US for many years.
it is definitely a cultural thing. in the US, reports i found showed that between 55-90% of the population is circumcised. it varies by race and age and country of origin within the US population, also. but in the UK, it's more like 15%. it seems that if it's not a religious custom, than we generally do for our boys whatever the males of our community have had done to them. (or you know, theirs).
but just because dad and grandpa were or weren't (eck), does that make it right? is there any true need to have it done? is there a right answer here?
here are the reasons i find AGAINST circumcising (mostly given by hippies, so if you smell a faint aroma of patchouli while you read this- that's why):
1. he will lose all the best parts of his wang-doodle and all that sensitivity!
2. it is archaic. initiated back when Jews lived nomadic lives and wore sandals in dirt floor abodes and bathed rarely...we don't have those hygiene issues anymore and it's easier to keep the 'bits and pieces' clean.
3. it is unnecessary pain inflicted on a poor bebe
4. there is risk of things going amiss and leaving the child malformed for life or in danger with a major complication (on this note- there is a large amount of material out there and it isn't very conclusive, but known complications are rare, according to most studies i found (cdc says 0.2- 2.0%), and mostly include infection, bleeding, and not removing enough foreskin).
and now the reasons FOR circumcising (and these are usually argued by the kill-joys, so if you smell the faint odor of fluoride and low fat butter substitute, that's why):
1. don't worry about losing a little sensitivity- some would argue this is a good thing!
2. even in our much cleaner society, a lot of grime can still develop under the foreskin. this is known as smegma (SO TOTALLY NOT MAKING THIS UP!)
3. if done in the baby's first day of life, they have zero memory of the pain, and they rebound very quickly (anesthesia usually involved a sugar sucker and nothing more)
4. and most importantly in my book- there is increased risk of HIV and other STD's with the warm and moist little winkie umbrella still in place for infections to brew in. (interestingly, today in the news there was an article about Africa pushing circumcision as an AIDS prevention method). there is also a significant increase in UTI's and a small increased risk for penile cancer and, subsequently, cervical cancer (in female partners of the uncircumcised) from HPV transmission. and then, there's always phimosis and paraphimosis where the foreskin either can't retract back behind the glans or is stuck retracted and swells and can't get back around...and then penis tissue dies painfully. not good.
Comments:
-"nocirc" said...Circumcision is not harmless and babies do remember the pain, as noted by Taddio, et al., in their study that determined circumcised babies undergoing vaccination respond much more dramatically to the pain than intact boys and girls, a response indicative of PTSD. Circumcision is a primal wound that interferes with the maternal/infant bond, disrupts breastfeeding and normal sleep patterns, and undermines the baby's first developmental task of establishing trust. It leaves both physical and psychological scars and denies a male's right to the wholeness of his body, the fullness of his sexual experience, and self-determination. In the early years, the loss of the 20,000-70,000 specialized, erogenous nerve endings, which encircle the opening of the foreskin and give the male feedback about what his penis is feeling, cause the No. 1 complaint of circumcised males--premature ejaculation. Then, without the protective covering and the callousing of the glans (head of the penis) that follows and increases with age cause erectile dysfunction and even impotence later in life. As Dr. C.J. Falliers wrote in the Journal of the American Medical Association in 1970, "...the fundamental biological sexual act becomes, for the circumcised male, simply a satisfaction of an urge and not the refined sensory experience it was meant to be." Form cannot be altered without altering function. Circumcision affects the male and his partner, too, and the mechanics of sex must be altered to compensate for the loss of normal genitals. All mammals, males and females alike, have a foreskin. If males were supposed to have foreskins, they would be born with them!
-"Hugh7" said..."between 55-90% of the population is circumcised." That's a pretty wide range. Something like 70% of US males are now circumcised, but only about 55% of US babies are being circumcised today (varies by region - lower in the south and west). "in the UK, it's more like 15%." Again, that's prevalence, including older men cut when it was common. The incidence (rate it's done today) is very low, something like 1%. A boy should look like his father? Complications can include death (from bleeding, infection, blocked urethra and kidney failure or other), or how about this? The true complication rate is unknown, because an unknown number are not detected until adulthood (when they affect sexual functioning) - and perhaps not then - and go uncounted. Circumcision is supposed to make a penis "maintenance-free", so mothers are less likely to look, and not to know what to look for. Smegma is not "grime" (it is Greek for soap) but a natural mix of secretions, and is only a problem if it is neglected. Keeping clean is easy and (shhh!) fun. "don't worry about losing a little sensitivity- some would argue this is a good thing!"
They are confusing sensitivity with sensation. It isn't just quantity that's lost but quality. The foreskin has been described as conferring "a symphony of sensation" and getting circumcised in adulthood compared with going colourblind. Fewer nerves means less feedback and hence less control. That could be why women describe (circumcised) men as being too goal-directed in sex. With so few nerves to stimulate, they have to give it all they've got, leaving no attention over to enjoy the journey. We wouldn't consider that deliberately inflicting pain on an adult was acceptable if they didn't remember it - why is it considered okay to do it to a baby? There is a strong suggestion that babies don't cry because they go into shock. With HIV you are confusing risk with danger. Yes, HIV can be deadly, but the difference circumcision makes to your risk in the US (mainly through receptive anal sex or sharing IV drug needles) is negligible. A study of 26,400 men in Baltimore showed no significant difference in the vast majority, only a little subset of 385 "at known risk", of whom only 50 were not circumcised, and of those only 11 were infected, six more than expected. That's not a statistical landslide, individual circumstances could easily account for it. STDs can only reach the "warm and moist little winkie umbrella" if you're not wearing a condom, which is a much greater risk. UTIs are four times commoner in girls. It would take about 190 circumcisions to prevent one UTI, hundreds more to prevent one penile cancer (rarer than male breast cancer). With all of these dread diseases you have to do the numbers, not just say "reduces the risk". Circumcision is not justified on balance, and the bottom line is, it's a human rights issue: whose penis is it?
-"joel" said...I don't agree with circumcision. The foreskin is healthy, sensitive, functional, erogenous genital tissue. to remove it is painful and permanent. There is no reason why this decision should be made without the consent of the individual involved. A foreskin belongs only to the person born with it (unless a decision must be made because of some medical emergency of course). the vast majority of the world gets by totally fine without having a significant, valuable part of their genitals removed.. so my opinion is that we should leave penis-chopping surgery up to individuals to make for themselves when they grow up.
so we're knee deep in research on all these things. we're slowly checking off the list as we come to consensus on each topic. one we're still up in the air on is circumcision. on a health care blog i used to regularly keep, i wrote the following post and got the following responses. people are VERY passionate about foreskin.
do you have any thoughts on it? please feel free to add a comment at the end of the post.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
To Cut or Not to Cut: A Discussion on Baby Woo-woo Trimming
it is definitely a cultural thing. in the US, reports i found showed that between 55-90% of the population is circumcised. it varies by race and age and country of origin within the US population, also. but in the UK, it's more like 15%. it seems that if it's not a religious custom, than we generally do for our boys whatever the males of our community have had done to them. (or you know, theirs).
but just because dad and grandpa were or weren't (eck), does that make it right? is there any true need to have it done? is there a right answer here?
here are the reasons i find AGAINST circumcising (mostly given by hippies, so if you smell a faint aroma of patchouli while you read this- that's why):
1. he will lose all the best parts of his wang-doodle and all that sensitivity!
2. it is archaic. initiated back when Jews lived nomadic lives and wore sandals in dirt floor abodes and bathed rarely...we don't have those hygiene issues anymore and it's easier to keep the 'bits and pieces' clean.
3. it is unnecessary pain inflicted on a poor bebe
4. there is risk of things going amiss and leaving the child malformed for life or in danger with a major complication (on this note- there is a large amount of material out there and it isn't very conclusive, but known complications are rare, according to most studies i found (cdc says 0.2- 2.0%), and mostly include infection, bleeding, and not removing enough foreskin).
and now the reasons FOR circumcising (and these are usually argued by the kill-joys, so if you smell the faint odor of fluoride and low fat butter substitute, that's why):
1. don't worry about losing a little sensitivity- some would argue this is a good thing!
2. even in our much cleaner society, a lot of grime can still develop under the foreskin. this is known as smegma (SO TOTALLY NOT MAKING THIS UP!)
3. if done in the baby's first day of life, they have zero memory of the pain, and they rebound very quickly (anesthesia usually involved a sugar sucker and nothing more)
4. and most importantly in my book- there is increased risk of HIV and other STD's with the warm and moist little winkie umbrella still in place for infections to brew in. (interestingly, today in the news there was an article about Africa pushing circumcision as an AIDS prevention method). there is also a significant increase in UTI's and a small increased risk for penile cancer and, subsequently, cervical cancer (in female partners of the uncircumcised) from HPV transmission. and then, there's always phimosis and paraphimosis where the foreskin either can't retract back behind the glans or is stuck retracted and swells and can't get back around...and then penis tissue dies painfully. not good.
Comments:
-"nocirc" said...Circumcision is not harmless and babies do remember the pain, as noted by Taddio, et al., in their study that determined circumcised babies undergoing vaccination respond much more dramatically to the pain than intact boys and girls, a response indicative of PTSD. Circumcision is a primal wound that interferes with the maternal/infant bond, disrupts breastfeeding and normal sleep patterns, and undermines the baby's first developmental task of establishing trust. It leaves both physical and psychological scars and denies a male's right to the wholeness of his body, the fullness of his sexual experience, and self-determination. In the early years, the loss of the 20,000-70,000 specialized, erogenous nerve endings, which encircle the opening of the foreskin and give the male feedback about what his penis is feeling, cause the No. 1 complaint of circumcised males--premature ejaculation. Then, without the protective covering and the callousing of the glans (head of the penis) that follows and increases with age cause erectile dysfunction and even impotence later in life. As Dr. C.J. Falliers wrote in the Journal of the American Medical Association in 1970, "...the fundamental biological sexual act becomes, for the circumcised male, simply a satisfaction of an urge and not the refined sensory experience it was meant to be." Form cannot be altered without altering function. Circumcision affects the male and his partner, too, and the mechanics of sex must be altered to compensate for the loss of normal genitals. All mammals, males and females alike, have a foreskin. If males were supposed to have foreskins, they would be born with them!
-"Hugh7" said..."between 55-90% of the population is circumcised." That's a pretty wide range. Something like 70% of US males are now circumcised, but only about 55% of US babies are being circumcised today (varies by region - lower in the south and west). "in the UK, it's more like 15%." Again, that's prevalence, including older men cut when it was common. The incidence (rate it's done today) is very low, something like 1%. A boy should look like his father? Complications can include death (from bleeding, infection, blocked urethra and kidney failure or other), or how about this? The true complication rate is unknown, because an unknown number are not detected until adulthood (when they affect sexual functioning) - and perhaps not then - and go uncounted. Circumcision is supposed to make a penis "maintenance-free", so mothers are less likely to look, and not to know what to look for. Smegma is not "grime" (it is Greek for soap) but a natural mix of secretions, and is only a problem if it is neglected. Keeping clean is easy and (shhh!) fun. "don't worry about losing a little sensitivity- some would argue this is a good thing!"
They are confusing sensitivity with sensation. It isn't just quantity that's lost but quality. The foreskin has been described as conferring "a symphony of sensation" and getting circumcised in adulthood compared with going colourblind. Fewer nerves means less feedback and hence less control. That could be why women describe (circumcised) men as being too goal-directed in sex. With so few nerves to stimulate, they have to give it all they've got, leaving no attention over to enjoy the journey. We wouldn't consider that deliberately inflicting pain on an adult was acceptable if they didn't remember it - why is it considered okay to do it to a baby? There is a strong suggestion that babies don't cry because they go into shock. With HIV you are confusing risk with danger. Yes, HIV can be deadly, but the difference circumcision makes to your risk in the US (mainly through receptive anal sex or sharing IV drug needles) is negligible. A study of 26,400 men in Baltimore showed no significant difference in the vast majority, only a little subset of 385 "at known risk", of whom only 50 were not circumcised, and of those only 11 were infected, six more than expected. That's not a statistical landslide, individual circumstances could easily account for it. STDs can only reach the "warm and moist little winkie umbrella" if you're not wearing a condom, which is a much greater risk. UTIs are four times commoner in girls. It would take about 190 circumcisions to prevent one UTI, hundreds more to prevent one penile cancer (rarer than male breast cancer). With all of these dread diseases you have to do the numbers, not just say "reduces the risk". Circumcision is not justified on balance, and the bottom line is, it's a human rights issue: whose penis is it?
-"joel" said...I don't agree with circumcision. The foreskin is healthy, sensitive, functional, erogenous genital tissue. to remove it is painful and permanent. There is no reason why this decision should be made without the consent of the individual involved. A foreskin belongs only to the person born with it (unless a decision must be made because of some medical emergency of course). the vast majority of the world gets by totally fine without having a significant, valuable part of their genitals removed.. so my opinion is that we should leave penis-chopping surgery up to individuals to make for themselves when they grow up.
Only Some of The Bump is The Baby, The Rest is Somoas
ignoring the blurry pic off my phone and the clutter behind me, can you kinda see my big 'ol bump?
it's been really fun this week feeling the fish flopping around in there. makes me pause and smile every time. the movements are big enough that my hand on my belly will bounce.
i go to the OB on tuesday. in addition to weighing in, i also have to do a glucose tolerance test where you drink a sugary potion and see how your blood glucose level holds up an hour later, testing to see if we're looking at gestational diabetes.
i think i'll be fine, despite the fact that i've eaten roughly a pound of esther price candy this week (ohio based chocolate company- robb brought them back for valentine's day when he was there visiting) and round about 6 boxes of girl scout cookies.
sigh. those bastard girl scouts know what they're doing. i think i paid for at least 3 of them to go backpacking in the himalayas from the profits of my cookie purchases this year.
and thin mints are not that thin when you make a pile of 5 of them and jam them into your craw. i'm just sayin'.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
People Keep Telling Me I Need To Shower
oh, wait. no, they're saying that i need a shower. not to shower.
like people want to host me up a baby shower.
it's very nice and i'm excited to gather all my peops in one place, but i'm finding it a little overwhelming.
first, i'm not feeling so much on my game these days. double chin and saggy giant bosoms are causing me more anxiety than i thought they would. i'm more self-conscious than i usually allow. and way more self-conscious than i think is gracious considering how hard we fought to get me in this status fatus in the first place. but still, i find myself wondering if my voice is reverberating more when i talk/laugh and i have body envy of tiny pregnant people i know who merely confiscated a basketball under their shirts rather than resembling linebackers.
so there's that. and then there's the fact that these parties always sort of give me the willies. something about too much cutesy nonsense or something. too much fluff, not enough booze.
then there's the whole registry shopping, which gives me palpatations. the baby industry of fear we've discussed is hard to avoid. if i get this boppy instead of this one, am i choosing to deliberately kill my child? is there bpa in this bottle? is there rocket fuel in this pacifier?
i mean, shit.
and what style of stuff do we want for our kid? are we these parents or these ones? is our child this kind of mini person or this one? good lawd, i don't know.
and then there's the whole jinx factor. big party. lots of gifts. thank you cards. house full of baby gear. still no baby in the flesh breathing real air. still potential dangers ahead. gulp. just makes me nervous.
and then there's the unsolicted advice i'm sure to get. and the skeptical looks when we discuss our decisions about baby stuff, baby names, etc. by the way, funny article on that subject today.
i mean, i'm pretty good when i'm getting wacky takes on child-rearing from folks one-on-one, but what about a whole group of people coming at me? i should trust my family and friends more, i know. but despite good intentions it seems like people cannot help themselves. if they found that swaddling their baby and floating them in the bathtub moses-style was a sure cure for hiccups, they'll let me know. or that breast milk fixes everything from a runny noses to a broken toilet...
or, if you don't approve of my baby names (Henry/Anna), God help me, keep it to your own self! i could, obviously, give two shits about what you think, or i would have run them past you in the first place. i should just make up new ones to get a reaction. "well, if it's a girl, we'll call her Princess Gloria Excelsis. and if it's a boy, he'll be George Emilio Hamilton II."
i'm getting all worked up over nothing. i'm sure it will be fine. my friends and family are wonderful people and will surely be normal-ish. right? RIGHT?
oh geez.
like people want to host me up a baby shower.
it's very nice and i'm excited to gather all my peops in one place, but i'm finding it a little overwhelming.
first, i'm not feeling so much on my game these days. double chin and saggy giant bosoms are causing me more anxiety than i thought they would. i'm more self-conscious than i usually allow. and way more self-conscious than i think is gracious considering how hard we fought to get me in this status fatus in the first place. but still, i find myself wondering if my voice is reverberating more when i talk/laugh and i have body envy of tiny pregnant people i know who merely confiscated a basketball under their shirts rather than resembling linebackers.
so there's that. and then there's the fact that these parties always sort of give me the willies. something about too much cutesy nonsense or something. too much fluff, not enough booze.
then there's the whole registry shopping, which gives me palpatations. the baby industry of fear we've discussed is hard to avoid. if i get this boppy instead of this one, am i choosing to deliberately kill my child? is there bpa in this bottle? is there rocket fuel in this pacifier?
i mean, shit.
and what style of stuff do we want for our kid? are we these parents or these ones? is our child this kind of mini person or this one? good lawd, i don't know.
and then there's the whole jinx factor. big party. lots of gifts. thank you cards. house full of baby gear. still no baby in the flesh breathing real air. still potential dangers ahead. gulp. just makes me nervous.
and then there's the unsolicted advice i'm sure to get. and the skeptical looks when we discuss our decisions about baby stuff, baby names, etc. by the way, funny article on that subject today.
i mean, i'm pretty good when i'm getting wacky takes on child-rearing from folks one-on-one, but what about a whole group of people coming at me? i should trust my family and friends more, i know. but despite good intentions it seems like people cannot help themselves. if they found that swaddling their baby and floating them in the bathtub moses-style was a sure cure for hiccups, they'll let me know. or that breast milk fixes everything from a runny noses to a broken toilet...
or, if you don't approve of my baby names (Henry/Anna), God help me, keep it to your own self! i could, obviously, give two shits about what you think, or i would have run them past you in the first place. i should just make up new ones to get a reaction. "well, if it's a girl, we'll call her Princess Gloria Excelsis. and if it's a boy, he'll be George Emilio Hamilton II."
i'm getting all worked up over nothing. i'm sure it will be fine. my friends and family are wonderful people and will surely be normal-ish. right? RIGHT?
oh geez.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Waiting to Meet One of the Loves of Your Life
i keep reflecting on the fact that in a few short months i'm going to meet one of the people who will matter to me most and most effect my life. it's bizarre, because prior to this whole acquiring a baby thing, the people who are most important to me i was either born to or selected through marriage. and then i have a few friends here and there whom i would consider kindred spirits/family. either way, it's been a while since i've added a most precious to my collection.
and as far as i understand it, either through pregnancy or adoption, no matter how long the wait to meet this little person, as soon as they're out and they're with you, they become one of those you can't live without, can't imagine what life was life before their existence.
it's just interesting.
and a whole new life has so much unknown potential. kid could be president in 2060 or could be the most rotten ruthless bank robber of all time. could be an accountant. or could be a trapeze artist. could create a new underwater world where dolphins and humans live in harmony (i'm banking on that one).
it's just wild that this tiny 1 lb fluttering little bug in my belly will be a person soon. in the next couple decades we will see how this person's life unfolds and how they matter on this planet.
it's just wild.
and as far as i understand it, either through pregnancy or adoption, no matter how long the wait to meet this little person, as soon as they're out and they're with you, they become one of those you can't live without, can't imagine what life was life before their existence.
it's just interesting.
and a whole new life has so much unknown potential. kid could be president in 2060 or could be the most rotten ruthless bank robber of all time. could be an accountant. or could be a trapeze artist. could create a new underwater world where dolphins and humans live in harmony (i'm banking on that one).
it's just wild that this tiny 1 lb fluttering little bug in my belly will be a person soon. in the next couple decades we will see how this person's life unfolds and how they matter on this planet.
it's just wild.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Snotty No Sleepy Fat Guy in a Little Coat
can feel baby movement under these simple circumstances: 1) lying on my left side 2) having just eaten a large piece of cake (preferably chocolate) 3) full bladder (no problem) and 4) improved if robb's laying a big man paw on my belly...i think this has to do with smushing the uterus and reducing the baby's swimming hole size, so he/she kicks back, clearly perturbed.
this weekend i was in the wedding of a good friend of mine. it was great and i was only too happy to stand up with her and her lovely bridegroom...even at nearly 6 months pregnant. it's just that i'd forgotten that all her other friends are little wee mini people. i was the miss piggy to their kermit, the giant kardashian who ate the other two sisters, the drag queen that tried to slip in with the other next top model contestants. as much as people reassured me that my dress did not fit like sausage casing, i regret that it did. i wanted mustard. it can't be helped. :)
and then yesterday morning (fortunately after the wedding festivities were over), i woke up all snotty and sneezy and coughy and all other sorts of unpleasant dwarves. i think it's just sinuses/ a cold, but it sucks. it meant that i didn't sleep much last night because every time i swallowed, my throat burned and it kind of woke me up. in retrospect, should have just drooled. PLUS i haven't been sleeping lately much anyway because i'm trying to force myself to sleep on my left side when i'm normally a belly sleeper. PLUS a skunk unleashed its nasty somewhere in the neighborhood last night and i kept smelling it in my sleep. PLUS i wake up no less than 4 times a night to pee anyway.
growl. needless to say, i am cutting myself off of liquids at 8pm tonight (like a little kid), going to bed early with some tylenol PM on board and a rifle next to my bed in case that bastard skunk shows up again.
yea.
this weekend i was in the wedding of a good friend of mine. it was great and i was only too happy to stand up with her and her lovely bridegroom...even at nearly 6 months pregnant. it's just that i'd forgotten that all her other friends are little wee mini people. i was the miss piggy to their kermit, the giant kardashian who ate the other two sisters, the drag queen that tried to slip in with the other next top model contestants. as much as people reassured me that my dress did not fit like sausage casing, i regret that it did. i wanted mustard. it can't be helped. :)
and then yesterday morning (fortunately after the wedding festivities were over), i woke up all snotty and sneezy and coughy and all other sorts of unpleasant dwarves. i think it's just sinuses/ a cold, but it sucks. it meant that i didn't sleep much last night because every time i swallowed, my throat burned and it kind of woke me up. in retrospect, should have just drooled. PLUS i haven't been sleeping lately much anyway because i'm trying to force myself to sleep on my left side when i'm normally a belly sleeper. PLUS a skunk unleashed its nasty somewhere in the neighborhood last night and i kept smelling it in my sleep. PLUS i wake up no less than 4 times a night to pee anyway.
growl. needless to say, i am cutting myself off of liquids at 8pm tonight (like a little kid), going to bed early with some tylenol PM on board and a rifle next to my bed in case that bastard skunk shows up again.
yea.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Ups and Downs
THRILLS: have been feeling lots of movement lately. especially if i lie on my left side, and especially after i eat something sweet (which is often). i just made a batch of these Oatmeal Cookies with Cocoa Nibs and Cinnamon Roasted Almonds and after eating one of them (ok, five of them) i'm feeling cartwheels in the lower right quadrant of my belly. it's cool. and really strange. but mostly cool. and finally on wednesday, robb got to feel movement, too. it was very sweet. his eyes got all big and he declared it "the damned coolest thing ever." pretty much. :)
FREAKING OUT: last weekend a lovely friend from church who has a 3 and a 5 year old told me she was unloading her infant merchandise and gave me first crack at it. she is meticulous and very well organized, so everything was in beautiful condition. and it was great to have this person who i trust advising me on must haves/don't bothers and the features that i'll want in stuff (can you literally hose down this high chair? why yes you can! if your temper tantrum throwing wrecking ball of a 1 yr old comes barreling at this baby gate, will it hold up to the storm? yes it shall). so i felt like i was in good hands and made great purchases. BUT...upon loading my station wagon full of the booty i bought, and seeing the mountain of baby merch taking over my car, realizing that this is only 1/100 of what we'll ultimately have- geez. the reality of the black hole of baby gear set in. my house is tiny. i have fears.
and also, now there is an upstairs full of baby gear just sitting there. prayerfully, to be put to use in 4 1/2 months. but what if something goes awry? then i have all this stuff just mocking me. 'shouldn't you have known better than to build a nursery and plan for a new tiny roommate? has your past taught you nothing?' it's hard. it's just hard. staying positive as best i can, but there are moments when i feel naive and sentimental like i'm putting my heart further and further out there to get smashed.
so that's my freaking out for the week. i am grateful for the baby's movement to remind me that there is life up in there. i am praying for peace of mind and consistent well being and good health for both the bebe and me around the bebe. i'm asking that you (continue to) do the same.
thanks. :)
FREAKING OUT: last weekend a lovely friend from church who has a 3 and a 5 year old told me she was unloading her infant merchandise and gave me first crack at it. she is meticulous and very well organized, so everything was in beautiful condition. and it was great to have this person who i trust advising me on must haves/don't bothers and the features that i'll want in stuff (can you literally hose down this high chair? why yes you can! if your temper tantrum throwing wrecking ball of a 1 yr old comes barreling at this baby gate, will it hold up to the storm? yes it shall). so i felt like i was in good hands and made great purchases. BUT...upon loading my station wagon full of the booty i bought, and seeing the mountain of baby merch taking over my car, realizing that this is only 1/100 of what we'll ultimately have- geez. the reality of the black hole of baby gear set in. my house is tiny. i have fears.
and also, now there is an upstairs full of baby gear just sitting there. prayerfully, to be put to use in 4 1/2 months. but what if something goes awry? then i have all this stuff just mocking me. 'shouldn't you have known better than to build a nursery and plan for a new tiny roommate? has your past taught you nothing?' it's hard. it's just hard. staying positive as best i can, but there are moments when i feel naive and sentimental like i'm putting my heart further and further out there to get smashed.
so that's my freaking out for the week. i am grateful for the baby's movement to remind me that there is life up in there. i am praying for peace of mind and consistent well being and good health for both the bebe and me around the bebe. i'm asking that you (continue to) do the same.
thanks. :)
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