I Have Always Depended on the Kindness of Strangers

i was never very tolerant of people with kids in public places. i'll admit that. it used to irritate me to hear a crying/whining (and no doubt, smelling bad and full of boogers) short person making a scene. on a plane (WORST), in a restaurant, even at the hospital where i work and i know they were visiting a family member patient and i should have been so compassionate but still i was all like, 'hey, lady, can you keep your grubby kid off the hospital floor? he might give it some gross germs.' :)

anyway, all that is to say, that i am now ESPECIALLY humbled because strangers are SO nice to us! when we traveled, when we're out shopping or eating. no one is, obviously, cursing us and, in fact, people are really helpful.

witness tonight at trader joe's when henry decided life as a henry was just too much for him and he was falling apart as i carried him, boneless and wailing, through the store. people were all helpful 'can i reach that for you' and 'here, let me get out of your way' instead of all 'i'm going to choke that kid.'

it's awesome. go society! it probably is that they've all been there before and remember my current situation with some nostalgia. they remember their kids when they were just developing language ("NO!") and doing adorable things like bashing their heads against the side of the cart to make a point (much like starving oneself for social injustice).

i know that some day not too far from now i will feel the same way. and already i'm less self-conscious than i used to be when he has fits in public. but he's not saying anything really loud and clear yet. i guess the next phase will be learning how to gracefully navigate a "THAT FAT LADY SMELLS FUNNY, MOMMY!" moment.

sigh. :)

Feeling Pain is Better Than Not Feeling

on reflecting about a friend of ours who is just kicking all kinds of ass lately in life, robb said "it's funny what happens when people start to believe they're valuable."

so friggin' true. and some people are lucky and learn it early and get so many more years to have fun with life. and also to get out of their own ways so they can live life well and better serve the people they love. and some people don't catch on until late in life, or, sadly, ever, maybe.

but most definitely, the more we're hung up on how awful we are or how much we need to be punished for our flaws/weaknesses, the more dull and dulled we are, the less we can give and love. and the more we are restless and unhappy. 

i've been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a complete person. to grow up and 'embrace your potential.' i was looking through old pictures of myself from high school when i was home for thanksgiving. and notes and poems and stuff my friends and i wrote to each other.

i was pretty unhappy through most of my teenage years. this isn't unusual, i'm sure. but i just remember always feeling unbalanced. like i definitely did not get myself and it freaked me out. i felt stifled and bored and always restless, searching. i never felt grounded and like i was making the right decisions for me, because i didn't know who that was or what they might be. so i made efforts to feel more unbalanced. to date dangerously, to dapple in substances, to wallow and stay on the dark side.

and then i read 'atlas shrugged' by ayn rand. and i really started listening to God. (these are fairly unrelated, although i do NOT think you have to be atheist to be an objectivist. whole 'nother topic). and i got close to robb.

and the three of those things together made me realize i could be kind of great. or maybe already was. it was a really hard thing to get to, since i'd spent a lot of time self-loathing. i was an expert.  but i realized how vain it was to stay consumed with myself, my crappy self.

eventually i concluded that i owed it to myself and the world to stop knocking myself around and be my best me. to keep growing and changing and thriving and live a life that is full and big and loud. to be hot with life. not to let it fester or get cold. to stay driven. stay excited. keep on loving harder, learning more and laughing bigger.

every few years i have to renew this pledge. usually life reminds me that i've gotten a little stale in it and i have to fight to keep fighting. after i was hospitalized and almost died 3 years ago, i lost what was left of my self-consciousness. (this isn't french) FUCK IT was my new motto. every second i was alive and me and with the people who loved me and who i loved was a miracle and the other garbage that interferes with the joy in that? (still not french) FUCK IT.

and i don't think i'm burying my head in the sand. i have known pain since and i've felt it acutely. and i've had my moments of self pity and meals of chocolate ice cream and cabernet, but i guess i'm good with that. i want to feel all the feelings and as large as they are. i don't want to hide from them or dull them (ok, i mean, a little. come on!). i want to see myself through them and take pictures of the scars that they left once i've made it to the other side. the scars are what make me interesting. and able to give anything good to anyone else.


"feeling pain is better than not feeling." -'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' by Jonathan Safran Foer. i'm reading and loving LOVING this book and i read this quote today. 

i want to give people the gift of showing them they're valuable. and you know, we have that power. to give or take that from people. which is why i think the quality i wish most on henry is kindness.

in general, as a parent, i want to get my kid to a place as soon as possible, where he is secure in who he is and actually enjoys it.

i pray: dear God, let him have so many moments of pure, good, true joy. and let him get himself through the painful times with a pure heart, knowing that he did right by himself and others and You. let him feel good about the decisions he makes and thrilled by the life he's leading. let him know that he'd choose himself as a friend and treat himself thusly- with respect, pride, and admiration.

this has sort of evolved, but now every night when i'm putting him to bed, i whisper:

God loves you. mommy and daddy love you. grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles and cousins and family and friends love you. and you love everybody. because you are good and kind and sweet and smart and loving and beautiful and funny and fun and good. (i say that one twice because it seems important). and you're doing a great job of being a person so far. it's not always easy, but you're doing a bang up job. i love you.

Full Sentences!

henry just grabbed a book off the bookshelf (THE book. the only book that would do) and walked it over to robb, who was putting together a lamp.

"here you go."

i said, "henry, daddy is busy. can i read it to you? can mommy read it?"

he looked at me, then back at robb and said "here you go, daddy."

'nuff said. :)

More of the Same; Reproduction Junction

have i mentioned that i'm working in obstetrics and gynecology now?

so i'm helping to deliver babies and taking out female cancers. it's pretty awesome. and what i've always wanted to do. it's a big change from what i was doing, so there's a large learning curve and some adjusting, but it's pretty great. and, being around pregnant people and new critters all the time is,  consequently, making me want to hatch another one.

and, at first blush, i feel like pulling my goalie and making a new one RIGHT NOW...but then i spend another half day in the department and see scary, sad things happen and i get really afraid to try again.

i mean, my miscarriages were hard. but they were really early. not all of them are. and i can't even wrap my brain around the pain of having a full, real baby in there who you've kind of gotten to know-have maybe even gotten henry excited about- and then losing it. and it would involve surgery then, not just some bleeding....

argh. and that's if we got pregnant on our own in the first place! there's always the likelihood that we'll have to struggle to get there. and las drogas that i took last time to make it happen aren't without their side-effects or without the very real possibility of multiples....

yipes. so i'll just sit on this for a while.

meanstwhile, i wll fawn over the screaming slimy red newborns i'm taking out of people and wish them all the best. and i'll attempt to bring comfort to those women i see who are going through losses.

i feel really fortunate to be able to see people in those critical moments of their lives. and i hope i'm making their experiences somewhat better. but for me personally, it's a blessing and a curse to see and know as much as i do. no blissful ignorance here.

hmmm.....

faith you say? good point. we'll work on that. :)

Thanking God for Our Little Fish and Considering Making a School

 i have been astounded by the new ways i've learned to love since becoming a mom. 

i have more of me to offer because of henry. he demands more and i've grown enough surplus me to provide it. i'm more complete and happy and a more fully realized version of myself because i am his mom.

so i suspect, when you have another child, you just add to the well of what you can give. it seems impossible i could feel as many huge emotions for another person, but i guess you just expand your capacity for a matching set of them.

and i think the all-hearts-out, enormous feelings i get for him are a combination of amazement that he exists (i love the smell of the back of his neck), that he is who he is (i love the look of anticipation he has when he knows i'm about to tickle him), that he's mine (his eyes are the same eyes i've seen in the mirror for 30 years), and that he needs me so much.

that need may be the biggest pull they have on us. they are vulnerable and need us to help them figure out how to be people in this world.  i have to protect him. i have to give him enough support and protection to know he's not standing on his own and the experiences and wherewithal to know that if he has to, he is able.

i started reflecting on all this cuz i was watching robb swim with him tonight at his swimming lesson. henry is so confident and sure of himself and has a ball. he drinks a ton of water because he hasn't learned to close the goofy grin for a second while he's being submerged. he laughs and jumps and plays and nothing stops him.  but it wasn't always like that. when we started, he fussed for weeks and weeks and would cling to robb each 30 minute swim class. he hated going under water. he almost never smiled.

and he cried every time he had to roll on his back to look up for back exercises. i think he felt most out of control then. but now he nestles into robb's neck and looks up and chatters about the fish on the ceiling. no fear. only confidence. in himself and his dad.

that's a huge responsibility- to provide someone persistent reassurance and availability and to keep pushing them to challenge themselves and achieve. to give them faith and confidence that you won't let them fall and teach them how to float on their own, so that, eventually they won't let themselves fall.

it's also an enormous gift to give someone. 

we're in discussions on when to get henry a human playmate. there's some talk of pregnancy sometime in the next year. but there's also some talk of adopting.

i have seen or been part of both biological and adoption stories that are miraculous and wonderful and totally heartbreaking and devastating. i know with adoption there is great risk as well as great expense.

i also believe we could give a child a love, security, and future he/she would never otherwise have. and it seems wasteful not to do that.  we have so much and there are so many kids with nothing. let's meet in the middle for at least one of them, i'm thinking.

we'll see. we're just starting to consider our options. obviously, life and the huge pile of love and resources we're providing is a gift for any child, biologically ours our not.

it's a lot to think, talk, and pray about.

17 Months of Wonder,

duckling is getting more and more fun every day. tonight, we literally rolled around laughing together from the time we got him home after work until we put him to bed. he PLAYS now. and sort of, kind of gets how jokes work. A-MA-ZING. i've loved every stage of him more than the last and this one right now is the best. naturally.

he loves books. he asks for them all the time and knows many by heart (starts to say/sign the next page before we get there, etc). he is stringing some words together ('where blankie' and 'mommy juice'- no joke. he points to my wine and calls it mommy juice. so proud i could cry). he eats like a boss. usually when he wakes in the morning his first words are "EAT" or "HUNGRY" or "APPLE." he still loves watching the muppets and is totally into fish. i have a new aquarium app on my phone that i am totally obsessed with he seems to really enjoy.

enough talking. time for the good stuff:

"henry ready go" is from swimming lessons. we say it to him right before we're going to drop him/push him under water. good times had by all. 




i think he actually says "grover" and i correct him like a big mean jerk. therapy.



LOVES TO READ!!



robb says tonight, "i think he's too young to get complexes."

Halloween 2012 and 'How to Raise a Tiny Psychopath'

henry was 'the dude' from "the big lebowski" for halloween this year. we figured this might be our last year of him not having much of an opinion on the subject, so we'd dress him in a way that makes us giggle. (the one on the left is henry, the one on the right is jeff bridges)

he drank his "caucasian" (hold the vodka, hold the kahlua, coconut milk sub for creamer) and loved answering the door to the trick-or-treaters ("hiiii!"). he also trick-or-treated to exactly 1 house, but kind of had to be dragged away from the leaves he was playing in and up the steps. once he got there, he saw the dog behind the glass door, and we had to drag him back down the steps away from the house. after all that dragging, we just set up shop in our living room to give out candy. CANDY! he gets it and he likes it.

smarties are to henry as cocaine is to, well, anyone, i guess. he looooooved them. he also enjoyed combing through the bowl of candy and hoarding it all for himself. when the poor saps at the door wanted some, he was having none of that.

lately, even when we're not hyperstimulating him with sugar, he's been getting really frustrated. he melts down and throws himself to the floor, shakes and clenches his jaw and sometimes hits himself or us when he doesn't get what he wants, and today at daycare, he bit himself hard enough to leave a mark when another kid had the toy he wanted. i was all ready to write love on his arm and intervene, but the daycare guru lady said it's typical at this stage. when he can't yet express what he wants verbally, but he SHORE as hell knows what it is when he's not getting it, he uses any method he can to release the aggression. they told me to be thankful he's biting himself instead of others. well, he's done that, too. but i guess this way we're not getting any new strands of rabies, right?

hopefully we can help give him some coping skills and language to express his frustration before he gnaws off a foot or something.

the dude abides.