My Lovely Lady Bump

17 wks appt today went great. "everything is perfect" according to my ob/gyn. tra-la! this is me after a long winter walk with robb and dog. said dog's butt made it into the picture, too.

The Mommy Club

so, i'm struggling a bit. i'm getting accused by friends of not being excited enough about being pregnant. not being radiant and glowing and planning for the future. most of this, i'm sure, is that i'm still feeling nervous and cautious after 2 losses. with those, i think i may have lost the luxury of being relaxed and ecstatic in pregnancy. but part of it is that i'm just too practical and not into all the bells and whistles. i am not the first pregnant person in the history of the world. i just don't need that much credit for doing something that millions of people have done before me.

i was like this when i got married, too. i was probably a big let-down bride for the people trying to help because i just didn't care about the details. "cake looks totally different than ordered? has the wrong names on it? is half eaten? whatever. no worries. who's going to turn down chocolate? bridesmaid shoes don't come in on time? barefoot it is! maybe we'll make the guests go barefoot, too." etc.

i guess i don't need all the frufru and attention that comes with being pregnant. although i will admit that i'm getting a giggle from wearing clever pregnancy shirts ("i grow people. what's your super power?" and "future spartan" with an arrow pointed down to belly).

people ask all the time the following questions....i think they are the normal questions you ask prego people and it can't be helped, but i definitely disappoint them with my answers because i'm just not over the moon enough or something.

1. are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl? answer- decidedly no. because we don't give two shits either way. we want a fully developed, healthy human baby. any other characteristics don't matter at all. i want to see the heart chambers and valves and as much of the brain and other organs as can be assessed. the penis/vulva and ten fingers/toes are really low on my list of priorities. i think part of this indifference about sex is that i don't think sex defines you all that much. we have names picked out for both (anna/henry, most likely) and i really don't require frills for a girl and macho tiny stuff for a boy. and i think it's kind of lame to announce the sex or be all secretive with the sex and names and such. especially with the sex. are people really going to be more excited or bitterly disappointed one way or the other? i mean, if you say "IT'S A GIRL!" do they all go, "ah, man, better luck next time?" i don't know. i just don't get it. unless you have your heart set on one and want to mentally prepare in case it's the other...i guess then it makes sense. but to each his own.

2. is your nursery all ready? answer- seriously? i'm due in june. that's 6 months from now. we might start working on it in april. and i will happily take hand-me-downs. no martha stewart nursery is necessary for me. pictures of family and maybe a mural or cool paintings is all that we might do. we'll see. i mean, a baby can sleep in a folded t-shirt, stuffed in a dresser drawer for the first few months, so i'm not really stressing much about it at this point.

3. have you registered for baby stuff? answer- again. no. april or may. if baby comes early, i have plenty of t-shirts and can empty out a drawer. and my house is too tiny to pack it with the insane amount of baby crap that's out there to buy. we're going to keep it bare bones. just the necessities, and easy, collapsible versions of those when possible. i'm going to take my friends with kids with me and have them tell me what to buy and what to skip.

now all that being said, we are making some plans to rearrange the house to accommodate a nursery. we're going to slowly start making some changes to prepare. maybe more profound nesting will come in later, but for now, i just want to go one baby step at a time. (harharhar)

Happy Pukey

i really have felt better, psychologically, the last few days. i've been very smiley and excited about the little nugget growing in my gut.

speaking of gut, i puked mine up today when i attempted a piece of pizza. baby HATES pizza.

fair enough.

My Friend Kristen

boy, have i been struggling to keep my faith lately. despite over 15 weeks of a healthy, lovely pregnancy, i am so terrified of the other shoe dropping on my head, that i can't seem to put together thanks or relief or peace in this pregnancy. it feels like the further i go along, the harder i will fall, the more it will hurt when the inevitable hurt does come.

do you see what i mean? no faith. i'm trying to be all stoic and when faced with all the possible outcomes of this pregnancy, i keep saying, "it is what it is." but that's not really helping anything. my therapist would not endorse that forced/fake apathy.

and then on friday i got this Christmas card from my good friend Kristen who has had a pretty trying, painful year her ownself. she is just so joyful about my pregnancy. so relieved. she says that this has renewed her faith in prayer! that maybe something wonderful will come of this awful year.

i sat down on my dining room floor and sobbed after i read that.

i am so glad she's been praying and has found some redemption in this because i still feel so lost from God.

i have been so bogged down in fear and doubt and still this anger at God at what i can't help but be convinced He has taken from me and might be preparing to take yet again. it's like this ball of awful in my throat that i just can't choke down to get words of thanks out. i should be down on my knees thanking God for this opportunity of another pregnancy, a chance at new life. but instead i feel like i have my jaw clenched waiting for the blow.

i have felt almost afraid to pray for the baby's well being because prayers didn't get me anywhere last time and i don't want to be disappointed in God or more angry than i already am if things don't work out. like i want a guarantee before i'll be grateful. i don't want to be sucker punched again.

but it doesn't work like that. and God isn't out to get me. and He hasn't been doing this to me. i know this to be true. He hurts when i hurt. and He rejoices over me in gladness (Zephaniah 3:17). the beauty and the sweetness in kristen's words brought me back to the blessing that this is.

and then, icing on self-revelation cake, i was reading an update from a friend on her husband's recovery from 16 hrs of surgery to take a tumor out, following brutal chemo and radiation treatments. she is joyous in the small daily strides he is making. she is not assuming the worst, she is faithful and strong and with much hope.

and she posted this- Hebrews 11:1- Faith is the confidence that...what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

that she can be so strong in faith right now despite the odds against her little family...

so here's my new game plan. i will no longer wallow in fear. i will have faith and assume God is on my side and with me and hearing my (and everyone's on my behalf) prayers. ok, break!

and, as robb has been telling me to do lately when i am whining, i will "sack up." :)

You Have to Check These Out

ahahahahahahahahaha

http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/

I Am Rip Van Winkle.

these days (pregnant days), when i fall asleep, it's like falling down a dark, deep well. even if i just sleep for a few minutes, i wake up disoriented and dizzy and feeling like i've been hit by a truck. so i don't take naps at all, as i know i'll be just wasted the rest of the night...so if i'm bone tired, i just numbly watch tv for a few hrs to rejuvenate but dare not fall asleep.

if i get a decent night's sleep, i wake up fine. it's just getting interrupted that my body doesn't seem to like.

the problem is, part of my job is taking overnight call. i have gotten my delightful coworkers to cover me a lot lately, but the one time i did get called in at 2am a while back i got so dizzy, i had to sit down and couldn't finish what was left of the case. it's scary and unpleasant. i wonder if there are any tricks to waking up quicker/better. hmmm....

otherwise, i think the day time fatigue is getting better. not putting on my dancing shoes just yet, but maybe my walking ones...


i said winkle.

Yeasty but Not Rising. (ewwww)

apparently one of the joys of pregnancy is the all the chemical changes that your body experiences both inside and out.

both myself and one of my pregnant coworkers have been inflicted with yeast infections in the last week. itchy, burny further proof that there is a bun in the oven. (have to stop making bread metaphors...unless...is anyone out there trying to avoid carbs right now? i could be helping.)

i would normally just have diagnosed it and treated it myself with over the counter monistat, but then i started fearing that i was having urinary tract issues, too, so i took myself to my ob/gyn to get swabbed and sampled. and it's just a candida (yeast) infection. easy, cheap, quick treatment and all will be well.

and i got to hear the heartbeat again. :) tra-la. i will never get tired of that sound.

this post tmi? nah. just wait. i foresee it will get much less tasteful and much more graphic as the months roll on. brace yourselves. :)

Hear Me Roar

i can't really burp. there, now the whole world knows my shameful secret. it's been a fact for as long as i've known myself. i sort of do this weird little gurgly thing and some strange sound escapes from my mouth that people have said sounds like there's a tiny man living deep in my gut that burps loud and this is the quiet echo that makes it to the surface.

it's the best i can do.

and whoa mama, the little man has been in high gear lately. geez. i'm popping tums left and right to quell this indigestion. it seems like i get nauseous when i'm hungry and then feel ok while i'm eating and then get indigestion immediately after. it's delightful. :)

but my energy seems better than it had been. i kept up with my girl relatives this weekend for shopping and eating and movie watching and stuff. it was great and i didn't feel like i was going to fall over in exhaustion.

everyone is all excited about the pregnancy and everything. they even bought me some maternity clothes (which are WAY more comfy than simply unbuttoning my jeans and putting a cloth strap ('belly band') around my waste to cover my indiscretion). they're also all asking about baby names. we're not entirely decided, but this article i came across gave some interesting arguments about how to choose names and the social impact they have, etc.