My Lovely Lady Bump

17 wks appt today went great. "everything is perfect" according to my ob/gyn. tra-la! this is me after a long winter walk with robb and dog. said dog's butt made it into the picture, too.

The Mommy Club

so, i'm struggling a bit. i'm getting accused by friends of not being excited enough about being pregnant. not being radiant and glowing and planning for the future. most of this, i'm sure, is that i'm still feeling nervous and cautious after 2 losses. with those, i think i may have lost the luxury of being relaxed and ecstatic in pregnancy. but part of it is that i'm just too practical and not into all the bells and whistles. i am not the first pregnant person in the history of the world. i just don't need that much credit for doing something that millions of people have done before me.

i was like this when i got married, too. i was probably a big let-down bride for the people trying to help because i just didn't care about the details. "cake looks totally different than ordered? has the wrong names on it? is half eaten? whatever. no worries. who's going to turn down chocolate? bridesmaid shoes don't come in on time? barefoot it is! maybe we'll make the guests go barefoot, too." etc.

i guess i don't need all the frufru and attention that comes with being pregnant. although i will admit that i'm getting a giggle from wearing clever pregnancy shirts ("i grow people. what's your super power?" and "future spartan" with an arrow pointed down to belly).

people ask all the time the following questions....i think they are the normal questions you ask prego people and it can't be helped, but i definitely disappoint them with my answers because i'm just not over the moon enough or something.

1. are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl? answer- decidedly no. because we don't give two shits either way. we want a fully developed, healthy human baby. any other characteristics don't matter at all. i want to see the heart chambers and valves and as much of the brain and other organs as can be assessed. the penis/vulva and ten fingers/toes are really low on my list of priorities. i think part of this indifference about sex is that i don't think sex defines you all that much. we have names picked out for both (anna/henry, most likely) and i really don't require frills for a girl and macho tiny stuff for a boy. and i think it's kind of lame to announce the sex or be all secretive with the sex and names and such. especially with the sex. are people really going to be more excited or bitterly disappointed one way or the other? i mean, if you say "IT'S A GIRL!" do they all go, "ah, man, better luck next time?" i don't know. i just don't get it. unless you have your heart set on one and want to mentally prepare in case it's the other...i guess then it makes sense. but to each his own.

2. is your nursery all ready? answer- seriously? i'm due in june. that's 6 months from now. we might start working on it in april. and i will happily take hand-me-downs. no martha stewart nursery is necessary for me. pictures of family and maybe a mural or cool paintings is all that we might do. we'll see. i mean, a baby can sleep in a folded t-shirt, stuffed in a dresser drawer for the first few months, so i'm not really stressing much about it at this point.

3. have you registered for baby stuff? answer- again. no. april or may. if baby comes early, i have plenty of t-shirts and can empty out a drawer. and my house is too tiny to pack it with the insane amount of baby crap that's out there to buy. we're going to keep it bare bones. just the necessities, and easy, collapsible versions of those when possible. i'm going to take my friends with kids with me and have them tell me what to buy and what to skip.

now all that being said, we are making some plans to rearrange the house to accommodate a nursery. we're going to slowly start making some changes to prepare. maybe more profound nesting will come in later, but for now, i just want to go one baby step at a time. (harharhar)

Happy Pukey

i really have felt better, psychologically, the last few days. i've been very smiley and excited about the little nugget growing in my gut.

speaking of gut, i puked mine up today when i attempted a piece of pizza. baby HATES pizza.

fair enough.

My Friend Kristen

boy, have i been struggling to keep my faith lately. despite over 15 weeks of a healthy, lovely pregnancy, i am so terrified of the other shoe dropping on my head, that i can't seem to put together thanks or relief or peace in this pregnancy. it feels like the further i go along, the harder i will fall, the more it will hurt when the inevitable hurt does come.

do you see what i mean? no faith. i'm trying to be all stoic and when faced with all the possible outcomes of this pregnancy, i keep saying, "it is what it is." but that's not really helping anything. my therapist would not endorse that forced/fake apathy.

and then on friday i got this Christmas card from my good friend Kristen who has had a pretty trying, painful year her ownself. she is just so joyful about my pregnancy. so relieved. she says that this has renewed her faith in prayer! that maybe something wonderful will come of this awful year.

i sat down on my dining room floor and sobbed after i read that.

i am so glad she's been praying and has found some redemption in this because i still feel so lost from God.

i have been so bogged down in fear and doubt and still this anger at God at what i can't help but be convinced He has taken from me and might be preparing to take yet again. it's like this ball of awful in my throat that i just can't choke down to get words of thanks out. i should be down on my knees thanking God for this opportunity of another pregnancy, a chance at new life. but instead i feel like i have my jaw clenched waiting for the blow.

i have felt almost afraid to pray for the baby's well being because prayers didn't get me anywhere last time and i don't want to be disappointed in God or more angry than i already am if things don't work out. like i want a guarantee before i'll be grateful. i don't want to be sucker punched again.

but it doesn't work like that. and God isn't out to get me. and He hasn't been doing this to me. i know this to be true. He hurts when i hurt. and He rejoices over me in gladness (Zephaniah 3:17). the beauty and the sweetness in kristen's words brought me back to the blessing that this is.

and then, icing on self-revelation cake, i was reading an update from a friend on her husband's recovery from 16 hrs of surgery to take a tumor out, following brutal chemo and radiation treatments. she is joyous in the small daily strides he is making. she is not assuming the worst, she is faithful and strong and with much hope.

and she posted this- Hebrews 11:1- Faith is the confidence that...what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

that she can be so strong in faith right now despite the odds against her little family...

so here's my new game plan. i will no longer wallow in fear. i will have faith and assume God is on my side and with me and hearing my (and everyone's on my behalf) prayers. ok, break!

and, as robb has been telling me to do lately when i am whining, i will "sack up." :)

You Have to Check These Out

ahahahahahahahahaha

http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/

I Am Rip Van Winkle.

these days (pregnant days), when i fall asleep, it's like falling down a dark, deep well. even if i just sleep for a few minutes, i wake up disoriented and dizzy and feeling like i've been hit by a truck. so i don't take naps at all, as i know i'll be just wasted the rest of the night...so if i'm bone tired, i just numbly watch tv for a few hrs to rejuvenate but dare not fall asleep.

if i get a decent night's sleep, i wake up fine. it's just getting interrupted that my body doesn't seem to like.

the problem is, part of my job is taking overnight call. i have gotten my delightful coworkers to cover me a lot lately, but the one time i did get called in at 2am a while back i got so dizzy, i had to sit down and couldn't finish what was left of the case. it's scary and unpleasant. i wonder if there are any tricks to waking up quicker/better. hmmm....

otherwise, i think the day time fatigue is getting better. not putting on my dancing shoes just yet, but maybe my walking ones...


i said winkle.

Yeasty but Not Rising. (ewwww)

apparently one of the joys of pregnancy is the all the chemical changes that your body experiences both inside and out.

both myself and one of my pregnant coworkers have been inflicted with yeast infections in the last week. itchy, burny further proof that there is a bun in the oven. (have to stop making bread metaphors...unless...is anyone out there trying to avoid carbs right now? i could be helping.)

i would normally just have diagnosed it and treated it myself with over the counter monistat, but then i started fearing that i was having urinary tract issues, too, so i took myself to my ob/gyn to get swabbed and sampled. and it's just a candida (yeast) infection. easy, cheap, quick treatment and all will be well.

and i got to hear the heartbeat again. :) tra-la. i will never get tired of that sound.

this post tmi? nah. just wait. i foresee it will get much less tasteful and much more graphic as the months roll on. brace yourselves. :)

Hear Me Roar

i can't really burp. there, now the whole world knows my shameful secret. it's been a fact for as long as i've known myself. i sort of do this weird little gurgly thing and some strange sound escapes from my mouth that people have said sounds like there's a tiny man living deep in my gut that burps loud and this is the quiet echo that makes it to the surface.

it's the best i can do.

and whoa mama, the little man has been in high gear lately. geez. i'm popping tums left and right to quell this indigestion. it seems like i get nauseous when i'm hungry and then feel ok while i'm eating and then get indigestion immediately after. it's delightful. :)

but my energy seems better than it had been. i kept up with my girl relatives this weekend for shopping and eating and movie watching and stuff. it was great and i didn't feel like i was going to fall over in exhaustion.

everyone is all excited about the pregnancy and everything. they even bought me some maternity clothes (which are WAY more comfy than simply unbuttoning my jeans and putting a cloth strap ('belly band') around my waste to cover my indiscretion). they're also all asking about baby names. we're not entirely decided, but this article i came across gave some interesting arguments about how to choose names and the social impact they have, etc.

It Seems Real Now

13 weeks and going strong. ultrasound today was a success. didn't sleep much last night in preparation for it, but all was wonderful.

we've never gotten this far before. uncharted territory now. baby was at proper size and movement and heartbeat and all of it. we are feeling very relieved and thankful right now. thanks to everyone for praying for "baby z." even when i haven't been able to crawl out of my own fear enough to be thankful and worship, you all have been doing it for me and i am very grateful.

smooches!!

5 More Days 'Til Answers . And Also 5 day weekend!

it's been a looooong 5 wks as i wait for my next ultrasound. but it's this coming monday (29th) in the morning.

i can't help but be afraid. i think i'm bracing myself for bad news. and at this stage, bad news would mean surgery to expel the bad news. these are the dark thoughts i'm trying to fight off.

and yet i'm still having all kinds of symptoms (nausea, food aversions, cravings, fatigue, dizziness), so i hope those are confirming good news. they are, right? right?

i hope that if all is well at monday's appt, i can relax a bit. i will officially be several weeks past where i've gotten in prior pregnancies, and that is wonderful.

please pray. i'm having trouble doing that because i still seem to see prayer as some sort of fortune cookie. like i can ask the cookie for what i want, but my destiny is already pre-printed on a little slip of paper on the inside, so how can i persuade God to change the path he already knows my life will be taking? begging for health last pregnancy didn't do squat. if you have any suggestions on this, i'd love to hear them. i'm feeling ungrateful and awful but i can't seem to adjust my thinking. sorry, God. i'm trying.

Kids, They Will Break Your Heart

so, just as we've seen that there are no guaranties with pregnancy, we are also seeing now intimately that there are no guarantees with adoption.

the same wonderful, amazing, exceptional friends whom i wrote about the other day in celebration for the birth of their new little one are now grieving as the birth parents have decided to keep him. after spending months getting to know the birth family and preparing for the life changing arrival and then long days and nights in the hospital with 'their son,' they now feel like they have lost him as they likely will never see him again.

their pain and devastation is profound and reminds me a lot of the days following my losses. but in many ways so much worse, as they got to meet their little person and they have a house full of baby stuff now.

it just sucks.

my heart is breaking for them. and for all the other friends we now know through our infertility/ miscarriage support groups who also had adoptions fall through. some even took their child home before learning that the birth parents had a change of heart.

i try to be empathetic toward the birth parents. i can't imagine a harder decision to have to make. and especially when they are teenagers like these people are. the magnitude of this decision, the intensity of these relationships is something they've never experienced before. and it's probably impossible for them, especially with their limited world view and experience, to predict how challenging it will be to continue making the right decision even after seeing the baby.

i pray that they have the support and wisdom to be patient, loving, mature parents to this little guy. i imagine that our friends were needed by this baby, this family over those few days in the hospital and the months leading up to this and that they may never know the impact they made on this child or the family. by being an incredible example of God's people and a fantastic married couple, they showed these birth parents how to be a strong couple, genuinely loving, good people, and great parents. they've given them many gifts. i know it hurts now, but God has to be involved in this whole mess and will sort it all out. we just have to believe that.

it is very hard not to focus on the loss, but our friends are doing their best to survive this and to rebound as much as possible as they never know when another baby might be born that needs their love.

bless them, please God. hold them and love them. we do.

Wooooooo Hooooooo! Now, After All That Excitement, I Need a Nap

so, two of our favorite people are adopting a baby boy and he was born last night! everyone is healthy and happy. things are still a bit nerve racking until custody is officially exchanged and such, but we are very hopeful and feeling so excited and blessed for them! yay! they are going to be amazing, incredible parents and they've been waiting a long time to meet their kid. God is good.

and while they're at the hospital smelling that new baby smell, robb and i went out to breakfast this morning, to the farmers' market and then to the zoo to wander around in the sunshine. it was blissful, and maybe all told we walked 3 miles. but it was enough for me to require a long nap when we got home.

i do so much lying around these days. sleeping or near sleeping. that is how you'll find me. this growing fingers and toes thing wears a body out. :) :) :)

Sufferin Suckatash

i have this amazing coworker. i mean, she's really good at her job and she's also a genuinely wonderful person. we've gotten to know each other over time and after my last miscarriage, she revealed some really personal, difficult parts of her history to me.

sadly, during her time trying to have children, she suffered several miscarriages and years of fertility treatments that did not work. happily, she has overcome this hardship and is the best aunt ever to some 15 nieces and nephews. she's really proud of this role she has in their lives. i'm sure she's an amazing constant for them. funny and fun and smart and brave. they're very lucky to have her. also, her marriage survived all the loss and pain of that time of trying and they're going strong after 20+ years. i salute her (them).

today, i shared with her the good news of my pregnancy and then, of course, told her how nervous i am and she hugged me and just said "enjoy your moment."

huh. good point. as much as i wring my hands over how little control i have over everything, she's right. immediately right now i feel happy and excited and wonderful (pukey and tired and bloated!). i'm gonna enjoy it, dagnammit.

These Smells, They Are a Trying to Kill Me

it doesn't help that i work at a hospital. all day, every day the smells of poo and burning flesh fill the halls as a matter of fact. but i am smelling all of it in vivid, wide colorful odors. every nook and cranny has its own unique gross stink.

and the real world also offers its own pungent bouquet to my werewolf nose. there's some smell in the crevices of my car that can only be described as 'death.' i'm getting it detail cleaned hopefully later this week- otherwise i might have to sell it/drive it off a mountain.

as with my first pregnancy, robb's breath (which i usually find lovely- he is very careful about dental hygiene) has been repelling me. i feel like a total a-hole, but i cannot help it. i keep reassuring him that usually his chemistry and all his smells are wonderful to me, just not so much right now. poor guy.

again, the symptoms are reassuring, right?

How Am I Feeling?

this is the question i'm getting now 40 times a day since my cast at the theater (i'm doing a production of "steel magnolias" right now, have i mentioned that? i'm sure i have) and the whole OR now knows about my pregnancy. i had only told a few fellow PA's and asked them to mum's the word...and they did for a few weeks, miraculously, but now the word is out.

so...how am i feeling. pretty gross. (which is great!) i have thrown up twice. i seem to wretch every night when trying to brush my teeth and once it got the better of me. i had black eyes the next day from popping blood vessels. then yesterday as i was leaving work, the smell of the air freshener in my car twisted my insides and i 'released' the entire contents of a fruit salad into the parking lot next to my car.

but, thankfully, the nausea doesn't bother me much when i'm concentrating hard on something, so during play rehearsals and while scrubbed in the OR, i'm ok so far. let's hope that keeps up.

sleeping a lot. boobs still hurt. peeing all the time.

all these things together= awesome!! i'm relieved by the daily confirmation. thank you, God for my womiting. :)

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming...

i've been doing my best to stay calm and positive. and i'm doing one heck of a job, i must say.

but the fears do creep in. of course, every gas pang i have i need to convince myself isn't a uterine cramp. and i am still taking my temp every day to make sure it stays up...and ok, this is gross, but every time i pee, i am looking for any evidence of that sad red stuff.

but other than that, i'm doing pretty well.

except for the nightmares. i've had a couple recently centered around miscarrying. not actively in the process of it, just the idea of it. but the details never add up and when i wake up i kind of know it's not real and am not too worried.

i feel a moment of panic every time we tell anyone our news. but then i'm also glad. i want an army of people out there with prayers and well wishes. maybe if everyone we know is sending our little wee one positive energy, good things will happen. and eventually maybe these dreams will stop and i'll enjoy pregnancy?? we'll see. :)

thank you, all. please keep it up.

i cried.

from robb....

the accumulation of doubt and triumph resulted in tears of joy when i saw a little flicker on the ultrasound screen. it was immediate and unmistakable. our baby has a heartbeat and is more than likely going to be born in june.

for reasons beyond my comprehension God has carried me in His hands, so things in my life generally work out. when sarah was pregnant for the first time, i assumed we'd be proud parents last march. when she had spotting and we went in for an ultrasound, i knew we'd be ok. i had assumed it'd be a life changing moment to see my first child's heartbeat on the screen, but it really wasn't. it was a matter of fact.

but we lost that baby (miss u, snowpea), and then another (xoxo, blueberry), and it has been very difficult for me to watch the anguish that sarah has felt so much more acutely than i have.

i have felt grief and sorrow, too, but at no point was my biological function in question. we lost the first to a zombie bite. from a numerical perspective, this will not happen again. but it wasn't my body that endured 106*F (41.1*C) and flying pig hallucinations. so i could be confident to try again, but that didn't stop the doubt from creeping in for sarah. i could mourn later, so i had to help her through it.

the second miscarriage amplified the sorrow, disappointment, fear, doubt, and self-loathing. it didn't end with a bizarre catastrophe like the first. we had nothing but, "this happens in 30% of pregnancies. this is normal." that's great when you're being rational, but it doesn't stop her from wondering if she isn't meant to carry children. that is a difficult concept to face, and i did what i could to carry her through. the beauty of a marriage is that we share everything. usually we're sharing joy, but sometimes we share desperate devastation.

i was elated that the lab work showed her third pregnancy is healthy. i trust the lab and cumulative data of millions of women. and i'm the optimist between the two of us. but the morning of our ultrasound it occurred to me that maybe something could go wrong with this pregnancy, that maybe the baby wasn't fine. by the time we went to the doctor that afternoon i was back to optimism. apparently, though, the doubt we shared had accumulated in my heart. i felt like we were vindicated, like i could just feel some joy for my sarah, for what she had to think about herself in the last year. i cried when i saw my baby's heartbeat because of the certainty, the peace it gave her. i was so relieved for her, so satisfied to see her comforted, at least a little.

Some Good?

this whole time, these years of trying and losing and hurting and wanting to make sense of it all...i just kept hoping there was some divine reason for it. something that could be gained after all that we had lost.

last week a coworker who is 11 wks pregnant started bleeding heavily. she was, of course, terrified and dreading the awful outcome that she couldn't help but expect. and i was the one she wanted by her side. we went to the ER and shook together as the nurse tried to hear heart tones through crappy old equipment and could not. we held our breaths as the doc checked her cervix and found that it was closed! (tra-la)! and then, ended up laughing and clinging to each other with relief when the ultrasound showed a strong heart beat, active baby...with some blood around the placenta. it was such a relief. not that she's out of the woods. she is lying low for now and might have a rather fragile pregnancy to follow. but what a miracle it was to not have fetal demise following blood. i was ecstatic.

and felt so blessed, so empowered that i could be there for her and that i was the one most required by her then, with my intimate insights into how she was feeling. it was amazing.

a gift from God. and then being there when the news was good! it gave me hope that sometimes, even when things look scary, the news can actually be good.

........things are going along well with me, as far as i can tell. nauseous but not yet vomited. STARVING and then find i can't eat much before i feel ill. craving orange juice, mashed potatoes, and biscuits. have indulged all of these. a lot. my sweet sister brought me some bday/baby news presents that included a sign that reads simply and perfectly, "faith" and a jar of pickles and some chocolate ice cream. :)

my one complaint is that i have to wait until 13 wks to have another ultrasound to make sure everything is ok. i would have them every day if i could. :) but i now have faith. it's on my wall. :)

and patience is a....something...that's another symptom. i'm a little forgetful these days. :)

Keep Flipping, Little Flipper

so yesterday, i had an ultrasound. 6 wks 6 days. AND THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT!!!! and i measured exactly where i should for this far along.

i know i'm not at all out of the woods yet. but this bodes well! and i'm feeling nauseous all the time! it's wonderful.

robb cried when we say that little flicker. 130 bpm of pure bliss. (that's normal- they're like humming birds when they first start out).

i'm overjoyed. relieved. excited. june 8th is my due date. amazing miracle. thank you, God.

keep gupping, little guppy.

This is Getting Gooder...

called in tonight and my beta hcg is over 6,000! that's a definite pregnant anyway. don't know much else yet. from the vague numbers i can find on line, it seems that at this stage i should be anywhere from 500-10,000...and i'm in that mix, so i'm really hopeful that this is a good sign.

we'll recheck on tues to make sure the numbers are at least doubling in that 72 hr spread. then maybe sometime later in the week another ultrasound?

smiling a bit despite myself.

Dear God, please protect this baby. please, please, please.

Should I Be Scared? Can I Really Help It?

scary, disappointing morning. made an appt to visit my ob/gyn this morning really hoping for a heart beat to ease my mind, or at least some labs to make sure things are progressing along.

ultrasound showed no movement. this, of course, stopped my heart. but the tech and the MD both said i was so early (5 wks, 3 days) it's likely the heart just hasn't formed enough to show a decipherable beat yet...should in a few days if all is well. so he drew a beta hcg and then will draw another on tuesday to make sure it's trending up appropriately.

i'm on call this weekend and for the first time ever am kind of hoping to get called in so that i can check my labs on the hospital online charting system.

it was hard to see ANOTHER still ultrasound. but i have symptoms, there's no blood, and it is REAAAALLY early.

so i'm praying and begging that it's just a matter of time and patience and all will be well.

please, God. let it all be well.

Reluctantly Excited

all the symptoms are here, but it still could be so many things.

i am urinating all the time, my breasts feel like they've been caned (or how i would imagine caning might feel), i'm nauseous and hungry both and i'm taking a lot of naps.

and, of course, there was the positive urine pregnancy test last saturday.

but all of this could still just be a chemical pregnancy, an empty sac, a hysterical pregnancy, etc, etc.

i am so afraid to be happy for fear that i will feel like a dope when i get crushed again.

God, please save this baby.

Seriously, I have So Much More Compassion for Menopausal Women

hot flashes are for the birds. i wouldn't actually wish them on birds. with Clomid, i've been getting raging hot flashes that last about 1 1/2 wks during my cycle. it happens so randomly, and so completely, it feels like i am blushing from head to toe or like i just ran up 10 flights of stairs but am somehow not winded. it's a crazy sensation and it's very annoying. so mom, when i used to tease you about stripping down to your skivvies in the kitchen in january when a flash struck you, i am sorry. i've had a small taste of it and it rightly sucks.

Seriously! Can You Stop Talking for 2 Seconds!!

i've been perplexed and frustrated about how to pray for a long time. i thank God all the time for all my blessings. i got that part down. i talk to Him about what's happening in my life. but when it comes time to ask for something that i want, i have no idea what to do. because other than "please let Your will be done," it seems kind of ridiculous to ask for stuff. He has a plan for us, He already knows how my entire life is going to pan out. so what's the point in asking for anything? unless what i want happens to jive with what He wants, i doubt very much i have the influence to change His mind. after all, He knows what is best for me, even if sometimes it seems like the total opposite of what i think is best for me. and, He already knows what i want. He can read my mind. right now i'm hungry and my right knee kinda hurts. but He knows that already. what's the point in asking for food or healing?

or, on a bigger note, what's the point in asking for a child when He is already either going to provide us with one or not. do i dare ask Him to hasten the process or give me some clue as to if/when this might happen for us? i just don't think so. if He doesn't want us to have a kid until i'm 45 years old and it will happen because some orphanage is hit by an earthquake and all those kids need good homes....how am i supposed to know to anticipate and be patient for that? again and again i just wish i had a time line of my life laid out before me like in "alice in wonderland." because i truly believe that if i wasn't supposed to meet my kid until 2025, i could focus on other things until then and rest assure that it would come about at that time.

but i got some insight into this struggle on sunday at church. the message was something from Acts and i only paid attention to just a little bit of it, but what i got from it was: just shut up and listen to God.

oh.

i guess i hadn't tried that. all this time i've been wringing my hands, trying to guess what His plans might be for me. what if i just meditated and was quiet for a while? might he tell me His plan? hmmmm....

we'll see.

Happy? Maybe so.

every time i need a good cry, i watch the movie "steel magnolias." it is devastating. beautiful, sweet, funny, wonderful, but terribly sad. on average, i'd say that i watch it once a month. and have for about 10 yrs. i know every line.

and i've been wanting to get back on stage. a while back i auditioned for "annie" at a local theater and didn't get in. so i've been keeping my eyes peeled for other opportunities.

i've also been discovering, in therapy, that i need to find happiness outside of the happenings in my ovaries/uterus/cycle. i have to have more to live for. horse back riding lessons was a good diversion for a while, as is writing in my blogs.

but on sunday i rather spontaneously went on another audition. this one was for "steel magnolias" the straight play (on which the movie is based- well, really, the movie is almost line-for-line out of the play). and i got a part! a great part! one of the leads! i am overjoyed. it's a huge responsibility as the character is so vivid and dynamic and complicated. not to mention the 40 pages of script for which i have to memorize lines and blocking. but it feels so right. the character is going through things that only just this year i can relate to. i feel like, with some work, i can really understand her and make her real for people.

and i am so pleased. so excited. so challenged, stimulated. feeling like myself again a little with something huge and adventurous, scary, and wonderful to look forward to. and it has nothing to do with my luteinizing hormone. thank God. :)

Same Ol', Same Ol'

fighting through a lot of anger this week. having trouble being loving and gracious to the prego coworkers who can talk of nothing else.

and i can't help but look at them with fear and pity as they're sharing their joyous news with everyone in the building and are only 5 wks along. today when one was complaining about already feeling fat, i said that when i thought i was 8 wks, but the baby had actually died at 5, i had in fact gained weight, also. that was just mean and dumb to say, since she is at 5 wks now. she doesn't need the reminder to be worried about her pregnancy. i'm sure she's managing worry all on her own without my gory tales.

but it just came out because i am seething inside all the time and biting my lip to keep from shouting.

Lord, give me strength to indulge in these conversations and go to their baby showers and moon over their baby pictures of babies born around the time i was supposed to have mine. Lord, let me not feel left out or be bitter toward these women who are getting blessings that i want. thank You for these blessings for them. thank You for not making them suffer loss or challenges. please keep reminding me that You have a plan for me and maybe my children and that this is not a competition. i am not failing. i have not failed. i really need you to remind me of that one. please.

i am just so tired of this hurt and frustration. therapy tonight didn't ease my mind, it just made me more anxious. i'm guess sometimes tearing off the scab hurts more than it heals.

Holy Furnace, Batman

it must be very hot work, that making eggs. because my ovarian-baby-juice-making-complex is on overdrive with the clomid.

hot flashes galore! i was getting all cocky that i had gotten through this round without side effects and then BLAMMO! outside temperature is 80, inside temp is 1000.

i feel bad for all the menopausal folks out there. these hormonal changes are not for the faint of heart.

do i need to join that purple red hat club thing now?

Boy, Was It Good

this would have been an even worse day without the therapy i sustained last night. :)

it's SO good to talk about yourself for an hour and not to have to worry about anyone else's concerns. it's not being fat headed, but rather productively sharing. to hear from an expert that i'm not crazy at all, i'm just getting through grief and shock and disappointment. i will keep right on paying him to reassure me of my own sanity and strength.

he kept telling me i was still grieving and to let myself do that. instead of being fixated on the future and successful pregnancies and such, allow the bad days to be bad and the tears to come. and he told me i have a choice of how to approach the potential for bebes...either i can go forth negatively, cynically, and with fear (status quo) or i can take one day at a time and assume that at the conclusion of some number of these days we will meet our child....either way, the outcome will most probably be the same. we will achieve this goal and meet our kid. it's whether i lose myself in the process or rally and carry on.

so today i was late-ish on my period and the signs were all over the map, it seemed to me like i must either be pregnant or more broken than i knew. i took yet another negative pg test. and then i started my (better late than never, i always say) period.

and then i promptly learned of another coworker's pregnancy after only 2 months of trying...

so far, i haven't gotten too buried or desperate. i am trying to keep my head up and keep keeping on. and i'm trying to remember that this isn't a competition. and life may not necessarily feel fair, but that's not an equation i want to try to solve.

i suspect i'd end up on top anyway.

and i recognize in my more charitable moments that sometimes there's more value in not getting what you want, or in having to wait for it.

for (rather morbid) example, i would never have chosen to let my sister die, if given the chance. i would have done anything to prevent it. and it felt very unjust that i had to suffer the loss of my best little friend. but i've never regretted the person i became after being faced with her death. the perspective and wisdom and character that i couldn't have developed any other way.

now that's about as much maturity and grace as i can muster right now. i will probably casually mention to these coworkers tomorrow at work that i had sushi and wine tonight and boy, was it good.

:)

I Wrote This Today

the 33 miners who have been stuck 2300 feet underground in a small cave in chile for the past 3 wks and who were just informed this weekend that they MIGHT NOT GET OUT UNTIL CHRISTMAS TIME were described as "in good spirits."

geez. brave, brave men, i applaud you.

and i pilfered from your tragedy and wrote this poem/song about my own (totally lame in comparison) current situation and blues:


I am 2000 feet under the ground
I will dig myself out
I can dig myself out

No one can rescue me from this heat, this dark, this fear, this sadness...
But I will dig myself out
I can dig myself out.

There is no magic answer
No pill, no simple solution
I have tried them all and failed.

And so...
And so...
What about my God?
My God, what about my God?
He broke my heart
And left me without.

But I'm tired of blaming and hating and waiting
and being buried in this shit

I will dig myself out, but I don't know the way.
I'm begging for God to give me a light to follow.

I can dig myself out,
But I will only get lost or get buried again if I'm trying alone.

I can dig myself out.
No one need carry me, pull me or move me.
But I will follow His path
To get out of this pit.

I will dig myself out
I can dig myself out

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab, and I said...Ok, Fine.

so robb acts like a sedative to me and usually talks me off my peaks and valleys of hopelessness and self-loathing. it's kind of his thing. always has been. but this week we were apart and i worked insane, stressful hours all while hormonally plunging deep into the blues. what was left by this weekend was a withered little anger ball who fell asleep and woke up crying. i went to a fun lake-side gathering of good friends last night and could only stay for a short time before i couldn't force a smile anymore and had to leave to go brood alone again. meh.

i realize that this has gone too far for too long. i think i'm in a genuine depression. i have to find something else to focus on besides failing at having children. there has to be more to define me, because i am tired of this person i've become. i need an out. a break.

and all this negativity is killing me- assuming i won't, i can't, and then that there will be death. it's not healthy. and i have guilt about being an ingrate. i have everything in the world- i am not starving, i am well provided for, i am healthy, i have a great marriage, my family is good and strong and healthy, i even have a fulfilling job and great friends. that's SO MUCH MORE than most people can list. and yet i'm caught on this one thing i can't seem to get. like veruca salt, i want what i want and NOW.

and robb alone can't save me from myself. i'm going to go back to the therapist. to face down some demons of my past that are lingering...before we quit going, the doc identified that he didn't think i'd ever truly grieved for my sister's death 16 yrs ago and that, consequently, i assume everyone close to me will leave or die. this year has conveniently enhanced that belief for me. but i shouldn't find that satisfying, i should find that devastating.

so i'm going to take my broken self and go try to be fixed. this is probably something i should do now, in case i ever do have another positive pregnancy test and have to try to stay optimistic through a pregnancy.

ouch. this all hurts. and opening these wounds...maybe it will release some of the pressure, or maybe it will hurt even more. yay.

I Gotta Tell You, I Think I Am Composed of More Than Sugar, Spice, and Nice

62.1% of pregnancies would be recognized by a pregnancy test by this day and i'm negative again.

i give up. just bring on my period (AF), so we can start all this bullsh*t again next month. but this time, my clomid dose will be raised so that my hot flashes might actually kill me.

signed,

crabbymeangirlkickingsmallanimalsintheheadjustforfun.

Bummer Remix

so here i am again in the time between ovulation and a period/pregnancy. according to one of the charting systems i'm using, taking a pregnancy test at this many days out from ovulation will only result in a positive in 14.9% of pregnancies, so reason tells me i should wait. but i don't and it's negative and then i'm moping around all day. because it's pretty clear to me this means that this month is another wash.

"it could happen this month, but it won't because good things do not happen to me." this is what is being chanted through my head against my will. and other thoughts that i would vanquish if i had better self control..."well, if i have a positive pregnancy test now, i can at least stop trying for a few months before i have another miscarriage. so that will be kind of nice to have a break."

hell. i feel like the bitterangryscared is winning right now. and this is all such a mind game. i'm taking progesterone in addition to that which my body is producing naturally, so i'm having many of the symptoms of pregnancy...and even though i know it is just the drug, i can't help, like an idiot, to hold out a little hope that maybe it's 'something more.'

grrrr....moodiness is part of those symptoms i'm experiencing. can you tell? :)

Little Green Monster

so last week when i was having a break down, robb told me something like, "you have to be stronger because there's no other choice." i think at the time i was lamenting how hard this has all been and how i just want to give up and how being optimistic for future pregnancy and children just seems like a cruel joke at times....generally feeling sorry for myself and very put upon. so when he said that, it kind of pulled me up short. but he's right. basically as tough as i think i've been, there is yet more required of me before we are done and have met our child.

drag.

but actually, i found some clarity and focus in that conversation and have felt like i'm moving forward purposefully and hopefully since then.

but i keep snagging on something. i get so jealous of pregnant people and new moms and such. this is a common theme among the infertile/miscarriage group. how do you stay joyful and loving toward your friends who are successfully reproducing? almost every single one of my coworkers is currently trying to get pregnant and it is a big struggle for me when they are successful. especially if they've only been trying for a hot minute. i'm trying to just be thankful and hopeful that they won't have to experience what i have, but i can't help but think...why have i had to experience what i have? what did i do wrong?

and i now know 3 women who will have 2 children in the time i've been trying to have my first. i'm sorry, i know i should be more gracious, but that kind of just makes me want to punch a wall.

Hee.

One Thing at a Time, One Day at a Time

i'm really trying to get through one chaotic chapter of my life at a time right now. and i'm attempting not to put too much pressure on myself about "the little things" that don't involve said chapter.

it was a year ago this week that the zombie tried to kill me and ate my baby. and in a recent post i bemoaned all the sh#t that has happened in the 12 months following. can one assume that a year like that will be followed by a great year? maybe so. did job assume the same thing? (melodramatic sigh inserted here).

we're off to a hopeful start. robb had an abdominoplasty last week (following a gradual 80lb weight loss over the past 8 yrs and keeping it off for several years now by being an athletic beast) and KNOCK ON A FOREST FULL OF WOOD, things are going swimmingly so far. his pain is minimal, he's eating and voiding, he's ambulating often and looks phenomenal. all around, top notch recovery. and i will admit that i was nervous about this. a lot. but maybe things are looking up.

and so now other than one grandpa with a new lung cancer diagnosis and some pending treatment for that, things seem to be more calm. dad's election is done, robb's surgery is done, major bummer landmark dates are passed...

time to refocus on baby making. this will be my new project for a while. and i'm not sweating the extra lbs i'm carrying these days (much) as i back off of intensive training for races and i'm not getting too antsy to make a big life change (get another dog/ renovate the house/ change jobs/ move, etc) because i am optimistic that one big baby change will befall us soon enough.

so there. i am mentally healthy and relaxed and zen about it. totally. yep. indeed. i haven't cried in...well, ok, less than 48 hrs. but still! cut me a break! i am totally healthy and relaxed and zen about it TODAY. isn't that good enough? :)

I Think I May Have Missed Some of the Point of Living a Healthy Lifestyle Pre-Pregnancy

i just took my prenatal vitamin with a glass of wine.


sigh.

What a (Bleeping) Year It's Been

so, i know the play "rent" is a bit over the top and ridiculous and deserves being poked at and parodied (hysterically) by the southpark guys in "team america," but the main song is very catchy. like a virus. (oh no she didn't...but she did! she totally did!).

this song, "seasons of love" conveys the length of a given year in not only seasons or months, weeks, or days, but in minutes. five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, to be exact.

in so many ways, that many minutes flies by. a year is nothing in a lifetime! on the other hand, when there are hard times in that year, they can accumulate and it can seem like an arduous, impossibly long amount of time.

so, all that being said...since last august, one year ago, the following has occurred...

i was hospitalized for a week with a long recovery thereafter. i've had 2 miscarriages- one at 11 wks gestation, one at 6. one grandpa was diagnosed and treated for colon cancer with a long recovery and complications thereafter. the other grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer and we're still waiting to get a plan. my dad blew out a disk and had back surgery with a long recovery and complications thereafter. my one grandma had to have shoulder surgery. the same previously mentioned dad ran for (cool!) and lost (bummer!) a US congressional seat in a very intense and heated battle.

all that! one year! crazy. so we can look at this huge pile of stress and wonder just how we survived all those 500 hundred thousand some odd moments this year.

on the other hand, we've had many blessings mixed in there as well. not the least being that strife brings people together. i've never felt as close to some of my family. everyone bands together so well, bringing their own unique strengths and skills. it's really neat to see. i heart them.

and these survivors in my family. all of us, i guess, in our own ways. we inspire me. good job, us! :)

and THANK YOU, GOD. we are all together and mostly healed and filled with love and grace. so much thanks.

...so, i wonder what the next year will hold?! you'll have to keep reading, i guess. :)

TomKat Completely Ripped Off My Name

how are things going lately in the world of sarah/robb, you ask? (i wish we had a cool moniker like "sarb" or "robbah." please commence using those).

things are pretty good. we've both been really turning to God lately and i'm finding some peace and even maybe some (gasp! what?) patience in Him.

(on kind of a side note, we went to a great conference today on homosexuality and the Christian church and the conflict betwixt them and it was wonderful- check out the organization, The Gay Christian Network, if you're curious. like curious, curious, or just curious. either way). :)

i am typically loath to read the bible because i find it a) confusing, b) boring, and c) there's some stuff in there that i don't like and have trouble jiving that stuff with the God that i very much love..but i've been feeling compelled to get into it lately.

so my formal bible study is going through the book of genesis. i don't remember exactly why we chose it, but it seemed like a good place to start. (i jest). no, actually, when we were reading hebrews last year, there were many references to genesis and although we feel we know the stories, none of us had actually ever read the whole book, so...here we are.

anyway....fertility issues are RAMPANT in this part of the bible. fascinating how much time is spent on the subject when, at the time it was written, women were muy non importante. and it's not just like, "so-and-so failed to beget her husband a son, so she will be shamed/stoned now," it's actually compassionate and loving toward these women and their plights.

and some of their plights took so darn long!! i mean take sarah, my name sake (previously "sarai"...the name is also morphed sometimes into "suri," ahem...), she and her husband, abraham had been trying to conceive for many, many years when God promised them that they would have a child. she was 65 y/o at that time. it took until she was 90 for this to come true. but it did! at 90! put all the issues aside of carrying and delivering a baby when you're 90 years old and the fact that people lived until 200 at that time, etc, etc. what i most recognize from this is that SHE WAITED FRIGGIN' 25 YEARS. but then they had their little isaac and all was (mostly, for a while anyway) well.

so, seriously...for us it's been 19 months of trying. i can chillax a bit. :)

The Reckoning

i've been thinking a lot about my illness and miscarriage last august and the impact it has had on me. that and the subsequent loss have left a mark on me i'm afraid i can't erase.

regarding the illness. i was in the hospital for 1 full week...which, if you consider it, is pretty drastic. i mean, people have babies and are out the next day or have heart attacks and massive open heart surgery and might stay a week. there are days in that week that i'm still missing. for a long time afterward, i would get these weird 'flashbacks' of moments i don't ever really remember happening. i'm sure some of that was the drugs they had me on. and the high fevers messing with my brain. the thing that might freak me out most of all is i know there were 2 or 3 days in there where i did literally nothing. dark, quiet room. no tv, no reading, no cell phone. just lied there and hurt and shook with chills. i'm a total busy junky who usually has my laptop, cell phone and tv going at the same time, so the idea of utter silence and being so preoccupied with fighting whatever it was that had hold of me that i didn't have the resources to do anything else- weird.

if you're curious about the whole sordid tale, read below. i wrote this email to a doctor friend of mine a few weeks after i got out of the hospital. it's a summary of everything that happened. what a thankful, positive attitude i had at the time. hmmm...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's been a crazy couple of weeks. i was on vacation 2 weeks ago and wednesday of that week ( Aug 12th) i started a temp. i was also 11 weeks pregnant (we had only just started telling family and friends that week- of course) and so went to the ER because it was up to 103 or something and wouldn't come down w/ tylenol. everything was well, they said it was a virus and they sent me home. so it persisted and i started getting a cough and stuff, but mostly just bad chills/sweats. fever went up to 105 on sunday (aug 16th) despite around the clock tylenol, cold baths, ice packs,etc. so i was admitted to royal oak beaumont and they had me in there until this past saturday (aug 22). they ran every test in the book (including an LP for meningitis) for everything from funky viruses to weird bacterial infections (lyme disease, dengue fever, etc) to HIV and cancers and lupus and never found anything relevant. i had ID, hemo/onc, ob/gyn, high risk MFM, and IM following me. my fevers lasted for days at that high temp (up to 106F for parts of several days) despite all measures. and my blood counts got all wacky- pancytopenia- went down to WBC of 2.6 and platelets of 16- had to get 6 units of platelets over 2 days. with all the fluid, i ended up in CHF and had to be diuresed. good times. also, my LFT's got really high and are only now slowly crawling down.

and in the process of all this, i miscarried (tues, aug 18th). it was devastating, but also a relief since i can't believe the baby wouldn't have had major long-term effects of the high temps and whatever pathogen it was i was dealing with, and also because i immediately started feeling way better after i lost it. so they didn't have to do a D & C, but instead gave me misoprostol, which caused another spiked temp, chills, and my vitals went nuts. so once we got all that under control, i was d/c'd last saturday (aug 22) and have been home since, recovering.

they're reassuring me that it wasn't an autoimmune response to pregnancy or prostaglandins or anything, but the IM team did look into HELLP syndrome. since i was so early, and because it was never true hemolysis, the OB's ruled that out. but still weird that sx's and labs got better post miscarriage and worse post misoprostol dose.

so...anyway....it's been eventful and very scary, but man did i feel God holding me up- even keeping me lucid enough to advocate for my own health and explain what was happening to my family. my family and robb and his brother were incredible through this. and my coworkers stepped in like family members, too. i am so insanely blessed. i can't get over it.

physically- i'm getting stronger, better stamina every day. taking stairs, making myself walk. and we're doing ok, emotionally. we had been trying to conceive just for 7 months, and i know "the important thing is i can get pregnant." but i don't know if/when i'll be ready to try again. not ready to think about it yet, i guess.

The Interwebs Are Making Me Blue

so i can't figure out my completely wackadoo cycle this month, so what do i do? i turn to the fertility forums on-line. big mistake. so much doom and gloom! a bunch of anxious, hormonal women with internet access! i'm sure there's good info to be found, but there's so much fear and crazy abbreviations to wade through.

for example, if i were to post my own personal woes story, i would say that i am...

Post 2 IUFD's (5wk6d, 11wks) and POC's resolved by Misoprostol. Before and since, have had multiple cycles with AO. Had BW done and APA, etc all neg. Used 50mg Clomid to conceive last time and got a BFP, so hopeful this time. I am C# 2 post MC and again used 50mg Clomid CD 3-7. Have been checking BBT, CM and OPK and having lots of BMS and it appears OV happened on CD 27. Can that be right? Now what?


isn't that nuts? i totally need a translator open the whole time i'm reading them. grrrr.

Another Month Wasted. No Baby for April, 2011.

that's how i think. in numbers all the time.

day i'm on of my cycle (25). due date if got pregnant this cycle (april 6) . time passed since last pregnancy loss (2 months). time we've been trying to have a child (19 months). how old my first baby should be right now (5 months). turning 30 in october (28th). turning 30 in october (oh, shit).

so aware that through some fault of our own, we are going to be old parents by the time this actually happens. it will be 2 years trying in january. in just a few weeks it will be the 1 yr anniversary of the zombie eating my first baby.

and where am i today? salty taste from the clomid. day 25 and no ovulation this month.

broken and sad. that's where i am.

Seeking Advice

how do you think positively when all your experiences teach you to expect the worst?

how do you hold out (that evil word) hope?

how do you know how much you can handle and if it's worth continuing to fight and hurt?

anyone have any answers to these questions?

how about, "where do babies come from?" i'm still trying to figure that one out.

:)

5 Babies Have Died From Whooping Cough in California...If Only We Could Have Prevented this Tragedy

tetanus (vaccine= DTap) polio (vaccine= IPV) pertussis (vaccine= DTap)


this just pisses me off.

living in fear and making dumb decisions out of ignorance. how many times do we have to explain that vaccines have not been shown to be linked with autism? and yet people are still not vaccinating their kids. how many ways do the folks associated with the original publication have to rescind their opinion and demonstrate that further studies don't back up the link? how many kids have to be maimed or killed from these awful (SHOULD BE ERADICATED) illnesses? what is wrong with people??

my fear for the kids in our country is this: as long as only small pockets of people aren't inoculating their kids, those kids should be safe, since the rest of the country is covered and won't spread the diseases around...BUT, if this community of un-vaccinated kids gets bigger and, if in our well- traveled, global community, they are exposed to kids from other parts of the un-vaccinated world, these nasty bugs will be shared among friends and we will have epidemics and lots of childhood death here. that were preventable. big kids might just get sick or end up with disabilities. but babies die. and all that sucks. and is preventable.

please read this article from cnn last week. it covers the whole vaccine scare controversy and there's some interesting added juice about how the spear-head MD from the original article that started everything was working for a competing vaccine company and was in it for greed, etc, etc.

the doc i scrubbed with today spent some time doing medical missions in africa and saw the damage that things like polio and measles and tetanus can cause. he said the middle bottom tooth of all the adults is removed so that WHEN they get lockjaw from tetanus, they can still get food and water through the gap. that is how prevalent/expected/normal it is there. this MD has been practicing in the US for 20 yrs and has NEVER seen a case here. we do not expect it. because we have forced it out of our community with vaccines. this generation has no idea what these deadly and mangling illnesses look like. check them out above. not pretty. and those are only a few of them.

please get your kids caught up with their vaccines. for their sake and for that of their friends, family members, classmates, neighbors, and, most importantly, my future children. :)

at the very least keep reading and asking questions about it. check your sources when you're reading "compelling evidence" against vaccines. here is the current cdc recommended vaccine schedule. it's big and complicated. you can also just go see your pediatrician. and i am happy to help find any info you need or do any research to answer questions/discuss these issues.

Left Behind

i spent all weekend with my wonderful family and we had a glorious time. playing in rivers and lakes and hiking and eating and gallivanting around northern michigan. i especially liked the gallivanting and the eating.

between all my cousins' kids there were 6 kids between the ages of 1 and 9 and we had a ball with them. all very sweet, fun, and gorgeous (this is my completely objective and unbiased take on my baby kin).

and bless those cousins who are out getting advanced degrees and waiting like me to start hatching so that i am not The only childless one. it is comforting that the next batch of youngins will be closer to my kids' ages and i have to keep reminding myself of that...because i am feeling so far behind my already hatched cousins. they will have middle schoolers by the time my kids can talk! what the what!

it's kind of a bummer because i grew up close (age, geographically, and socially) to my cousins on both sides of the fam and my kids won't have the same experience with all their cousins. i guess we've all made different decisions/taken different paths and this is the natural consequence. ah well. i will have pre-ordered babysitters.

not too big a deal, just kind of bummed me out a little during my eating and gallivanting.

My Genes Make My Butt Look Great

well, i got a clean bill of health from my blood test campaign for post-miscarriages, shall-we-or-shan't-we attempt another pregnancy probing thing.

my genes were pretty clean, except that on a few of my little chromosomes, instead of having a normal XY, i had dropped or added X's. they said this was typical for someone of my age. my vintage. my stage of decrepitude. they said all that. or, if they didn't say it, they certainly were thinking it. :) but not to worry from that aspect. i have no higher miscarriage risk because of my particular DNA. so that's good.

also, i requested i get tested for clotting disorders and some connective tissue disorders and all that stuff came back negative, too. so that's also good.

it appears that there is nothing concrete that has caused these past miscarriages and no reason to assume there will be a high risk of having more of them.

so there's relief in this. doesn't mean i'm ready to get back up on that pogo stick yet, but there is relief. :)

Sunlight After the Storm

so the last few weeks were pretty rough between robb and me. i was punishing me. and him. and by way of him, me again. i kept wavering between wanting to hurt him and wanting to pull him in to cover me like a blanket. very confusing. and costly. he's extremely tough and can take it for the most part, but it has to wear a body out.

and it's bothered me that the miscarriage impacts him very differently than it has impacted me. where this sort of stopped me in my tracks and wrecked me for a while, he was sad and was worried for me, but seems to have mostly moved on. that's been hard for me to reconcile since i want to be in sync with him on everything, especially such important things. and i think i'm jealous that this...all of it...the trying, the carrying, the failing...doesn't consume him like it does me. it couldn't possibly. it's my body. my cycle. my blood. he's been right there, very supportive and loving, and on occasion unfortunately even having to deal with the messy stuff...but it's different for him. and that's hard for me.

so all this gets gobbed together and the house was a mess since my funny eastern european cleaning lady is on hiatus and...we had one big yelly screamy fight last tuesday. we purged a lot of demons, but it was not much fun.

gratefully, on wednesday we were leaving for a weekend up north, so we had lots of alone time to sift through all of it. in the 4 hrs in the car we debriefed about the fight and put all the issues out there, honest and brutal, and had to work through it. and all weekend it was mostly just the two of us, so we just talked and talked and talked, went bike riding and giggling all over mackinac island, took long walks through the woods, shopped and ate, visited family a little, and slept a lot. and by the end of it, we were us again. which is wonderful.

i don't underestimate the toll infertility and pregnancy loss can have on couples. according to an article in USA Today this April, "For miscarriage...the likelihood of breaking up is 22% higher than for couples who have a successful pregnancy. " this rate goes up to 40% for couples who lived through a stillbirth. it's a good article. i recommend it. talks about how males/females face this loss differently and how it can pull couples apart if not careful.

Fertility Miracles in Geriatrics

so, i know i've been bemoaning the fact that i'm almost 30 and all my little eggs have hatched and my fertility chances are going down every year, nay, every moment!! but....in the news we are hearing all the time about 40-50 year old women getting pregnant. at conception, we have kelly preson (47), holly hunter (47), susan sarandon (46), beverly d'angelo (49), geena davis (48), etc, etc.

you have to presume that they used fertility help, but still. miracle, right!?

but can it ever be pushed too far? what's the age upper limit that's acceptable? an article today discusses a case in india of a 66 y/o mother of preemie triplets after IVF (a donor egg and her 70 y/o hubbie's sperm). her doc sees nothing wrong with it and has successfully impregnated a 70 y/o woman with the same method. so we're looking at the risks for mom and babe at that stage in life and the projected life span of the parents (63.7 in india), among other issues.

here is the article. it's very interesting. read and post comments to discuss.

But Some People Can Be So Kind

most people i know seem to have forgotten my recent loss or are retiscent to bring it up. i understand why. it's sad and unpleasant and awkward to know what to say. every day at work i'm party to many happy conversations among and about pregnant women and few recognize that i was recently one of them.

but yesterday, we were scrubbed and starting a case and the doctor started cracking jokes about the scrub tech, who is 12 wks pregnant right now (and due within a few days of my due date). before she responded, she grabbed my hand and asked, "are you ok if we talk about this? because we can change the subject. i know it must be hard."

it was such a relief, i almost cried. and since she'd addressed it, the conversation didn't bother me as much after that. i will always remember that she was so thoughtful.

sometimes it just takes that.

Might As Well Eat Some Worms

the theme this last week has been self-destruction. self-loathing. and i give you one guess as to who is winning the blame game right now. correct. me.

although my laser-like focus of hate and blame aimed at myself sometimes bounces off and hits the people closest to me...usually robb. poor guy. this weekend alone he's gotten everything from screaming to stony silence to lots and lots of tears. i make radical pronouncements all the time like, "you'd be better off finding another wife who can successfully have children with you. i wouldn't hold it against you" ( i totally would) to "i don't even want children anymore. let's just get fixed so we can stop worrying about all this." (i totally do).

i thought i had this internal war thing thing solved by working all the time. i worked 90 hrs of call last pay period and kept myself in this ragged, exhausted, survival-only status where i couldn't focus too much on anything. it didn't work very effectively. i just ended up crabby and mean and didn't make nearly as much $$ as i would have liked. and as soon as i'd slept off the fatigue, it all came back to me.

and i've been drinking a lot (when not on call). and this is part to blame for my increasing waist line. you'd think once the pregnancy hormones and cravings had died, my weight would come back down. or at least i'd be disciplined enough to stop eating garbage. but not so much. i think i've been finding comfort in food. and certainly booze. but none of my clothes are fitting and this is getting ridiculous. so i'm putting myself on a fruit juice/veg broth fast for at least 3 days. maybe more. and strictly no alcohol. clearly booze is not helping. after all, it is a depressant. part of this extreme diet restriction is again, punishment. sticking with the theme. trying to hurt myself for all the hurt i've caused me. (does that make any sense?). but part of it is wanting to get control over my body and do something loving and healthy for it. we've fasted often in the past for health/spiritual reasons, and we always do it very cautiously.

i would like to be exercising more, too. i tried to run this morning but am having such breast tenderness, i couldn't handle it and just walked briskly for a few miles. so, as with all things with trying to get/stay pregnant, this is a mystery. why, 3 wks after a miscarriage when i presumably bled out all the tissue that would be spiking my hormones, am i suddenly having breast soreness again? could it be phantom pain? going along with the dream i had AGAIN about breast feeding 2 nights ago? is it in my head? or am i PMS'ing? or do i still have retained tissue and need to address that? f**k if i know.

and i went to a reproductive genetic counselor this morning. it is possibly, since i have a sister with Down Syndrome, that i'm carrying a mutating gene and that is why i have been and might continue to miscarry. we're looking into that now...not because i want to avoid having a child with Down's, but because some 50% of those fetuses never make it to birth, and i DO want to avoid having further miscarriages. if i'm negative and robb's negative for chromosomal abnormalities, then maybe we look at autoimmune or other reasons why i'm not hearty enough to complete a pregnancy. or, we just try again in the future and hope for the best, taking precautions to attempt to maintain the pregnancy.

the "future" is an undetermined time for me right now. i have zero desire to be pregnant now, or in the foreseeable future. so we're sitting on it for now. this fall, we'll re-assess and decide if i we are prepared to give it another go or if i will take some more time off. meanwhile, we are considering adoption. that is becoming more and more appealing to me. but i'm clearly in no mental state to pursue anything right now.

so, all that being said... i want this blog to be a transparent look into my psyche and process. so i know i'm a total downer and i'm so sorry if i'm hurting instead of helping anyone out there. but these are my thoughts and feelings to date. this is what i'm dealing with.

they say time heals all wounds. and i know that's true. maybe in 6 months i will be 100% recovered from this trauma. all my anger will be gone, i will be good with God, and i can reflect back on it like a struggle i survived. but meanwhile, i have to live out each day of that "time." each minute. each hour. each visit with pregnant friends where all they talk about is the trials of pregnancy. live through each of my own due dates and would-be mile stones. the awareness that i should have a 3 month old right now. or at the very least, be celebrating getting out of my 1st trimester of pregnancy on attempt #2.

hurry up, time. get on with it.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

so, my mom says i need to do the oprah thing and focus on the things i love most in life. here's my list.








my family. i have the most beautiful little sisters and amazing parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and in-laws. my robb. exercising and pushing myself 'til it hurts. i also have incredible friends who i could fill pages and pages with pics, but will just represent them all with muppets, since that seems appropriate. i also like the muppets. vacations to tropical places and movies about vacations. movies that make me laugh. or cry. or think. i really like movies. yoga. i like it and wish i did more of it. that's pretty much exactly what i look like when i'm doing it. i like theater. especially performing, singing live. i like making people laugh. my all time favorite play ever is "cabaret." and before she got all creepy and sad, liza minnelli was a force to behold (sorry about the pic that makes it look like her lady parts are in jail). i wish to some day play the hell out of the role of 'sally bowles.' horse back riding. i have recently started back doing that and am loving it. john cusack and his brooding eyebrows. and pretty much every movie he's ever been in, with a few expceptions (you know who you are, "serendipity"). chocolate. i really like chocolate. and i think i'd like a bath of chocolate, even though you just KNOW it would get all up in it and such. and God. i truly love God. i didn't really have a good pic of Him, so i thought george burns would do. i also like george burns. i didn't include my like of nature in any of this, but i like that alright, too. and my dog. ok. i'll add a picture of my dog so she doesn't feel left out.


ah, shucks.

Bethany Christian Services 5k Run/Walk- Let's Do It!

let's donate some money and time to this organization that has been and continues to be such a life-giver to so many wonderful people. most of the folks i know who have adopted/are adopting have gone through Bethany. families are made, all they're asking from us is a small donation and 3.1 mls. :)

details...

when: Saturday, July 10 at 8:30am
where: Delia Park, Sterling Heights
cost: $20
website/registration: go here
****Not sure if strollers or dogs are allowed, have to contact them to find out


i am thinking i'll do it, let me know if you're interested and we can coordinate.

So Tired of the Tears

crying behind a surgical mask is messy business because then you have snot, but you can't wipe it because you're sterile and can't touch your face, and then you're lame because you're crying at work...all around not ideal.

and tonight robb once again told me that "we're going to be ok."so all i can do is trust. and i think i'm all cried out for now. on to the next step, i guess.

Considering My Options

the way i see it, i have no control over if/when i get pregnant again and then, if i do- if i'll actually ever achieve a child out of a pregnancy. i mean, i can take steps for fertility and all, but getting pregnant and staying pregnant are clearly challenges for me. i guess i look at it like i do wedding engagement. a long time ago, after seeing a lot of engaged couples split up between the first and second rings, i decided that engagement doesn't mean anything until the wedding actually happens, so don't get too excited if a diamond gets tossed around...now i see pregnancy the same way. i'm not buying it until there's a birth certificate/marriage license.

the only thing i can control is that i can stop trying. and i'm considering doing that. not permanently, but for a year or two. go back on the pill and STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

this is only a partially hatched plan and isn't entirely endorsed by the one i love...and maybe (is probably) coming from an angry, emotional place, but anyway, here i go with the pros/cons:

pros- i can get rid of my mom-mobile station wagon and buy a sports car. we can pour a bunch of money into the house and vacations (Spain!? Italy?!) and pay off my loans. i can get my body back and stop looking like a pregnant woman when i am not one. and i want a break from taking these crazy hormone trips. i can stop feeling like my whole life is "pending" pregnancy and children and just live for a minute. while we wait, we can really reflect on our desire for natural vs adopted children and maybe make a more clear-headed decision. right now, i think i feel like i've been beaten and i need to conquer this thing that i can't seem to get right. not a real good reason to insist on having our own natural children instead of reaching out for kids already in need. i have a clipping in my wallet of an organization that handles international adoption for kids with Down Syndrome. maybe our calling lies there and not in my crappy graveyard of a uterus.

cons- i will be in my early 30's for my first child, if all goes well, and my mid-late for my second child, again if all goes well. although robb and i are in good health and all, and i think we'll stay young for a long time, i don't necessarily want to be the oldest parents in my kids' classes. plus, i'm pretty entrenched in this baby-making thing. i'm not even sure i can pull up now. and literally all of my friends are trying to have kids right now...so i'm not sure i'm ok with all of them having their first, maybe second children while i sit on my none. for years, as my peers started having kids, it didn't bother me much because we had decided to wait, but now being on a sort of forced wait might make baby showers for people i love pretty miserable. i don't want to put myself on hold if i'm just going to be bitter the whole time. i want to make it a choice. a commitment. find peace in it. and, of course, the clock ticks on, so each year, hell, each month, i wait makes it harder and harder for me to get pregnant and increases my likelihood for miscarriages and birth defects. joyful.

so that's the mental space i'm in right now. not a real charming environment. i also have to continue telling people at work about the miscarriage, since apparently (first time ever) gossip didn't spread far enough fast enough. and when they 'put their foot in their mouth' and ask how my pregnancy is progressing or congratulate me, i feel like i have to scramble to make them feel better. which sucks.

Surviving.. Strong...but Still Kinda Pissed Off

i can't decide which hates me more, my body or my God.
this feeling of emptiness
of bleeding someone else's blood
someone i was supposed to take care of
to provide a sanctuary
but instead
oh no
but instead
death and not life
seems like death is always my answer
in a time of year when everything grows and thrives
hard not to compare my barren self and lifelessness

and yet these dark thoughts are always followed closely by...
where is my gratitude?
this life, so charmed and charming
what right have i to complain?
so much good i've stumbled on
there is reason for gladness
and so i balance between
hearts and thorns,
vinegar and sugar.
i try my best.
i really am.


and all my people have been wonderful- between care package extraordinaire from my angel friends M & J, to lots of wine and flowers from my girls, to cookie bouquet and chocolate and hugs from my like-family coworkers, and wonderfully insightful and loving card from my in-laws....people have been amazing.

i feel like i'm drawing from the sympathy well a little too often this year, since it was just last august that flowers and hugs and food and love were pouring in when i was sick/miscarrying then.

but i swear i'll share my wine and sweets if you come to visit. but you'd better come soon. :)

Day 2- Domaine Mas du Bouquet Cotes Du Rhone 2008

so going back to work today and operating on someone to take the cancer out of their belly has me realizing (duh) that the world is moving on and that my problems aren't really so insurmountable. despite my idle threats to harm myself in increasingly dramatic and unrealistic ways (shark attack, robots vs wrestlers, dueling trains), you will find no suicide notes from me (Dear Cruel World, I am leaving you now to go be with Patrick Swayze. You understand. Love, Sarah).

tears and anger continue, but it's turning a little less desperate and a little more melancholy. and i always know things are turning in the right direction when i picture whatever dramatic crying fit i'm throwing as a scene in my movie. if fake cameras in my head are rolling, things are looking up.

two really cool articles i found yesterday i want to share with you.

remember back when i was talking about how much more acceptable the ideas of miscarriages and infertility are getting in the world of film and movies? and my favorite example (YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT) is the movie "Away We Go?" well, here's some discussion on the scene where the husband (chris messina) discusses the wife's (melanie lynskey) reaction to her 5th loss...while she pole dances with her clothes on. amazing, poignant scene.

and this is a review about a book called "motherhood lost" written by a feminist anthropologist about what bearing and losing children has meant over time in different cultures and how viewing it as a fetus politically doesn't entirely work when it's your own fetus you're losing, etc. the critique is really well written and i look forward to reading the book.

Take My Pound of Flesh, Please! (Really You Can Have All 8)

so, this morning i'm teary and angry. the anger has many sides, but the big ones right now are:

a- i was totally duped into thinking i was pregnant for almost a month after i wasn't. i feel like an idiot. or a crazy person. like i was making up all those symptoms. and did i will myself to not bleed because i was so convinced things were progressing along? that one seems kind of likely because as soon as i found out the baby had died, i started gushing blood and clots.

b- i am also angry that i told everyone i was pregnant- all gleeful and celebratory, now i'm having to come back, tail between my legs, to tell them it was a false alarm. and it means i'm dragging everyone i know through this shit with me. i think i was wrong to do that and if we try this again, i think i'll keep it under my hat until i'm crowning.

c- and i'm angry that i dared to hope. i was so certain that things were going smoothly and that God had my back on this one, i stopped taking my temp as soon as i found out i was pregnant. had i continued, it would have started falling and i would have known a lot sooner that things had stopped in there. instead, i just went on my merry way, eating and laughing and accepting congratulations and baby outfits from everyone. and eating.

d- i have gained 8 lbs of fake baby weight. this last weekend i actually looked like i had a bit of a baby bump, which is nuts, cuz at best i would have been only 9 wks....now i know it was a swollen uterus full of blood that was pouching me out. but my love handles and fat face prove there's more than just blood and water weight. i was eating with abandon, like i had something in me to support. and i swear i felt famished all the time. i think the hormones were still raging, like my body/mind hadn't quite agreed that their was death and not life in there and had continued begging me to feed it. so now i am round without anything to show for it. so i ran this morning and i'm now on weight watchers strictly. i'm not messing around- if i can't have a body that supports babies, the least i can do is have a babe's body.

somewhere under all these layers of anger and self-loathing, i am also aware of the blessing it was to be able to carry life in me, even for a little while- and twice! it's exciting and amazing and something i'll always remember, even if that's where it ends.

Sad Monday

so last night i had this dream that i was breast feeding. and it was totally vivid and amazing. i even included some specific details and frustrations like how one side worked better than the other, having to find places to hide to nurse in public, etc. i woke up smiling, feeling so certain that this was my truth, my near future.

and then this morning i started spotting, so i went to my OB this afternoon and the ultrasound revealed that, although i thougt i was at about 9 wks gestation, my baby had stopped growing at 5 wks and 6 days. there was no heart beat and it was much tinier than it should have been if growing all this time. this was pretty obvious pretty quickly. despite all the symptoms i've been having (sore boobs, constant peeing, starvation= 10 lb weight gain), i've been not pregnant for about a month now, just carrying on like a hormonal sucker as if i was. sigh.

and now i'm real bleeding. and real cramping. my OB says i won't need a D & C, but will just bleed out all the tissue on my own. and then, if we're up for it, we take a month off to let my uterus shed out all the bad juju and then can take clomid again to get the party re-started the next month.

not sure where we stand on that just yet. i am swinging every five minutes from "can't do this again, clearly body not meant to carry babies to term, better adopt" to "other people have had healthy kids after multiple miscarriages, this is just a fluke thing, don't be a pansy."

one thing i have no doubt about, though, is that i am going to have a child. not sure when or by what means, but i see him. i know he exists. and i still want to meet him.

after the doctor's office, robb and i came home and cried for a while and then we jumped on our bikes and road to get funny movies at the video store, then rode to get sushi. because i can. now we're home drinking wine. because i can.

and on the way home, we passed a mother walking with her toddler son. the sun was in my eyes and so i could really only make out the general outline of the child and hear his little voice. but i knew he was there. i guess that's how i'm feeling about my child right now. he's not in my belly. he's not imminent, but i can see him in the distance. he's fuzzy but you can't miss him.