it's been a looooong 5 wks as i wait for my next ultrasound. but it's this coming monday (29th) in the morning.
i can't help but be afraid. i think i'm bracing myself for bad news. and at this stage, bad news would mean surgery to expel the bad news. these are the dark thoughts i'm trying to fight off.
and yet i'm still having all kinds of symptoms (nausea, food aversions, cravings, fatigue, dizziness), so i hope those are confirming good news. they are, right? right?
i hope that if all is well at monday's appt, i can relax a bit. i will officially be several weeks past where i've gotten in prior pregnancies, and that is wonderful.
please pray. i'm having trouble doing that because i still seem to see prayer as some sort of fortune cookie. like i can ask the cookie for what i want, but my destiny is already pre-printed on a little slip of paper on the inside, so how can i persuade God to change the path he already knows my life will be taking? begging for health last pregnancy didn't do squat. if you have any suggestions on this, i'd love to hear them. i'm feeling ungrateful and awful but i can't seem to adjust my thinking. sorry, God. i'm trying.
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