I Made It 6 Weeks with 2 Kids and Have Exactly 4 Remaining Wits Left

henry went back to daycare this week. and he will go 3 days/week for the remaining time that i'm off.

it was time. lawd almighty, it was time.

we had both started pacing and twitching, being stuck in the house all the time. toward the end, we spent most days staring tensely at each other like chickens squaring off on opposite ends of a chicken-fight ring? arena? field? anyway. eyes would have been plucked out had we continued like that.

but now we're back to harmony and love. i'm so much more patient with him when we have limited hours together. and he seems to listen better. (except at blerging gymnastics on tuesdays. something about the smell of chalk and feet make him feisty and me irritable. we're working on it. it's only once/week. but if i'm missing, check the bottom of the block pit where i might be hiding and sucking my thumb).

i had some guilt and anxiety that he would feel neglected or something, going to school while anna and i stayed home and canoodled, but he did great! the first morning out the door with robb on his way to school we got, "ok! bye, mommy! bye, anna! have a good day!" and he's been fine with drop-offs and pick-ups. like he never left. i think it was just as much a relief for him to get back to his friends and teachers and routine as it is for me to have him back there.

honestly, though, greater was my anxiety for the poor daycare providers. i was so afraid that he would be a wreck going back because his routine has been so scrambled for the last 6 weeks. i was afraid they would uninvite him back after they'd seen the damage i caused him by parenting him for 6 weeks by myself.

i was convinced he'd gone feral, eating with his hands, literally barking at me sometimes and baring his teeth like wild monkey-beast. only not shitting in the corner and flinging his poo at me because he hasn't figured out how to unbutton his jeans yet.

but, naturally, he did just fine. for his teacher he listens and obeys and more-or-less acts like a civilized member of society. (universal truth? kids beast out for their parents and demonstrate hidden politeness and decency for other people?).

and i've had beautiful, quiet, productive days home 'alone' since then.

it's funny, because i remember when i was on maternity with henry thinking that i was super busy and stressed and stuff. house went unclean, i went unshowered. but i had NO IDEA how easy it is to have one. no idea! now, i'm showered, house is pretty put together, and i'm taking time out for some me time. i'm just better at it.

plus, anna is a very easy-going, happy baby! that certainly helps. knock wood and praise God!

i've heard that you should really have your 2nd kid first. :) and it's so true. i'm a much more relaxed, easy-going mom now because i have a clue what i'm doing. i know what's normal and what to worry about. i know how to stop a baby from crying and if i can't always get to the crying in an urgent fashion, eh, she'll be fine! i never felt that way with henry. it's very liberating. and i have all the supplies i need and know how to use them. pumping, swaddling, etc- all easier because i know how to use the stuff.

plus, i'm a better, happier person than i was 2 1/2 yrs ago when henry was born (for many reasons- not least because of him). more able to celebrate my joys and release my worries. so all of this is easier and more fun for me.

having made it to 6 weeks also means i get to start exercising again and can start making with the love.

i haven't run yet because right now outside it's "9 degrees but feels like -5" which is like saying "it's root canals of all your teeth but feels like root canals of all your teeth while the dentist also steps on your toes."

but we did attempt a little loving. it was not bad! not bad at all! (just what all dudes want to hear, right?). i haven't totally forgotten how to do it. i guess it was like riding a bike...if you kind of roll off the sidewalk once in a while and in trying to regain your balance, you lose a sandal fumbling with your pedal and have to turn around to go get it. and then your helmet falls in your eyes and.... we'll keep working on it until we get it right again.

anyway! feeling blessed around these parts. hope you all are feeling the same in your corners.

Crap, I Have to Get Un-Fat All Over Again

so, i'm moving toward considering thinking about possibly making a commitment to a mutual understanding with my ass that it's time to lose some weight.

i'll give the caveat that i actually didn't gain that much weight this pregnancy and i actually look pretty good for having had a baby a month ago. i will acknowledge all of that before also noting that i can only wear my fattest fat pants and i have a ways to go until i'm at my ideal weight again.

next week i have my 6 wk postpartum visit and will be cleared to exercise (and stuff, nudgenudgewinkwink). 

i'm excited to get back into a routine and to see my body again under all this winter fluff, but it's just going to be a lot of work.

the initiation is the worst part. once i'm in a routine, not a big deal. but ugh the first part.

i thought i could start lightly. i joined 'MyFitnessPal' where you log everything you eat throughout the day and count how many calories you burn with exercise and see if you move along a trajectory toward weight loss. very user-friendly, can do it on my phone while nursing. no big deal. BUT...i lose focus after breakfast. or more like, i'll happily log my 1 gluten-free waffle and a banana! but then when i'm shoveling handfuls of chocolate chips from the bag and then finishing everything off of henry's plate (YOU GONNA EAT THAT?), i get embarrassed and stop attempting to keep track, knowing that the program will either show i'm eating the accurate 10,000,000,000 calories a day or it'll show a big fat lie and it'll know that i'm a loser.

sometimes i make vows to myself.

what they sound like is: "ok, self! today you're going to be good and just eat healthy things in reasonable quantities. if you're hungry, that's fine! eat! just do it reasonably. and lay off nuts for a while because maybe it's causing your baby to reflux all over the place."

what they look like is: 7 minutes later, me standing at the kitchen counter eating a cup of creamy coconut and peanut spread off the back of a spoon and making way inappropriate noises as i snarf it up. maybe some fell on the counter. maybe i licked it straight off the counter top. what's it to you?

(this stuff is so insanely good i can't even tell you the crimes i would commit to get my hands on this shit. srsly)


....anywho...i have a ways to go. i signed up for a 10k running race in may. having a deadline does help. but i have a few friends doing the race, so worse case scenario, i make one of them pull me in a wagon.

ANNAmal is 1 Month Old!

"i've never been overpowered by a 1 month old!" said our pediatrician this morning at anna's well visit when the MD was trying to test anna's hip strength and anna was fighting her tooth and nail.

she's one tough little beefcake.

i love it. #girlpower or some such.

she's 90th % for both height and weight (now 11 lbs 2 oz, 22 1/4" long). she's gained about 3 lbs in 2 weeks. apparently i have soft serve instead of breast milk up in there.

all is well, she's right on track. zantac to start for her fussy tummy and, between that and a raging diaper rash i'm having trouble gaining control of, we might be looking at some food allergies. i already don't do dairy, so the other common culprits for newborn irritation through the mom are berries, soy and nuts. berries i can live without, but as a mostly vegetarian, soy and nuts are kind of my meat and potatoes, if you know what i mean.

so we'll see where i go with that and what happens there.

but it's agreed all around that anna is an awesome little blessing.

henry is having fun with my parents and got to celebrate my sister's bday with her! so far so good on not missing us terribly, so apparently it hasn't messed him up too bad spending the last month glued to the outside of my leg while i limped around the house.

These People Have Given Me Social Anxiety

i cannot express enough how leaving my home has become something that i dread. 

it's probably not necessary, but i guess i should clarify- leaving my home with children is what i angst over.

leaving the home, however briefly, without them, is all like: 



i keep feeling compelled to venture out because the walls are feeling tighter and tighter around us in the house and henry is getting weird and pale and antisocial and freaks out if anyone dare touch the remote control to change the channel away from disney junior...

 
(this is exactly what henry looks like in his dark moments. i mean no joke. even the comb-over. don't know why he needs one, but there you have it).

every time i leave the safe nest of our home it's a fool's errand.

henry doesn't listen well at all and anna can fuss to the point of hysterics at any given moment with next to no provocation. (babies. sheesh).  i struggle to not feel panicky when they both go off at the same time.

and henry really has been a handful.

i hope, over the course of this blog, i've conveyed how wonderful that kid is. i mean, he's funny and smart and genuinely sweet and kind and good. i feel really good that he's on the right track to becoming an amazingly great person that society will be glad to have.

but right now, he's kind of a super mean jerk.

he screams, he hits, he throws himself about, he refuses to do everything i ask, he argues and ignores me and can't compromise and can't reason and....he's 2. and he's doing it really well.

it's annoying at home and i find myself fantasizing regularly about moving into a house where he isn't. but usually through time-outs and coercion and bribery and barely masked rage, we can work through whatever moment we're having.

but in public it's embarrassing and often ends up with me dragging him out of places screaming. for example, me being supermom and all, i bundled up both the crazies for toddler story time at the library monday at 10:15 a.m. when we arrived home at 11:07 a.m, we all were shell-shocked and dazed and hated books and places that held books and people who liked books.

he wouldn't sit on the rug with other fall-in-line children. and then he took the book that the library lady was about to read (poor performance, by the way. i give her a B- at best) off the easel and had a cow when i took it back. and then he tried to leave and then when i was chasing him as he left, he had a cow to come back in. that's a lot of cows. all of this while i push the stroller with the carrier with the anna in it just waiting for her to start tea-kettle screaming any second and demanding boob in public.

at one point, henry hit me in the face. which is SOOOO not ok, but made even worse with 50 moms watching me and (in my head) rating my parenting techniques and considering loaning me parenting books they just loved.

but we hate books now, so that's clearly out.

when the reading mercifully ended, he did a quick art project related to the book (i briefly considered sniffing/eating the glue for a diversion but then saw that it was all non-toxic and lame) and then we bolted. negotiating getting him up the elevator and into a coat involved so much coaxing and bribing. i think at one point i offered him my first born, which left us all confused.

so that was 52 minutes of one day. most of the minutes of the other days are much the same.

there are so many reasons he's acting out right now, and i'm really trying to cut him slack and be reasonable and positive and enjoy the time we have together that is happy (there's lots of that, too, thankfully).

but when we concocted the plan to have him go stay with my parents and sister for a few days this weekend, i did a big happy dance (it looked very cool. things were jelly rolling and something might have been dropped like it was hot).

we could use a healthy break from each other so that our hearts grow fond from the absence. he'll have fun and i'll get some stuff done and have some anna and robb time and it will be good.

and maybe he'll clear his head some. he's not just grouchy. he's also gotten weird.

like the home schooled children on 'south park' weird.

i've compared toddlers to adults on pcp before, but right now he's like an adult on ecstasy. he licks everything and wants to pet and kiss us all all the time and all he wants to eat are lollipops. and he's fascinated with his nipples currently, so they're usually on display. like matthew mcconaughey.

there. that last bit about the nipples was pretty embarrassing and some day when he reads this and is mad at me for posting it- i'll tell him that it was retaliation for being a little booger at gymnastics this week and making me hold him down while he got his shit together, showing my plumber's crack to the whole gym while my purse flung open across the room, shedding contents everywhere, including maxi pads so big they could manage a lady elephant's sanitary needs.

so there.

I Am Acing this Mom Thing, Provided I Don't Leave the House. Ever. At All.

three failed attempts at taking the monkeys out in public and having them keep those little boxy hats on and hit their drums in rhythm.

1. went outside when it was 9 degrees. face palm. henry looked so pale i just wanted him to feel the sun on his head for a wee moment...and it was so sunny and deceptively nice looking outside and we were so cooped up and we were only going to go to the park for a minute and....anna poopsploded all over herself about halfway down the block and then cried hard because she was so embarrassed and then when i told henry we'd have to turn around to go fix anna's situation, he was VERY disappointed and so also started screaming at me and....police were not called but headline would have been 'crazy lady drags 2 kids and a stroller through the snow in arctic temps while everyone cries.'

2. went to the movies with a 2 week old baby. sigh. i think i was underestimating how much i don't get my life back yet. and i was all excited because there are SO MANY good oscar pics this year and i SO wanted to get out of the house to go see one. so a friend and i went to 'her,' thinking it'd be a quiet movie conducive to infant sleep...and it was, sort of, but anna seemed to cry every time there was a sex scene, which there were surpassingly many, considering it's about a man and his computer device (yep), and so i'm convinced all members of the audience were equally appalled i'd bring a baby out in that weather and annoyed i was messing up their indy movie sex moments with infant squeaks. long story longer, i ended up nursing her on the floor of the lobby while spike jonze asked existential questions about the status of our human condition and diminishing ability to connect and joaquin phoenix mustached really well with his pants pulled up super high.

3. went to the fancy mall. trying not to spend much money while on leave, so won't make a practice of going shopping, but my sister's birthday is soon so in my head, i took my lovely silent children for a poke around the mall and found just the right cute little something for her and we all shared a spot of tea and had a gay old time.

what actually happened is that the connector thingy for the carseat to the stroller wasn't yet connected, so i watched a youtube video of how to do it in the parking garage of the mall and after swearing it into place finally, the locking mechanism on the wheel of the stroller wouldn't unlock so stroller wouldn't roll and my phone died from being out in the cold....and so i borrowed a wheelchair from the mall concierge (this is a very fancy mall, did i say that?) and pushed my baby in carseat around in that....and the other kid lagged behind and wouldn't go into any of the stores with just the right cute little somethings for my sister in them, but would only go into the lego store, and so we bought $20 of way age inappropriate legos with 500 pieces and swords and guns and all other stuff he shouldn't play with so that he would play quietly while i bought and ate another $20 worth of mall food court food. no presents were bought. but he did mention his penis to a stranger in an elevator. and then the baby screamed herself hoarse the whole way home.

so now we're inside the walls of my home and here we shall stay until they are about 7 and 9.

i actually think we're doing ok. i have yelled at henry way more than i ever used to. (because he's not used to it, it sort of startles him out of whatever he's doing and kind of works. but i mustn't over apply or it will lose its magic). i haven't broken down and sobbed on any park benches or torn any doors off their hinges or gone through with any of my threats to throw a kid in a snowbank or sell one to passing gypsies. i consider that a win.

and everyone's dressed and clean and fed and the house is actually not too filthy. and we have lots of new legos to play with.

but, seriously, this winter can lick my left nut, am i right? we need some balmy 30 degree weather already. sheesh.