It Is What It Is/And It's Pretty Darn Good

the busy is trying to kill us lately.

somewhat better now that the play i was assistant directing has finished, but still, there always seem to be a bazillion things to do. i've been trying to find time to catch up blogging, but it seems to fall behind feeding us all (several times a day! every day!), working all the time, laundering, sorta cleaning, sorta paying bills, not really at all exercising, and sorta preparing for the upcoming 3rd henry birthday party/anna baptism, a guest lecture at my PA school alma mater, and the house renovation.

i'm sorta failing on lots of these fronts, but it is what it is. that phrase ('it is what it is') has become my motto recently. it's a kid-proof version of my original motto ('fucket'), which still gets deployed on occasion.

anyway. the craziness of life was really emphasized by contrast this friday night when robb and i got a romantical night away. my sister and her fiancé watched the nuggets and did a damn fine job.

robb and i got to have dinner together at a hip establishment that kids would hate and it pretty much would hate them back. we drank, we talked, we snuzzled.  and then we stayed in a shmancy hotel where we had an 'oh, yeah. i know you! i like you. i really do!' time and slept a glorious 8 hours. in a row. then we strolled around hand-in-hand in the morning and found breakfast and nice little city spots to admire.

and then, back at home, where real life waited, was a teething angry baby (to be fair, if i had sharp teeth busting through my gums, i would demand a morphine pump. so far she has not mentioned morphine at all), a demanding toddler, a broken washing machine with a flooded laundry room and 10' tall pile of laundry, and plans for a busy weekend.

needless to say, the quiet time of not having much to do smacked hard against the lunacy we walked into at home right now....but, it is what it is. give the baby something to chew on (usually me), give henry an all access pass to any stupid british cartoon netflix has to offer to keep him quiet, and wrap them both in our old band t-shirts from the '90's since they have no clean clothes.

fucket, right?

but for real, the chaos is a blessing. it's a nutty lot of fun. and robb was brilliant and took apart and hobbled together the washing machine with duct tape and chewing gum, so maybe we can limp it along for another few years.

anyway. i had a point to this whole blog post. a catch-up. yes.

anna is 4 months old now. rolling over and trying to sit up. she is big, confirmed at the pediatrician. 90th % big (16 lbs 9 oz, 25.5"). she is mostly silly and happy, but, as i mentioned, 2 teeth nubs have broken through this week in her bottom front, so she is a little off her game. and finding creative ways to communicate her discontent:



this is her more normal, happy self telling me what's up:



henry is doing great. sassy and funny and full of ideas and words to match them. besides his new mohawk (which occasionally he wants turned into horns "like a triceratops,") he has sprouted up lately, so he's looking like a big giant grown kid.

he loves LOVES this nice weather and being outside all the time. he asks for very complicated chalk drawings on the driveway. that bit is pretty unacceptable because my dragons looks exactly like my snowmen, which obviously also look exactly like my ants. anyway. he is very excited for his upcoming 3rd birthday with a superhero theme. and what else? oh, the potty training is going slowly. i think because he has picked up on the family motto.

but, you know, it is what it is. 

My Baby Daddy Daddies Good

my husband used his amazon account to sign up for discount diapers and other bebe supplies by mail under a program called "amazon mom."

anyone else see the issue with that?

it is still assumed that the women are handling all the child raising. and shopping? and, i guess, that men are doing all the money making. and beer drinking?

(don't get me started on the unequal distribution of changing tables in women's/men's rooms in restaurants....because urinals and diapers can't ever share space)

i might have (definitely do have) an exceptional man who more than carries his share of the 'domestic responsibilities,' but i think it's fair to expect in 2014 that gender roles in the house/work force have changed enough that it would be more reasonably called 'amazon parent' by now? right?

tell me if i'm wrong, but it's not really acceptable at this point for a man to dedicate himself entirely to his career and his hobbies and leave all the home and kid stuff to his partner, is it?

robb and i discussed this while i loafed on the computer and he folded laundry. then we giggled about that.

i have been braining much on topics of gender recently. maybe to do with having hatched a female child. more on this soon. but would love to hear any ideas you have!

Squish Turns 4 Months Old!

anna is now 4 months old. we'll go to her well-visit at the peds next week, but i'll predict that they will say, "huge. she's huge. carry on."

in addition to being gigantic, she is the coolest baby. incredibly chilled out, rarely unhappy. she is always watching and looking for excuses to smile. and she laughs! i mean, a lot! we can make her belly laugh by just making goofy faces at her. and she engages back, making little noises that are clearly superb jokes that we just can't quite yet decipher.

so smart and strong and big and and she's just so sweet. she seems to have a really nice disposition. and she is always watching henry. it might be self-preservation, but i think she gets a kick out of him.

and when she does cry, she makes this perfectly sad little cartoon frown that just cracks me in two. so i pretty much do whatever she wants always to prevent having to see that.

i am just shaking my head in amazement at this gift from God. He has just loaded us up with blessings. so grateful and humbled.

Super Mom? Guilt and Cookie Bars.

mothers' day approaches.

i know this, because we're going to visit our moms and give them fun presents and make them dinner. my sister and i will have our annual bake-off which she ALWAYS wins because she's a good baker and because my stuff turns out weird. in different ways weird every time. creatively bad, i'll call it. right at this very moment, a mushy blondie batch is cooling on my counter. totally unbaked and soupy in the middle and kind of burned on the outer edge.

but i swear that the quality of my cookie bar does not reflect how much i love you, mom.

and i also know this because robb got me a pile of awesome vegan chocolate treats, ordered on the internet and delivered to our front porch....where an asshole squirrel broke into the package and ate the milky way (equivalent) and attempted to break into the reese's pb cup (equivalents).

i rescued the box and brought it into the kitchen to examine the damage from the marauding. at first i was very afraid of reaching in and getting rabies but my desire for chocolate peanut butter eventually won over my terror of mouth foam and i enjoyed them tremendously. i'm very brave.

and as it's almost mothers' day, i've been thinking about being a mom my own self and what it means and how my version of it is going so far. and last weekend a rad new friend made an observation about me that i've made of other women before. something like "how do you do it all? you're juggling so much. how is it possible?" and somewhere in the subtext (at least when i deliver this pointed question at people) is you're making the rest of us look bad. what are you up to??

and it does look like that. on paper. i'm working full-time, taking care of my wee ones, breast feeding the wee-est of them, co-managing a current house and a renovation project for what will come of this current house, assistant directing a play, and still somehow look fabulous throughout all of it. (i threw that last bit in. i wore a maternity dress to look swanky at the play last week. that's how i roll. round things roll.)

but i sometimes only see my kids for an hour a day.

that can't mean i'm super momming very well at all. yes, they're well taken care of by daycare and by robb and by babysitters and such, but don't they need some quality time with me? is the money i make or the fun i have working or hobbying really worth them having to live without me? and what about how desperately i miss them and what all i'm missing of this brief and precious part of their lives?

and so, i feel guilty. i worry. would henry be potty trained fully by now if i dedicated more time to him and being home? does he really know his ABC's or is he faking it? has he had any long-term damage from drinking bath water? have we swaddled anna too much and now her arms will forever be down by her sides like lord of the dance?!

i don't know. but i do know i feel guilt and worry all the time. i think that's the definition of being a mom though, right? however you're doing it, it's alongside a big steaming cup of guilt. i try to chase it away and be reasonable, but it always creeps back up.

when i'm able to break it down and be more objective than emotional i will say that henry has done great with the structure of the daycare and seems to thrive on its routine. they're both well loved and provided for there. and the play was a saving grace for me when i was on maternity leave. it provided a diversion and some creativity in the long, sleepless winter. also, because i work as much as i do, we are able to do cool things like build them a great house that they can grow up in near a park where they will probably one day get kidnapped.

oh, geez. you see that? argh. the guilt just chases me around.

so, anyway.

i say all that to say that i'm doing the best i can and that no matter how good it APPEARS to be, or actually IS, i'm always wondering if its enough and if its the right mix. i'm trying to make decisions with my kids' best interest in mind but also trying to maintain a small part of my creativity and ambition and uniqueness and trying to plan for the future while baking in the present and....it's a lot.

but, as i keep reminding my new mom friends....my kids are eating and pooping and gaining weight.

so we're good.

we're good.