Happy Summer Cheeks

bebe had a very busy weekend. baseball game in a suite w/ family on friday, trip to farmers market and visit w/ more family on saturday. church then brunch then grocery shopping on sunday. happy, quiet guy throughout all. even through a buttsplosion at whole foods that soaked through everything up to his hairline on the back of his neck (which, to be fair, is kind of low...he's growing a little brown mullet).

he's getting more fun and easier to take out in the world everyday. as long as we stay on his schedule and stay after his needs, he's very content. tiny blessing. :)

Haven't Had the Breast of Weeks, But it Hasn't Been Brawful Either (Har, Har, Har)

well, it's been a busy couple of days. i am blogging at 6am because i have a few minutes to myself as niñito is asleep and also there's an excellent thunderstorm going on outside that i don't want to miss. (ok, such is life...i started the post at 6am, it's now 8:47 and quiet again around here, so maybe i'll actually complete my thoughts now...we'll see. and now it's 10:22. submit! submit!).

we had a couple of rough nights in a row early this week where he just never really settled and wanted to nurse all the time. some of it might be a growth spurt, some might be the change we made- he is no longer sleeping in our room in the pack-n-play, but is now in the crib in the nursery. and he's also been increasingly full of gas and unhappy about it and was spitting up a lot and coming off the boob shrieking and such.

so in addition to keeping him upright and doing other little tricks, i called my pediatrician and she started him on zantac for reflux. the instructions were to give him 1 ml 3 x/day 15 minutes before meals. which is a bit of a challenge since we don't really have set meal times just yet and we know it's time for him to eat because he's screaming bloody murder that he wants to eat, like, YESTERDAY. so we're lucky if we get 10 minutes of distracting him by dancing around the house and showing him shiny things before i give in and feed him. nonetheless, the zantac seems to be helping some.

but i am still not a very secure nursing mom (perhaps this is because nursing makes him cry like i've punted him?) and i have all these concerns about my milk production and his latching and what it will be like nursing when i'm back to work, etc, etc. so i start doing research on-line and inevitably always find la leche league's website. so i went to check out a meeting.

i was very concerned that it would be a bunch of crazy militant hippies nursing their 5th graders and that i wouldn't fit in at all. it wasn't like that. they all seemed fairly normal. and their kids were more like 1-3 years old. some were also nursing infants (tandem nursing). they actually had really practical advice and were totally reassuring about a lot of things. they really discouraged me from trying to diet and working out too hard as i need all my resources to feed henry. and they swore up and down that just by continuing to nurse, the lbs will just fall away over the next few months. that is the kind of advice i like to hear. pass the pie.

so the group isn't as homogenous as i feared, but it does take a certain type of person with a passion for the mission who is willing to put her nipple into the mouth of a toddler with a full set of teeth. i did get some wide eyes in response to me telling them i had henry on (gasp) medication for reflux. and i did feel pressure to establish my hippie chops. as i changed his disposable diaper i rushed to tell them BUT WE USUALLY USE CLOTH AT HOME THESE EVIL THINGS ARE JUST FOR GOING OUT...and i casually dropped my vegetarianism/ veganism into conversation.

and i refrained to mention anything about us following the Baby Wise program (controversial sleep and feedings scheduling to get baby on a routine and start to sleep through the night early, restricts baby from nursing sometimes, encourages you to not co-sleep, lay them down when still awake, etc) or what i do for a living.

and speaking of that, i guess that's the biggest difference between me and these women. they meet at 10am on a tuesday. so after next month, i'm back to work and no longer able to participate. they're all home with their kids.

if i'm being cynical and paranoid, i read from this good mom= breastfeeds like a champ + doesn't work

it's the same thing with other parenting groups i've found. our church's mommy support group, the hospital's parenting support groups- anything designed for women meets in the mornings. there are occasional family ones for the involved dad that meet in the evening, but they're few and far between.

not that i'm much of a joiner anyway, but i found it worth noting. we also just met with a financial planner (evidently adult people are supposed to save money for the future??) and he kept asking if we planned for me to stay home one day after we have 3 or 4 more kids. not kidding. that's what he said. :)

and the thing is? i just don't. (...plan to have 3 or 4 more kids OR plan to stay home). i mean, obviously things can change, and i KNOW it's going to be hard to go back to work after i've had 24-hr/day with him all summer...but i worked hard for my degree, have worked hard in my career. and being a PA is an important part of my identity. and i think daycare, while it poses some negatives, also offers great benefits to kids.

so i feel good about my life decisions. i just can't talk about nipple shields on a tuesday morning.


chunky little friend is really filling out. we keep having the discussion about "how many chins does one baby need? shouldn't we be donating some to chin-less babies in africa or something?" and that chair he's "sitting" in...it goes with the adult versions from ikea. we bought it ages ago. before he was even a little seedling i think. he's not quite ready for it, auntie erica couldn't help herself. :)


we spend hours trying to make him laugh...and sleep. both are joyful.

Sweet Dreams Indeed

we're trying to set up a bedtime ritual. most nights it does not look like this. but tonight, it went very well.


snuggly after a nice bath in the sink and an oily massage/getting educated on caterpillars and all that they eat.



man likes to be naked. whatcha gonna do?

Sometimes I Think He Just Sleeps Because I'm Boring Him

we lost power yesterday. we appeared to be the only ones affected by the downed power line 2 doors down. and, of course, with power went the AC and all fans. and the fridge and freezer.

so we're staying at a local dog and baby-friendly motel. (surprisingly, apparently all hotels are baby-friendly. we did not know this. i guess it's not like smoking or bringing a pet- even though it's inconveniencing to other guests, i guess that's ok because it's a human bean...hmmm).

rushing to get out of the house before the hot air bomb dropped (it got up to 104 degrees yesterday), it felt like we were refugees. and all we had to get was dog and baby and us. and we weren't running from any major threat, really.

i have a whole new appreciation for the following people: single parents, stay-at-home parents, parents of more than 1 child, parents of ill tempered and special needs kids and parents living in hostile environments.

i mean, we're 2 on 1 and still pulling our hair out sometimes.

so bravo all you heroes i just named. you deserve a statue in the park.

It's a Good Day Because I Made the Bed. And Not Necessarily a Bad Day Because I Spilled Breast Milk on the Cherry Tomatoes.

i just maybe wouldn't eat at my house for the time being, if you are totally vegan and opposed to human byproducts. :)

so i don't know if i've said this enough, but i'm LOVING being on leave and home with henry. it helps that it's the summer and so it's beautiful out and we're largely able to be out and about in it. plus, friends and family are off or on vacation, so we're able to see a lot of them.

i officially have 6 weeks left of my baby sabbatical. i am fortunate enough to work for a large company that pays 100% of my salary for 6 weeks post delivery (same for adoption, 8 weeks if c-section delivery). and then i have a few weeks of vacation i'm using...and then i'm finishing off a total of 12 weeks FMLA (job-protected leave, unpaid). i went back and forth about going without pay for a few weeks and debated whether i needed that much time off..but in the end i decided i want to savor every minute i get with him while he changes so quickly and while he's establishing a sleep schedule (yea right) and both of us are learning to nurse, etc.

and i really feel lucky to have gotten 6 weeks with full pay. i know people who got nada or whose small business could only give them a week or two. but then, on the flip side, there's almost every other country in the free world that mandate companies provide extensive maternity leaves and sometimes even paternity leaves (w/ government subsidies i think?).

so it's nice that these countries focus on family values. and there's evidence that longer maternity leaves help encourage positive things like longer breast feeding. but who does pay for it? it looks from this fascinating chart (on wikipedia, so it must be right) like most of europe pay at least 4 mos leave at 100% and then offer up to several years at some % of salary. and lots of time this can be used as paternity leave instead/in addition. it's amazing. totally different paradigm.

sounds ideal, but in reality, how would it play out? would it put small businesses out of business? what about taxes? who's paying for it? and what about all that time away from work for the employees? wouldn't you lose ground? clients? up to date knowledge?

hmmm....any thoughts on this?

What's He Like?

at the pediatrician visit last week the doctor asked me what henry's personality was like.

at first i thought it was a funny question because it's a little bit like asking about the mood of a guppy or the proclivities of an amoeba. (no offense, henry, but i mean, come on...).

but, in reality, he has a lot of personality. he is, mostly, a very content little boy. he checks out the world around him, seeming to take it all in. and, with less and less effort on our part, he is quite smiley.


but when things are off in his little world- if he's hungry, wet, dirty tired or full of gas- he is very...passionate. the book "happiest baby on the block" by dr. harvey karp would classify henry as intense ("Throughout your baby’s normal waking and sleeping cycles, he’s bound to experience tiny flashes of frustration, annoyance and discomfort. Calm babies handle these with hardly a fuss, but if your baby is intense he’s going to experience them intensely! It’s as if the “sparks” of every day distress fall onto the “dynamite” of your baby’s volatile temperament and “KAPOW!!” he explodes.").

yes, that about sums it up. he goes from 0 to full out manic in no time. robb says that if he was a grown man, he would go from smiling and shaking your hand to PUNCHING YOU IN THE HEAD.

that's what it's like. rarely to we get a weak little whine. usually it's a full on explosion. he throws his head back and makes this awful sad face and real tears roll down his face and...it's all very pitiful. and loud.


today he must have had an upset stomach (i ate indian food last night- related?) because we saw a lot of that sad face.

after being up quite a bit in the night and then with him at home all day afraid to leave because of his mood and the heat, i was ready for a break when robb got home. he gamely took him and i went on a date all by myself. the gym and the grocery store were never more relaxing and magical than they were tonight while i avoided my loud house. :)

good days and bad. today was bad-ish, so we're due a good one tomorrow. fingers crossed.

We've Graduated!

had my 6 week ob/gyn checkup today. my md diagnosed me as "to' up from the flo' up." that's what he said. no, seriously, he did.

ok, maybe that's my own assessment. and i don't mean to be all whiny. my gorgeous little boy is worth all this and more. and that i CAN breast feed is a total blessing. i got all that. but in the interest of full disclosure in capturing my peri-pregnancy experiences, here you go. i am talking about the following things...

1- i'm going on week 6 of vaginal bleeding (normal- and won't cause anemia as there is so much extra in there that needs to be purged once bebe is no longer using it). it's getting a little old.

2- all my joints are weak and achy (also normal- blame the relaxin released during pregnancy and the extra weight). it hurts when i first get out of bed or a chair. i feel like an old man creaking around.

3- my stomach is all doughy and stretch-mark-y and that dark line down the middle is still there (my muffin tops have muffin tops)

4- the weight is not falling off fast like it was at first. i'm 20 lbs up (at least) from where i should be. and apparently it's going to take some effort to shed it. growl. i hate effort.

5- my boobs are still silly big. like absurdly huge. since i'm now allowed to start running, i have to tackle the problem of preventing them from bouncing into my face and knocking me out when i'm moving at high speeds. went sports bra shopping this weekend and $64 for 1 bra later...i got this shiny pink superhero thing. it is more like a compression shirt than a bra. there are 11. yes 11. hooks up the front. but by golly it keeps things from moving. i think it was made by NASA.

so in all actuality, my doc determined me to be "normal and healthy." all the above probs are expected, normal post pregnancy changes. and with weight loss should come improvement on most fronts. so we're cracking down on diet this week. and will start training for a half marathon. hopefully this combo will get me there.

and i am cleared to get back into exercising without restrictions and...sex.

right....about that....maybe i'll feel up to it by Christmas? of 2015? we'll see. fingers crossed.

we did have the birth control discussion. i guess it's a good idea in the event that i have a good day when i'm not hobbling around and bleeding and might feel like some hanky or panky. but under no circumstances will i be taking my shirt off. again. ever.

the options for BC at this point, since i'm breast feeding, are the progesterone-only pill or Depo shot, an IUD, or condoms/other barriers. i'm actually very interested in not inadvertently getting pregnant again soon, so we decided to build a fortress with a moat around my uterus. in the moat we put sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. and on the bridge, dogs that shoot bees out of their mouths. that should do it.

but little champion had a great weekend with family. he is traveling a lot better. and his cry seems more mature. less frantic and more with purpose. it sounds different. he's definitely maturing. and he spends more time awake, making eye contact and observing the world. it's amazing and fun.

heart is full even if belly is not.

Like a Chocolate Fountain Except...

well, we had a great day. most successful adventure yet. we went and visited all my wonderful coworkers at work and then went to buybuy baby for some supplies...and then went out to lunch and through ALL of that, he was either awake and happy or sleeping quietly. it was magical.

so then we got home, and he celebrated his triumph by taking the most giant of juicy craps. my sister was changing him and she started laughing and hooting and hollered that i should come and check out his accomplishment. as i walked into the nursery to inspect what was, indeed, a most fruitful of labors, little monkey started peeing. uncovered and directly into the air, into his mouth. in his hair, and on the dresser...INto an open drawer of the dresser. onto a big pile of clean diapers. onto the floor. onto me, etc. etc. well, by this time my sister was doubled over unable to breathe, she was laughing so hard. and THEN, he spit up all over himself.

yes. he did in fact simultaneously express 3 different body fluids. remarkable.

well, in time she and i stopped convulsing in laughter and were able to clean henry (and the rest of the room that he besmirched). he seemed fairly placid through the whole ordeal.

naturally. :)

The Land of Milk and Henry

we sometimes use a burt's bees bath product that has honey in it to bathe him. so then he smells like milk and honey.

and i kind of want to lick his head...

i refrain...mostly.


getting that smile thing down...(seriously, look at that butt chin!)



holding his head up by himself. all growed up!


and communing with the natives. we were debating what a group of monsters is called.
a "gaggle?" a "pluck?" a "herd?"

So You Want To Put a Baby Inside You

let's talk fertility a minute here. i have a few friends working on getting knocked up and i told them i'd give them my insights into hastening the process. and i thought i'd share it with all of you, too. if you have any advice to add or questions, leave a comment! (do try it, but i heard tell the comments aren't working so hot lately, so if you're having trouble, email/fb me about it).

1. patience sucks but is the name of the game when it comes to trying to get pg. if you're like i was, once you've decided to pull your goalie and go for it, you want to be pregnant, like, yesterday. but it might not work that way. and a heads up- each cycle (28-32+ days) will feel like an eternity. you might start to define your life in terms of your cycle (we're fertile until 5pm wednesday! i can take a test in 2 days! another negative- only 12 days until it's game on again! i thought i saw a faint second line- perhaps if i take it into natural light?, etc, etc). this is normal. but it is also frustrating, so be aware and attempt to keep other parts of your life moving forward and not get too bogged down in this. it can be all-consuming. start a new hobby or plan a trip or something. again, you don't know how long this will take. and it's hard to stay sane while you're waiting if you're used to being in control and setting and achieving goals quickly. so be patient with yourself and the situation as best you can.

also, and i don't mean to make anyone nervous, but i do want to mention right up front that some couples need more than just fertility tracking. some require medical interventions to get pregnant. and that's ok. it might just mean hormones, or it might also involve procedures. this is totally doable and, though it will undoubtedly cause some angst and try your patience (and maybe your wallet), it might just be part of your journey. supplemental hormones were part of mine.

there are many issues for both males and females that can make getting pregnant difficult. everything from hormones to anatomy and beyond. we won't go into that now (but touch base with me if you want to discuss further) but it is safe to say that these issues likely don't show up until you start trying to get pregnant so you might not be aware of them until this time. if you have been off birth control and trying all the tactics described below for 6 months, i would talk to your ob/gyn. officially, the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists say that healthy couples can take up to a year to get pregnant and that this is within the normal range. but you might get impatient at 6 months and it's at least worth asking. but do give it at least that long.

and, lastly, we have several friends with amazing, wonderful children who they adopted when fertility interventions were unsuccessful. this is true for a small percentage of couples and i tell you this now not to worry you, but instead to reassure you that there are always more options, more solutions. some days it might seem like meeting your kid will never happen, but you can, in fact, be someone's mommy/daddy someday.

now, all that being said...below are some tricks on how to hopefully not have to wait too long for THAT FREAKING DOUBLE LINE.

(and remember that everyone is different. some people ovulate like clockwork, some are all over the map, some go months without. the idea of tracking your cycle is to give you an idea of how your cycle works so that you can predict and plan ovulation and pregnancy efforts).

2. supplies you will need (your "Sex For a Good Cause" kit):

• 1 reliable and quick to display digital thermometer. a decent one, but doesn't have to be a special ($$$) ovulation thermometer. this is for checking your morning temperature.
  
• 1 big bottle of good lubricant. your lady and boy bits will get shag fatigue (SF) if you don't keep things oiled up. you both need to stay healthy and un-chafed to continue your efforts, so don't mess around in this area. you can go with the old stand-by Astroglide, or, if you are really ready to pull out all the stops, pony up for the $$$ and possibly hard to find sperm-friendly lubricant, Pre-Seed. it comes with an applicator. i didn't entirely read the directions, but i thought that was funny cuz i always thought the applicator of lube was, you know, the penis. but anyhoo...
• in the same vein, keeping the lady parts functional, i recommend using a feminine wash that is pH balanced specifically for them. fends off irritation, inflammation and infection. i use the store brand version of this. when you have 2 more days of open ovulation window, the last thing you want is a yeast infection, so do all the good vagine care stuff- no douching, white cotton panties/no thongs or fancy silky stuff, no baths just showers, and keep things clean and dry.
• ovulation predictor kit- you can buy these at any drug store. you will pee on a stick to see when you are ovulating. some kits are just 7 days or so, some span the whole cycle. either is fine, just read the directions carefully. unlike the pregnancy pee stick, the first AM pee is not the best time to check this, so you might be doing it mid day or in the evening or what not. and the darkness of the line is sort of subjective/fluid, so instead of relying on it exclusively, you'll have use it in conjunction with everything else to determine when you're ovulating.
  
• pregnancy tests- sigh. keep a couple on hand, i guess. if you're like me, you will take a bajillion of these over time, even when you know it's too early/there's slim to no chance it could be positive. but there you go with the patience thing again (see #1). anyway, if you find you're taking them inappropriately and all the time, a wise friend told me to buy them at the dollar store. if you're genuinely positively pregnant, even those cheapies will pick it up. otherwise, arrange a second mortgage on your house cuz the name brand ones are 'spensive.
• calendar- either a physical calendar or a shared email based one (we use gmail) that you and your spouse can both see that shows predicted ovulation, predicted period, etc. be on the same page.
  
• buy the book and with it will come a CD you can use to register to become a member and chart your cycles on-line instead of on paper of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." you will track your temperature each morning, your vaginal fluid changes, and the ovulation kit sticks. and if you're REALLY motivated, your cervical height and openness (by self exam). it also tracks when you're having intercourse, the length of your periods, etc. using it will, after a few cycles, give you a pretty good idea when you're ovulating so that you can time sex appropriately. i would read the entire book once to really understand how it all works and then use it as a reference. there are a lot of similar available resources, but i liked this one and think it is reputable and easy to use.
  
• i'd like to say, "a nice bottle of wine and a weekend at a bed and breakfast" but, in truth, there are no superstitious tricks that will guarantee you success. sorry about that. people will give you all kinds of tips and they will get all up in your business (if you reveal that you are trying), but it will happen when it happens. drag.

so that's the down and dirty of trying to get pregnant. there's a lot more to be said, but i've already taken up too much of the intertubes with this post, so i'll stop here. but do email or facebook message me if you want to talk privately or comment here for public consumption.

the gist of it? is it worth all the effort and energy and stress? oh, yes. but does it suck waiting and worrying and working on it? oh, yes.

good luck and God bless!

He's Not Fat! He's Big Boned. :)

1 month well visit today went great. he is right on track for all developmental milestones and growing like a champ! thanking God for our happy, healthy little guy. (and lookie! it's been a whole month! that's waaaay longer than any of my goldfish ever made it!)

took his vaccine (Hep B) with a little surprised irritation and came home and slept hard on me, but didn't treat it like the end of the world (not nearly as bad as a diaper change on his changing table-worst. thing. ever.)

up to 10lbs 5oz (was 7lbs 10oz at birth) and 22.5" long (was 21" at birth). 75th percentile.

little hero.

needless to say, i'm feeling better about my milk quality and frequency. baby the hut seems to be growing just fine. :)


came home and passed out.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back...You Know, As Sexy As One Can Get When One is Leaking Milk

nursing miracle found today- the "mybrestfriend" pillow. it's like the boppy except that it works. (sorry, the boppy is great to prop the baby up on, just not for nursing). back support, baby head support, comfort, thickness, sturdiness. it's a Christmas miracle.

if you yourself are planning on breast feeding or know someone who is, do them this solid. it's available at buybuy baby and probably everywhere else. i bought it at our local hippie baby store. la leche army and lactation consultants endorse it.

so nursing is going awesomestly today and i am thankful. i took it for granted all these weeks that it just sort of...worked. i didn't much like it but a few days with it not working and now i'm THRILLED and grateful that's it's back to game on.

and....doot doo doo doo!!!....my jeans closed today! it was a banner moment. i'm porking out all over the sides, but SO WHAT?! they closed! i have a waist!

and henry has had a good day today. took a family shower to clean off several layers of urine and spit up that accumulated on him in a fine patina of filth over the past few days. then went on first trip to the farmers' market where he slept in the sling on me. we came home and he was smiling in abundance. couldn't catch him in the act for a picture, but will soon i'm sure. he seems to hate the paparazzi so far. can't blame him. they're everywhere.

later tonight we're going to attempt to go to the drive-in movie. we'll see how that goes...

I Might Start Nursing a Drink Instead

well. let me start by saying that today has been a good day. no complaints. went to picnic lunch with henry and robb then shopping at the mall. small war hero has been sleeping since and i'm getting stuff done around the house. and he is back to nursing like a pro.

but YESTERDAY was a disaster. this whole infant thing definitely comes with good days and bad days. it's a matter of staying away from the ledge on the bad days. sheesh.

actually, the last 2 days were pretty rough. as you might know, i have ventured into the world of breast feeding. it is rewarding in that you know the bebe is getting awesome nutrients and you can entirely control what he consumes, plus there are no supplies and it is ready always...but it is NOT instinctive nor easy for either of us. we've had to work hard to make it sort of sometimes mostly work. i keep blaming my freakishly large boobs (seriously? ratio of boob to henry's head? 3:1. easy), but in truth it's logistics, it's supply and demand, it's the fact that i nurse every 2.5-3hrs and sometimes it takes up to 45 mins to nurse, so my downtime between feedings is nil.

all that aside, we've done ok.

until 2 days ago when tiny wee one suddenly could not latch on my boobalas and so i turned to pumping and found, to my dismay, that not much was coming out. certainly not enough to satiate him from a bottle. so i stared into his red screaming, jowly little face and feared i would not be able to feed him enough to give him what he needs. (again, there are jowls of proof that he's been getting ample enough food, but still it was retching my heart out).

so wed night in a near panic i sent robb out to buy formula. WHICH IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. but, my gosh, you'd think based on my reaction to it that by not being able to nurse him i had failed my baby in the highest order and that he was now sentenced to sucking on fart flavored sawdust.

but again, mandy and jason, our wonderful friends, came through for us with all the backup supplies we need.

which was life-saving. yesterday i continued to attempt to nurse and pump my own weak amount and get more and more frustrated. but because of their provisions at least henry could eat.

but if you had been a fly on the wall in my house yesterday, you would have seen a tiny sobbing infant and a large sobbing woman both rocking (and one of them swearing) surrounded by lots of piles of dirty dishes and laundry. all soaked in tears of unfathomable sadness.

by the time robb got home, we were both worn out and i was nearly catatonic i was so distraught. the guilt that i felt for not being able to provide for him was overwhelming. i felt like a failure and totally helpless. and the more worked up i got, the more out of sorts he got. so he wouldn't sleep and wouldn't be still and happy so i couldn't put him down. so i couldn't pump. so he couldn't get my milk...so i got more worked up, etc, etc. it was unpleasant.

i feel like the little boy, elliot, in "ET." remember how when ET was dying, elliot got sick, too? they shared wellness and illness and emotions. that's how i feel with henry. when things are off in his small world, things are also amiss in mine. and conversely, when he's content, i can breathe easy.

we are already codependent. well on our way to "who are you taking to homecoming, henry?" (said in millhouse voice) "the COOLEST girl i know- my mom!"

sigh.

so i spoke to the lactation consultants at the hospital and they suggested i pump often to increase my supply. and to keep trying to nurse, but not be afraid to supplement with a bottle. they said that sometimes healthy infants will just stop latching and it usually only lasts a day or two.

so after hearing that and after talking it out with robb, having a healthy dinner with above named wonderful friends, bitching to my mom on the phone, and watching 'holy grail' for family movie night, i feel a lot better. i will ATTEMPT to let things roll off my back and not be so dire about it all.

and today is much better with my new can-do attitude.

there is a guilt that comes with this parenting thing that i feel acutely now and then. and maybe especially so for those of us who had to fight hard to get 'em here in the first place. yesterday when i was genuinely miserable i kept thinking 'who am i to complain about one second of this (should be) joy? we prayed, begged, and fought for this and now i'm an ingrate'.

but i think having a newborn is hard. it just is. it doesn't diminish my adoration of him or thanks to God for him. it's just how it works.

good days and bad. i also keep chanting, "this is just a phase, this is just a phase." which is good to remember when i need to survive a hard moment and also to remind me to savor the good ones.

and give the people what they really want:

Happy One Month Birthday, Tiny Heiny!

there will be no cake this year. henry is on a liquid diet and robb and i are cracking down on ourselves to start losing weight. so our cake will be kale. (yaaay).

but even sans cake baby hj is 1 month old today! and he's gaining weight and height to prove it. we go to the pediatrician next week, so we'll have official measurements then, but subjectively he is heavier and looks like a little chunker compared to where he started. in fact, when i'm fretting about nursing and not sure if he's getting what he needs, robb just squeezes his torso and says, "well, he feels fat." so there you go. and he is just taking up more space. not quite time for the race car bed already, but close.


see? jowls that were not there at day 1. and look how long he is now!?




it's hard to tell what's happening in this picture, but it is special to me. it's me on a pier by a lake nursing him with a cover. you can just see his blanketed little feet sticking out. this is the very same pier on which robb and i sat on october 5, 2008 (i know the date, cuz it's our anniversary and we were there celebrating) and debated whether or not we wanted to have kids. we'd been married 6 years at that point and "weren't getting any younger" so we had had the tough talk and decided, with giddiness, to go ahead and pull our goalie. like any naive youngsters, we assumed we'd be pregnant in a month and parents within the year.

it didn't quite work that way. it took us almost 3 years with 2 miscarriages and some problems getting pregnant in there, BUT on july 2nd, 2011 we sat on the pier with our son and just smiled.

Wonderful Weekend up North! Christmas in July.

we've been up at my parents' cabin since thursday night and it's been magical. weather has been beautiful (although, i am such a titty baby these days when it comes to heat. i cannot tolerate anything above 75 it seems. not sure if it's hormones or fatness or somehow i'm still having flashbacks of hot flashes from the fever 2 yrs ago or the fertility drug or what...but bleh). and henry has been meeting lots of family members and enjoying the up northness of it all.

he is, blessedly, pretty good in the car. and so far doesn't object too much to being passed around from relative to relative. or to us dressing him up and posing him in potentially embarrassing/ hazardous positions. like a china doll.

poor guy.


first smile and first canoe trip? more like practice for the real things.

and we did a "Christmas in July" scavenger hunt for a family gathering...


he already hates santa.

so, all in all he's done really well. but i think we may have tuckered him out.