The Passage of Minion Time

big changes afoot around here. i mean, small changes in the grand scheme, but they're happening to small people, so relatively epic.

henry's potty training really took off this weekend. i threatened to give away all the super awesome super hero underwear he got for his birthday since he wasn't using it and another little boy or girl who pees and poops in the potty could surely enjoy it....and my dirty pool worked. other than while napping, he's worn undies for 12 hrs/day without any accidents. he has gotten the whole bathroom ritual down, too. from dropping trou to washing paws, he's doing it almost entirely independently (some supervision required to make sure said troy is fully dropped and said paws are fully washed).

so that's going great. other than the fact that he hasn't pooped all weekend and will probably require disimpaction and therapy to make it ever happen again.

but anyway. other than that, going great.

his independence is so fun to experience. he's curious and intrigued by everything and wants to make fun out of all parts of life. he had a perfect henry day yesterday- went to a peter pan event with his wee best buddy and then later rode bikes with robb to 4 different parks to play.



he's really a pretty reasonable toddler. i think the many words that he has helps avoid frustration. and he's very compassionate. today when i was wrestling to get one of the strollers to open, he came up and patted my shoulder, saying, "keep trying, mommy. keep trying."

kid may have prevented my nervous breakdown. this time.

anna has a for reals tooth coming through, but now that it's visible, she seems bothered less by it.

overall she sleeps like a champ, but going down to sleep i totally use all the cheater cheater crutch stuff. she has a mad case of restless body syndrome. she twitches and throws herself around as she tries to settle down. so we are still swaddling- but just one little arm. she rolls over now, so we don't want to swaddle both for safety, and she's too long, so her legs are out. so even after clipping that one wing, she's still using it to whip the shit out of anybody nearby (me). i've learned to apply pretty clever wrestling moves while nursing so that most of her parts are lying flat and still.

and sometimes she's still resisting in her sleep. 

she's been drinking water out of my glass and showing great interest in food for a while. like to the point where she tracks everything that i put in my mouth and tries to frantically reach for it, so when i hold her, i feel like a total dick not offering her a bite of my pad thai or whatever.

she doesn't turn 6 months for a few weeks, but she's so interested in food, and she clearly needs the added nutrients (see: cheeks), so we started giving her some avocado this weekend. it went well. we'll move on to sweet potato soon.

we really should get henry to feed her. she likes him and everything he does. she watches him even more avidly than she watches my food.

5 Months Old and Feeling Fine

anna --> anna banana --> anna banana pants --> pants banana --> pantalones

the child is now being referred to as 'pantalones' (spanish for 'pants'). because banana rhymes with pants. 

she is wonderful. eating like a champ. in fact, eating so much at daycare that i'm quickly being outmatched for my milk supply. going to have to amp up my efforts. but by next month we'll start giving her some real food and those cheeks won't be sustained on milk alone. 

she is very close to sitting on her own. she rolls all the way over. she babbles constantly and laughs all the time. she ADORES henry and moons over him (and vice versa). 

robb and i just keep shaking our heads at each other about these two people who live in our house. they are amazing and miraculous gifts. i love them so much it gives me the aches. 

The Letter We Read to Anna at her Dedication

dearest anna-mal.
I've said this prayer thing over your brother, and now you, every night since you were born.
God loves you, mommy and daddy love you, grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles, cousins, family and friends. and you love everybody, because you are good and kind, and loving and sweet...and smart, and fun and funny and special and important and beautiful and honorable. (to this, henry always says “mommy, don't say 'honorable.' but that's one of the most important ones, so i'm going to keep on saying it and defining it and helping you understand and become it). you're doing a really good job being an anna. it's not always easy, but you're doing a great job. and we're very proud of you. we love you.
sweet anna banana. we are really excited we get to be your parents. we haven't even known you that long, but it's already obvious how wonderful you are. God did a smashing job of matching you with us. we love who you are. you've already proven to be sweet and joyful, and hilarious, easy going, and very, very strong. your eyes are smart and watchful and always looking for something amusing. you are so quick to smile and laugh. may you always find life full of joy. and if for some reason it isn't full of joy, find a way to make it yourself. this is a skill that should help get you through the hard times. because, as we tell your brother, life will sometimes be hard.
dearest anna kirsten. there's great things that can come from hard times, too. but you won't have to face them alone because you are a very blessed little girl. you have us, your brother, and all these great people here and out in the world fighting for you. and, most importantly, you have God.
ao thanks for being part of our family, for making us your parents, and for making henry a big brother! (he's really good at it! we aren't suprised). we will do everything we can to help you know you are amazing and loved, and to introduce you to God's love, which is where we learned how to love in the first place.

Blessings in Abundance

well, we got anna dedicated this weekend. this is us committing to raise her knowing God and surrounded by good people who will help her grow to be a God-serving, people-serving person. it's like baptism, except that she'll have to choose at some point in her life when she's old enough to choose, if she wants to make that commitment for herself. and then, by her own volition, she'll get baptized into the church. this is more about our commitment to her.

and henry turned 3. and celebrated like a super hero.

so we had a big double birthday/dedication party for them and it was awesome. and so many wonderful friends and family showed up and we all got to squish together over cake and ice cream in our basement while the storm rolled over.

it was just joyful.

and henry was awesome, handled all the chaos like a big 3 year old champ. and anna was a little crabby, but she had the trifecta head cold-teething-constipation thing going, so considering that, she was awesome. (and today she resolved one of them. the *major* one, so is back to her grinning self. and henry pooped in the toilet instead of the wading pool. barely. but it counts. so it was a good poop day around here today. which means, of course, that it was a stellar day all around).

anyway. tired and happy. thankful for all the love and support. and these two incredible goofballs that God landed on us. whoa. i mean, whoa.

Henry Monkey Has Been Monkeying for Almost 3 Whole Years! And Anna Can Answer 'Yes' When Asked if She Knows Jesus.

i'm feeling better. the funk seems to be lifting. probably putting it out there, to you all and to my loves who i talked to about it in person, did help (good advice. thanks, jen! we will do drinks.).

 i find i'm less trapped under the weight of everything. i can breathe. my smile doesn't hurt as much.

and it's great timing, because we're in celebration mode around here.

henry turns 3 on sunday and anna is being dedicated -sort of like baptized- at our church on the same day.  so we're throwing a little party. it's superhero themed. natch. and it's mostly family and a few friends. trying to keep it low stress and big fun.

needless to say, i'm thankful for every one of the 1,093 days that henry's been alive. he's funnier and wittier and more compassionate every day. he's just really friggin' cool. i still look at him in awe that he's my kid. that he landed here with us. and we get to keep him. just amazing. and even if 3 is more monster-y than 2 was (not very. really), it's all about growth and the longview. and we'll get through it. he's worth it. 

so his brain is braining well. and we went for his 3 year well-visit to the doctor today and she confirmed that his body is doing great, too!

he's 77th% for height (grew 3.5" last year! average is 2"/year) and is 60th% for weight, having gained 3 lbs (average is 3-5 lbs/year). he's in the 28th% for BMI. and his blood counts and urine test (which would show anemia, signs of diabetes, etc) are where they should be.  the MD said something like 'he's lean and perfectly healthy!'

it's a relief to hear that.

even though i am truly committed to eating a plant-based, mostly vegan diet and feel great about what we put in henry (kale! flax! hemp! so many fruits and veggies! and donuts and french bread and thousands upon THOUSANDS of lollipops), it is an 'alternative' diet and i sometimes worry that we're unknowingly shorting him stuff that he needs. and God help me, if he wasn't optimally healthy and growing like he should because of our weird choices, i would be devastated.

but he is! he's doing awesome!! (we did good!) and, according to studies, we also are hopefully saving him from later life cancers and heart disease and diabetes and such. here's hoping.

all that is to say that he is a very special little boy and that i'm making (vegan) superman ice cream for his birthday party. to go alongside the (vegan) spiderman cake and (vegan) cupcakes for anna's side of the party that her aunt/godmother is making her.

it should be a fun party. and everyone will poop well afterward.

Ok, Fine. Let's Talk About Depression.

so, you'd think, since i've shared stuff about the condition of my vagina and breasts during the course of having children...and i've even talked about my friggin' hemorrhoids, for God's sake, that there would be nothing scary and sacred that i wouldn't share with you, the internet. 

but, the internet, there is something i've been reluctant to discuss.

i'm in a funk. i feel bad. i'm full of self-loathing and doubt and guilt and feelings of worthlessness. and then more guilt about how i have NO RIGHT to feel this bad when i'm living such a charmed and beautiful life. no right at all. 

and yet here it is. 

it's a familiar place that i've visited before. 

and even though i am now 'postpartum,' i do not think that this is 'postpartum depression' or 'the baby blues.' it's coming on fairly late into the game after having anna, and it feels like it has before, during previous episodes. 

i have the tendency to fall into lows like this now and then. i think most people do. i think the chore of being a human every day is really hard. (which is why they should put celexa in the water supply).

i am lucky. my lows don't wipe me out completely, and i'm still able to function. i never hurt myself or others and don't do anything especially self-destructive. i  have no plans to. any of that. i'm in control.

it's mostly just that the gnawing voice telling me i can't, i'm not, i shouldn't, i haven't...starts winning for a while. so i'm super critical of everything about myself and don't let anything go. my deep dark fears that i'm bad at life or dumb or weak or not good enough for the people around me get a featured spot in my head. and the anxiety wins. i envision all kinds of awful things happening beyond my control and it feels terrible. 

and i lose my filter. all the awful things in the news. things that people are suffering with, inflicting upon each other...it all comes at me undiluted when i'm in this low place. 'oh, women are being raped and murdered and sold and under-valued every day just for being women?' well, i'm a woman and i don't know what to do with all those feelings when i'm feeling too weak to fight, other than feel crushed by them.

and being picked on constantly, even by the voice in my head (maybe especially by the voice in my head?) wears me out. and for me, this shows up as me being distracted, irritable, distant, quiet, unmotivated and slow. 

but i don't really go for slow. i think the faster the pace, the more i can chase away these demons. 

and i don't allow myself to be sick or sad or less than all the things i have to be on a daily basis. so it takes me a while to work through these low times. because i keep going at my breakneck speed and throw more plates in the air to juggle. and i keep trying to meet everyone else's needs because i think my value lies in serving other people and if i stop any of it for a second...it'll be too quiet and all i'll hear is that voice telling me i suck. and i'm afraid once i go still, i might not be able to get back up again. 

but every time i have one of these 'episodes,' eventually, i have to face it. cry, yell, see a therapist. whatever it takes. i have to crawl back out of it and conclude that a) i probably don't suck as much as i think and b) even in the ways that i am lacking, it's ok. perfection is ludicrous. everyone sucks a little. it's human to suck. 

so. why am i sharing this with you now? superb question, the internet. why am i bumming everyone out and making it all about me even more than usual? 

i'm asking myself the same thing. i've stopped writing this post about 9 times already. 

but i'm writing it for the same reason i talk about my painful anal out-pouchings. 

maybe it could help someone. maybe someone reads my posts and flinches at the crazy parenting mistakes i've made or laughs at the revelations i've had along the way. maybe my describing my 'roids saved someone else the freak out in the shower of WHAT THE BLERG IS THAT HANGING OUT OF MY ...

i have confidence that i'll come through it. and i'm experienced enough in this draining, personality-wiping experience to know when to wave the white flag and ask for help. 

but it's hard. if you're out there and you're reading this thinking supportive thoughts toward me, thank you. if you're out there and your'e thinking that you feel that way sometimes, i'm sorry. i hate that you're hurting. i hope you're able to get through it. i'm here for you and will try to help if you'll let me. we can find ourselves again together. 

alright. i'm off to bed. sleep helps loosen the grip of the sad. as does sunshine (check), good friends and family (check, check), exercise (ok, fine. will check soon), good food (check), and vacation (check later this week). and the most helpful in lifting big heavy funks- God. i'm going to lean on Him for a while. i know he can support my weight. i'll even try to be still and quiet long enough to hear Him if He still wants to talk to someone who sucks. 

(from what i've gathered, He does).