I Am So Excited to Meet One of My Favorite People

so, robb and i went down to new orleans last weekend. i went down a few days early to attend a PA conference. this was the day after another fruitful therapy session where i was told that i have to let go of loss and look forward to life. so i wrote this letter to God on the plane on my laptop and wept (hopefully quietly, the plane was packed)...

God-

You know my heart and my crazy, anxious mind. You know that I am struggling with fear over whether or not I will ever become a mom. Am I meant to get pregnant ever? And if I do, will it be successful? Was there anything I did wrong with the last one? Was that my baby? My only shot? What will pregnancy be like if I am able to have it? Do you want me to have it? Will I survive birth? What if the baby doesn’t make it to birth or doesn’t make it long after birth? There’s so many chapters on death in my catalogues of fears, aren’t there? And I’m trying to convince myself that my biggest issue right now is getting pregnant in the first place and that if I was truly paralyzed by fear of losing the baby in one way or the other, I wouldn’t be trying to get pregnant? Doesn’t that make sense? Will I be especially grateful and excited for my pregnancy when it finally comes or will I be a ball of nerves? I know I have the tendency to be a bit anxious/neurotic/Mrs. Crazy pants, but it’s well-founded, right? Or maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe inner peace is required for this even if it seems illogical. Faith is illogical. But maybe I need to have faith that You have me in your big hands and you’ll keep the pieces of me together. Even trying to make statements like that to you, I want to add caveats like “in time” or “if it’s your will” or “if/when You decide it’s the right thing.” I guess I’m afraid of demanding or expecting or faithfully waiting for something from you because I don’t want to test you, I don’t want to be disappointed by you. I also don’t want to assume that You want this for me. “For my own good” You might have plans for me to be childless. Or, the other large open option is adoption. Is that what you want for me? Take one of your already-angels? One with Down’s, perhaps? Please tell me what You want. You know that I am kind of slow. I love you. I do know that you’re holding me. And, please correct me if I’m putting Words in your Mouth, but I feel like I’ve heard from You that You want me to get pregnant and have my own birth child. And I would thank You a lot for that opportunity and honor. But if I’m not listening well and that is not what you want, please make apparent what it is that you’ll have from me. Because as of right now I am willing. Whatever you need me to do or be, I can and will. I will mother anyone you need me to, even if that just means loving on the people I know and giving them Your love. But I do ask that You give me some guidance. I’m listening. I’m trying. I am so thankful for the man who loves me so much…who trusts and knows me as I trust him and know him. What a blessing. And our amazing, miraculous families. Such an example of You. And THANK YOU for giving me the gifts of education and knowledge so that I might help my family when they need medical help. And thank You for the opportunity to be a patient. To see what it’s like on the other side of things. Please help me to enhance my compassion and abilities so that I might serve better. Thank You for the pregnancy that I did have. I focus so much on its loss, on the disappointment, the let-down when the potential was not completed. But thank You for letting life live in me even for a short while. Please hold and bless that soul for me. My snow pea is in good hands with You. Maybe Kirsten knows her. They can be bald together.

smh


and then later i cried over a news story about guide dogs. and then later i cried over a bagel. and then i noticed that my breasticles were pretty sore for just any-ol' PMS and that my temp was staying up where it was supposed to be for good things to be happening...and that, although i felt kind of sick to my stomach, i was also famished all the time...by saturday i was pretty convinced that i was pregnant. confident. sure. i just felt different. i didn't rush out for a pg test (as is my usual reaction to any abnormalities in my cycle- see below, or below, or below that). i was so sure that God was there with me and this was real and happening...but when we got home Sunday night, need-to-know for work safety stuff and desire-to-verify won and i took a test. and it was positive. i started sobbing and robb and i cuddled for a long time, holding each other and crying. i am so happy. and blessed. grateful, ecstatic.

and calm. it's strange, but i only took just the one test. and i've stopped taking my temp to make sure it stays up. and i'm not keeping this quiet like a responsible-minded person might, i'm blabbing it to everyone. i feel so sure. so solid. this is my little person growing in me. and i want to meet them. (i'm using "them" like kids with bad grammar do because i hate having to use him/her...and also because there's, like, a 10% chance this will be multiples!). i'm so thrilled and content and relieved. bring 'em on. i'll have a litter. i don't care. then i could have my own reality show.

so, yea. i'll keep you posted. but right now i'm floating on a cloud.

thank you, God.

HUMOR. Please. God. Let there be HUMOR!

laughing is the answer to everything.

seriously.

so here are some jokes about infertility from fertilityplus.org. i like them. they're randy.

How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .

You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .

Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body.
The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?"
"The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"
(oooooohhhh!!)

you're welcome. :)

Well, It's Official...

last week my sweet robb heard a story on NPR about how couples who have experienced a miscarriage are more likely to split up. so he left me.

no, just kidding. (soooo not funny, right?) but he did wonder if we shouldn't see somebody to help get us through this. we've done well, i think, and our marriage is stronger than ever...but we've also had some very dark cloudy days. especially me.

i was torn, since seeing a therapist means you're admitting you're broken enough that you can't fix yourself, but it can also be a proactive way to try to stay sane and keep relationships strong. also, having had a positive experience in high school seeing a therapist to get me through some teenage drama/depression, i knew it could be really helpful.

and then earlier this week while talking to some coworkers, i found myself, against my will, really, bitterly assessing the fate of all us infertile professional women everywhere and going on and on (and on) about how gyn's should be preparing those of us who decide to put off children to have careers that we will all but CERTAINLY have fertility problems, etc, etc.

and it wasn't fair, or even accurate, this diatribe i was on. one of the girls i was talking to is on her second kid and she didn't start until her early 30's and has had zero problems conceiving. and the other girl is in her mid-30's and hasn't attempted yet and i'm SURE i'm not helping her anxiety by voicing my own terrors. they kind of looked at me like i was a manic debbie downer. and i decided maybe it was time to get some help.

so we went this morning to see a local psychologist. he's not too into psychoanalysis and seems very straight-forward. didn't want to delve too much into my deep dark fears, saying that they seemed well-founded. he called what i'd been through with losing the baby and the sickness and everything "trauma." it felt sort of nice to hear him say that. like validation.

and he thinks we're functioning as a couple beautifully- supporting and carrying each other, and obviously talking to each other about all the elements of this shitty situation all the time. he almost didn't think we were crazy enough for more therapy (how does he stay in business, reassuring people of their mental wellness?!) but we might meet with him once or twice more. i worry that even if all goes well and the clomid works and i get pregnant, pregnancy will be really scary for me. my only experience has been heart break. and when i was pregnant the first time and everything was going well- i was worried about a miscarriage then just based on stories i've heard, things i've seen, statistics....well now i know just how bad it is and how the promise of a baby can just fall away at any time...i guess that i worry about my worry. (a wig for his wig).

i recognize that this has left me a slightly more hostile, embittered version of my former self. but i feel good that a trained professional thinks that we are fine and that i am mostly intact still and that we didn't really impress him with our own personal flavor of crazy.

next time i'll have to go dressed as princess leia and pushing a pumpkin in a stroller insisting that it's my baby. or maybe it would be more effective if i put a onesie on a cat...

Just Dull Now

clomid didn't really bother me with any side effects. i've been feeling fine, although i totally let myself go as far as weight loss efforts are concerned. need to stop eating leftover Easter candy and start eating vegetables. i took about a month off of running after the half marathon, but have already run twice this week, and i'm feeling good.

and i'm feeling kind of 'meh' on the whole pregnancy thing. it's been almost 3 months since i had any real chance of getting pregnant (since it appears i was ovulation-less (anovulatory) over the last 2 months) and i was not even having periods or anything to break up the monotony.

so i just kind of feel like i'm over it. like i'm taking the clomid because it's the next step and all, but i don't feel any optimism what so ever. i will be absolutely shocked if i get pregnant, because i'm convinced that it's just not meant to happen. too many negative tests will do that to you, i guess.

and i'm either numb or bored, because that doesn't even bother me right now. even talking to the pg women at work about their impending births is only giving me vague pangs of pain. nothing sharp or cutting anymore. and when i first miscarried they all looked at me with pity and seemed to try to tread lightly around me, but now i think everyone has forgotten what happened. (i mean, it's been 8 months!) or maybe they assume that since i'm not pregnant again already, we decided to take a year off or something.

and that's just what i'm considering doing. i made a deal with myself that if i get through 3 months of clomid without success and we're starting to talk about IUI and other methods, i'll just go back on the pill and take a year off. and buy a horse. :) i recently started taking riding lessons (rode/competed as a kid and owned horses and have always missed it) and it has been a great distraction. and if i had my own horse, it would be a good thing on which to focus my energy.

i just know that i need a break from this. something to pull me out of this rut. something i can have fun with and maybe even find success in.

(and maybe i will just end my sentences with prepositions for fun. what's it to you?)

so we'll see.