Just Dull Now

clomid didn't really bother me with any side effects. i've been feeling fine, although i totally let myself go as far as weight loss efforts are concerned. need to stop eating leftover Easter candy and start eating vegetables. i took about a month off of running after the half marathon, but have already run twice this week, and i'm feeling good.

and i'm feeling kind of 'meh' on the whole pregnancy thing. it's been almost 3 months since i had any real chance of getting pregnant (since it appears i was ovulation-less (anovulatory) over the last 2 months) and i was not even having periods or anything to break up the monotony.

so i just kind of feel like i'm over it. like i'm taking the clomid because it's the next step and all, but i don't feel any optimism what so ever. i will be absolutely shocked if i get pregnant, because i'm convinced that it's just not meant to happen. too many negative tests will do that to you, i guess.

and i'm either numb or bored, because that doesn't even bother me right now. even talking to the pg women at work about their impending births is only giving me vague pangs of pain. nothing sharp or cutting anymore. and when i first miscarried they all looked at me with pity and seemed to try to tread lightly around me, but now i think everyone has forgotten what happened. (i mean, it's been 8 months!) or maybe they assume that since i'm not pregnant again already, we decided to take a year off or something.

and that's just what i'm considering doing. i made a deal with myself that if i get through 3 months of clomid without success and we're starting to talk about IUI and other methods, i'll just go back on the pill and take a year off. and buy a horse. :) i recently started taking riding lessons (rode/competed as a kid and owned horses and have always missed it) and it has been a great distraction. and if i had my own horse, it would be a good thing on which to focus my energy.

i just know that i need a break from this. something to pull me out of this rut. something i can have fun with and maybe even find success in.

(and maybe i will just end my sentences with prepositions for fun. what's it to you?)

so we'll see.