Considering My Options

the way i see it, i have no control over if/when i get pregnant again and then, if i do- if i'll actually ever achieve a child out of a pregnancy. i mean, i can take steps for fertility and all, but getting pregnant and staying pregnant are clearly challenges for me. i guess i look at it like i do wedding engagement. a long time ago, after seeing a lot of engaged couples split up between the first and second rings, i decided that engagement doesn't mean anything until the wedding actually happens, so don't get too excited if a diamond gets tossed around...now i see pregnancy the same way. i'm not buying it until there's a birth certificate/marriage license.

the only thing i can control is that i can stop trying. and i'm considering doing that. not permanently, but for a year or two. go back on the pill and STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

this is only a partially hatched plan and isn't entirely endorsed by the one i love...and maybe (is probably) coming from an angry, emotional place, but anyway, here i go with the pros/cons:

pros- i can get rid of my mom-mobile station wagon and buy a sports car. we can pour a bunch of money into the house and vacations (Spain!? Italy?!) and pay off my loans. i can get my body back and stop looking like a pregnant woman when i am not one. and i want a break from taking these crazy hormone trips. i can stop feeling like my whole life is "pending" pregnancy and children and just live for a minute. while we wait, we can really reflect on our desire for natural vs adopted children and maybe make a more clear-headed decision. right now, i think i feel like i've been beaten and i need to conquer this thing that i can't seem to get right. not a real good reason to insist on having our own natural children instead of reaching out for kids already in need. i have a clipping in my wallet of an organization that handles international adoption for kids with Down Syndrome. maybe our calling lies there and not in my crappy graveyard of a uterus.

cons- i will be in my early 30's for my first child, if all goes well, and my mid-late for my second child, again if all goes well. although robb and i are in good health and all, and i think we'll stay young for a long time, i don't necessarily want to be the oldest parents in my kids' classes. plus, i'm pretty entrenched in this baby-making thing. i'm not even sure i can pull up now. and literally all of my friends are trying to have kids right now...so i'm not sure i'm ok with all of them having their first, maybe second children while i sit on my none. for years, as my peers started having kids, it didn't bother me much because we had decided to wait, but now being on a sort of forced wait might make baby showers for people i love pretty miserable. i don't want to put myself on hold if i'm just going to be bitter the whole time. i want to make it a choice. a commitment. find peace in it. and, of course, the clock ticks on, so each year, hell, each month, i wait makes it harder and harder for me to get pregnant and increases my likelihood for miscarriages and birth defects. joyful.

so that's the mental space i'm in right now. not a real charming environment. i also have to continue telling people at work about the miscarriage, since apparently (first time ever) gossip didn't spread far enough fast enough. and when they 'put their foot in their mouth' and ask how my pregnancy is progressing or congratulate me, i feel like i have to scramble to make them feel better. which sucks.

Surviving.. Strong...but Still Kinda Pissed Off

i can't decide which hates me more, my body or my God.
this feeling of emptiness
of bleeding someone else's blood
someone i was supposed to take care of
to provide a sanctuary
but instead
oh no
but instead
death and not life
seems like death is always my answer
in a time of year when everything grows and thrives
hard not to compare my barren self and lifelessness

and yet these dark thoughts are always followed closely by...
where is my gratitude?
this life, so charmed and charming
what right have i to complain?
so much good i've stumbled on
there is reason for gladness
and so i balance between
hearts and thorns,
vinegar and sugar.
i try my best.
i really am.


and all my people have been wonderful- between care package extraordinaire from my angel friends M & J, to lots of wine and flowers from my girls, to cookie bouquet and chocolate and hugs from my like-family coworkers, and wonderfully insightful and loving card from my in-laws....people have been amazing.

i feel like i'm drawing from the sympathy well a little too often this year, since it was just last august that flowers and hugs and food and love were pouring in when i was sick/miscarrying then.

but i swear i'll share my wine and sweets if you come to visit. but you'd better come soon. :)

Day 2- Domaine Mas du Bouquet Cotes Du Rhone 2008

so going back to work today and operating on someone to take the cancer out of their belly has me realizing (duh) that the world is moving on and that my problems aren't really so insurmountable. despite my idle threats to harm myself in increasingly dramatic and unrealistic ways (shark attack, robots vs wrestlers, dueling trains), you will find no suicide notes from me (Dear Cruel World, I am leaving you now to go be with Patrick Swayze. You understand. Love, Sarah).

tears and anger continue, but it's turning a little less desperate and a little more melancholy. and i always know things are turning in the right direction when i picture whatever dramatic crying fit i'm throwing as a scene in my movie. if fake cameras in my head are rolling, things are looking up.

two really cool articles i found yesterday i want to share with you.

remember back when i was talking about how much more acceptable the ideas of miscarriages and infertility are getting in the world of film and movies? and my favorite example (YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT) is the movie "Away We Go?" well, here's some discussion on the scene where the husband (chris messina) discusses the wife's (melanie lynskey) reaction to her 5th loss...while she pole dances with her clothes on. amazing, poignant scene.

and this is a review about a book called "motherhood lost" written by a feminist anthropologist about what bearing and losing children has meant over time in different cultures and how viewing it as a fetus politically doesn't entirely work when it's your own fetus you're losing, etc. the critique is really well written and i look forward to reading the book.

Take My Pound of Flesh, Please! (Really You Can Have All 8)

so, this morning i'm teary and angry. the anger has many sides, but the big ones right now are:

a- i was totally duped into thinking i was pregnant for almost a month after i wasn't. i feel like an idiot. or a crazy person. like i was making up all those symptoms. and did i will myself to not bleed because i was so convinced things were progressing along? that one seems kind of likely because as soon as i found out the baby had died, i started gushing blood and clots.

b- i am also angry that i told everyone i was pregnant- all gleeful and celebratory, now i'm having to come back, tail between my legs, to tell them it was a false alarm. and it means i'm dragging everyone i know through this shit with me. i think i was wrong to do that and if we try this again, i think i'll keep it under my hat until i'm crowning.

c- and i'm angry that i dared to hope. i was so certain that things were going smoothly and that God had my back on this one, i stopped taking my temp as soon as i found out i was pregnant. had i continued, it would have started falling and i would have known a lot sooner that things had stopped in there. instead, i just went on my merry way, eating and laughing and accepting congratulations and baby outfits from everyone. and eating.

d- i have gained 8 lbs of fake baby weight. this last weekend i actually looked like i had a bit of a baby bump, which is nuts, cuz at best i would have been only 9 wks....now i know it was a swollen uterus full of blood that was pouching me out. but my love handles and fat face prove there's more than just blood and water weight. i was eating with abandon, like i had something in me to support. and i swear i felt famished all the time. i think the hormones were still raging, like my body/mind hadn't quite agreed that their was death and not life in there and had continued begging me to feed it. so now i am round without anything to show for it. so i ran this morning and i'm now on weight watchers strictly. i'm not messing around- if i can't have a body that supports babies, the least i can do is have a babe's body.

somewhere under all these layers of anger and self-loathing, i am also aware of the blessing it was to be able to carry life in me, even for a little while- and twice! it's exciting and amazing and something i'll always remember, even if that's where it ends.

Sad Monday

so last night i had this dream that i was breast feeding. and it was totally vivid and amazing. i even included some specific details and frustrations like how one side worked better than the other, having to find places to hide to nurse in public, etc. i woke up smiling, feeling so certain that this was my truth, my near future.

and then this morning i started spotting, so i went to my OB this afternoon and the ultrasound revealed that, although i thougt i was at about 9 wks gestation, my baby had stopped growing at 5 wks and 6 days. there was no heart beat and it was much tinier than it should have been if growing all this time. this was pretty obvious pretty quickly. despite all the symptoms i've been having (sore boobs, constant peeing, starvation= 10 lb weight gain), i've been not pregnant for about a month now, just carrying on like a hormonal sucker as if i was. sigh.

and now i'm real bleeding. and real cramping. my OB says i won't need a D & C, but will just bleed out all the tissue on my own. and then, if we're up for it, we take a month off to let my uterus shed out all the bad juju and then can take clomid again to get the party re-started the next month.

not sure where we stand on that just yet. i am swinging every five minutes from "can't do this again, clearly body not meant to carry babies to term, better adopt" to "other people have had healthy kids after multiple miscarriages, this is just a fluke thing, don't be a pansy."

one thing i have no doubt about, though, is that i am going to have a child. not sure when or by what means, but i see him. i know he exists. and i still want to meet him.

after the doctor's office, robb and i came home and cried for a while and then we jumped on our bikes and road to get funny movies at the video store, then rode to get sushi. because i can. now we're home drinking wine. because i can.

and on the way home, we passed a mother walking with her toddler son. the sun was in my eyes and so i could really only make out the general outline of the child and hear his little voice. but i knew he was there. i guess that's how i'm feeling about my child right now. he's not in my belly. he's not imminent, but i can see him in the distance. he's fuzzy but you can't miss him.

Is There Anything Better Than Tartar Sauce? I Think Not.

8 wks along and feeling great!

still eating everything in sight and, unlike last time when i womited daily, NO NAUSEA!! which is wonderful. means i'm putting on some weight- haven't checked how much, but can see it in how my pants (don't) fit. when a concerned person asked yesterday if i was already getting fat, i said, "yea, but not baby fat yet. just regular fat." i won't have a baby bump for another 6-8 wks probably. cravings? fish sandwiches. mcdonald's, wendy's, burger king...not picky. WANT THEM ALL. robb has the mcdonald's fish fillet song as a ring tone, so i blame him. i'm trying to limit myself to once a week so i don't get mercury or fried breading toxicity.

also no spotting to date, which is also different than last time. i was reassured then that it's nothing other than placental implantation, but it's nice not to have to worry about that. and last time seemed to just crawl by, but these weeks have flown!

and i'm keeping my worries to a dull roar. (high five, self!). things are peachy and i am so THANKFUL.

t-minus 13 days until first ultrasound!

please enjoy a current picture of our baby (as i picture it in my head).

Mother's Day

...is a bitter sweet day for a lot of people i know. those who are trying and haven't achieved children can find it a slap in the face. those who have suffered losses can find it a painful reminder.

for my mom, when we were young it was a day when she got hand made crafts that always seemed to include tracings of our hand prints and frightening concoctions of "food" on a tray that we made her eat in bed (and probably left her with sticky sheets and a messy kitchen to clean up afterward). so hopefully it was kind of a fun day for her, but, as she has lost a child herself, i'm guessing it is also another one of those anticipated sad/happy days every year. but i guess when you're grieving that kind of loss, no holiday is really sad-free. maybe arbor day. or perhaps bastille day.

since we've been grown-up mature adult-types, we try to actually spoil our moms a bit each year. robb and i are very fortunate that our families live close and get along, so we all gathered for brunch and a movie. we cooked and cleaned up afterward, too (mostly). and i chatted with my grandmas on the phone. we have good mothers in our lives. great examples for me...and expert baby sitters for the future. :)

and as far as how i felt about my own personal mother's day? strange. i got really sweet texts and calls from some friends and family and even a few gifts (michigan state infant footie pajamas and a "future runner" onesie- it is, apparently, never too early to start indoctrinating your children).

i am on my way to becoming a mother, but i don't really feel like i am one yet. i want very much to hold that title securely, but this year it just feels premature.

part of that might be my nagging doubts and concerns (does that feel right? what if...? remember last time when...") that keep poking up. i have to be vigilant in swatting doubts away like flies...but like flies in africa in those "two-dollars-a-day-less-than-the-cost-of-a-cappuccino-feed-starving-babies-like-this-one-with-the-old-man-fat-stomach-poking-out-i-can't-believe-southpark-made-fun-of-this-with-their-starvin'-marvin-character-but-now-that's-all-i-can-think-of-when-i-see-those-ads-sigh" commercials where the kids just give up on swatting flies because there are so many flies and they just let them walk on their faces...like that, the doubts linger and pester.

but i have been working hard since i found out i am pregnant to stay very even and calm and positive and optimistic. but the dark, scary thoughts are always right there on the edges of my consciousness, trying to push their ways in.

i won't give the flies any more time or energy in describing them, because it is not fruitful. this pregnancy is unique and new and successful. all is well and i am moving forward and feeling great.

and t-minus 17 days until my first ultrasound. yippppppeeeee!!

so Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and will-be moms and have-been moms out there!

heaps of love atcha all.

Women Roar

so in the process of surviving the miscarriage and enduring months of infertility, i locked in with an amazing group of women who had been through some sort of infertility/pregnancy loss themselves. i have mentioned them a lot in this blog because their support has been invaluable to me and their demonstration of strength and selflessness is awe-inspiring.

and although i know from experience that learning a friend is pregnant brings you both joy for them and grief for your own yet childless state, as i have told them our news this week they have been amazingly kind and supportive. so loving and excited for us. again, selfless to the nth degree. amazing. i thank them a million times over.

but it occurred to me that not everyone who experiences the shit-storm of emotions associated with trying and failing to have a child has this same network. it's so helpful to have other people who share your experiences so that a) you know you're not crazy with your reactions to what's happening (or not happening) to you, and b) you can really be heard and understood in a way no one else can get you.

so i encourage anyone who is going through these agonizing experiences to reach out to each other. my church is cool and so recently started the group i attended...but i think this is pretty rare. so if your church or community or group of friends doesn't have a gathering like this, look to the interwebs for some info and guidance. MY WARNING- there are a lot of dire stories out there. you will hear people talk of painful years of no success or multiple losses, etc. those are some people's struggles, but that doesn't mean they will be yours. i found it challenging not to start to anticipate my own failures for the future as, i guess my empathy for their woes morphed into a personal catalog of fears. so be careful not to do that. because positive thinking is very important and very hard to maintain. make yourself read the success stories, too, ya know?

some sites i found helpful-

"Taking Charge of your Fertility" by Toni Weschler is a book with a software program that i used and liked and a webite that is very helpful. she does natural family planning with basal temperatures, cervical mucous, etc...and explains it all very clearly and comprehensively.

"Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake is a book about one woman's struggle with the gamete of fertility/miscarriage/adoption woes and how she deals with it and how God plays a role in everything. hannah is a woman in the bible who struggled with many years of infertility. the author gives many other examples from the bible and from individuals she knows. it is emotionally difficult to read parts of it, but it is also hopeful. and there is an online community with chat rooms and forums and such.

these on-line venues aren't as personal as family or friends, but you won't be disappointing any of these strangers by not bringing them grandchildren fast enough and you are less likely to hear stupid advice from them like "you know what you need to do? just get really drunk one weekend and you'll have enough sex you'll be sure to have your baby!" you can totally be yourself and spill everything you're going through because chances are good someone out there has been where you are and will get it. the one challenge is that they use crazy abbreviations for everything (BMS= baby-making sex, COW = Curse of Womanhood (menstruation), or FV= Fertile vibes). check out this site for translations.

if anyone else out there has any helpful books/websites, please add a comment to share with the rest of us.

smooches!