so going back to work today and operating on someone to take the cancer out of their belly has me realizing (duh) that the world is moving on and that my problems aren't really so insurmountable. despite my idle threats to harm myself in increasingly dramatic and unrealistic ways (shark attack, robots vs wrestlers, dueling trains), you will find no suicide notes from me (Dear Cruel World, I am leaving you now to go be with Patrick Swayze. You understand. Love, Sarah).
tears and anger continue, but it's turning a little less desperate and a little more melancholy. and i always know things are turning in the right direction when i picture whatever dramatic crying fit i'm throwing as a scene in my movie. if fake cameras in my head are rolling, things are looking up.
two really cool articles i found yesterday i want to share with you.
remember back when i was talking about how much more acceptable the ideas of miscarriages and infertility are getting in the world of film and movies? and my favorite example (YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT) is the movie "Away We Go?" well, here's some discussion on the scene where the husband (chris messina) discusses the wife's (melanie lynskey) reaction to her 5th loss...while she pole dances with her clothes on. amazing, poignant scene.
and this is a review about a book called "motherhood lost" written by a feminist anthropologist about what bearing and losing children has meant over time in different cultures and how viewing it as a fetus politically doesn't entirely work when it's your own fetus you're losing, etc. the critique is really well written and i look forward to reading the book.
Just remember that you are destined to a happy ending in your movie. Like you said (and what J continues to tell me)- it's not a matter of if, just when. And as much as it sucks... the when is in God's time, and not our's. stupid "God's time" ruining our plans!
ReplyDeleteAnd you can't leave to go be w/ Patrick Swayze... I would be jealous and jealousy doesn't become me! ;)
there is plenty swayze to go around.
ReplyDeletetoo soon!!
thank you for your smart, sweet advice. i just wish sometimes i could get a glimpse at God's day planner, don't you? maybe that's what people are trying to get from horoscopes and palm reading/tarot cards, etc.