Mother's Day

...is a bitter sweet day for a lot of people i know. those who are trying and haven't achieved children can find it a slap in the face. those who have suffered losses can find it a painful reminder.

for my mom, when we were young it was a day when she got hand made crafts that always seemed to include tracings of our hand prints and frightening concoctions of "food" on a tray that we made her eat in bed (and probably left her with sticky sheets and a messy kitchen to clean up afterward). so hopefully it was kind of a fun day for her, but, as she has lost a child herself, i'm guessing it is also another one of those anticipated sad/happy days every year. but i guess when you're grieving that kind of loss, no holiday is really sad-free. maybe arbor day. or perhaps bastille day.

since we've been grown-up mature adult-types, we try to actually spoil our moms a bit each year. robb and i are very fortunate that our families live close and get along, so we all gathered for brunch and a movie. we cooked and cleaned up afterward, too (mostly). and i chatted with my grandmas on the phone. we have good mothers in our lives. great examples for me...and expert baby sitters for the future. :)

and as far as how i felt about my own personal mother's day? strange. i got really sweet texts and calls from some friends and family and even a few gifts (michigan state infant footie pajamas and a "future runner" onesie- it is, apparently, never too early to start indoctrinating your children).

i am on my way to becoming a mother, but i don't really feel like i am one yet. i want very much to hold that title securely, but this year it just feels premature.

part of that might be my nagging doubts and concerns (does that feel right? what if...? remember last time when...") that keep poking up. i have to be vigilant in swatting doubts away like flies...but like flies in africa in those "two-dollars-a-day-less-than-the-cost-of-a-cappuccino-feed-starving-babies-like-this-one-with-the-old-man-fat-stomach-poking-out-i-can't-believe-southpark-made-fun-of-this-with-their-starvin'-marvin-character-but-now-that's-all-i-can-think-of-when-i-see-those-ads-sigh" commercials where the kids just give up on swatting flies because there are so many flies and they just let them walk on their faces...like that, the doubts linger and pester.

but i have been working hard since i found out i am pregnant to stay very even and calm and positive and optimistic. but the dark, scary thoughts are always right there on the edges of my consciousness, trying to push their ways in.

i won't give the flies any more time or energy in describing them, because it is not fruitful. this pregnancy is unique and new and successful. all is well and i am moving forward and feeling great.

and t-minus 17 days until my first ultrasound. yippppppeeeee!!

so Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and will-be moms and have-been moms out there!

heaps of love atcha all.