Considering My Options

the way i see it, i have no control over if/when i get pregnant again and then, if i do- if i'll actually ever achieve a child out of a pregnancy. i mean, i can take steps for fertility and all, but getting pregnant and staying pregnant are clearly challenges for me. i guess i look at it like i do wedding engagement. a long time ago, after seeing a lot of engaged couples split up between the first and second rings, i decided that engagement doesn't mean anything until the wedding actually happens, so don't get too excited if a diamond gets tossed around...now i see pregnancy the same way. i'm not buying it until there's a birth certificate/marriage license.

the only thing i can control is that i can stop trying. and i'm considering doing that. not permanently, but for a year or two. go back on the pill and STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

this is only a partially hatched plan and isn't entirely endorsed by the one i love...and maybe (is probably) coming from an angry, emotional place, but anyway, here i go with the pros/cons:

pros- i can get rid of my mom-mobile station wagon and buy a sports car. we can pour a bunch of money into the house and vacations (Spain!? Italy?!) and pay off my loans. i can get my body back and stop looking like a pregnant woman when i am not one. and i want a break from taking these crazy hormone trips. i can stop feeling like my whole life is "pending" pregnancy and children and just live for a minute. while we wait, we can really reflect on our desire for natural vs adopted children and maybe make a more clear-headed decision. right now, i think i feel like i've been beaten and i need to conquer this thing that i can't seem to get right. not a real good reason to insist on having our own natural children instead of reaching out for kids already in need. i have a clipping in my wallet of an organization that handles international adoption for kids with Down Syndrome. maybe our calling lies there and not in my crappy graveyard of a uterus.

cons- i will be in my early 30's for my first child, if all goes well, and my mid-late for my second child, again if all goes well. although robb and i are in good health and all, and i think we'll stay young for a long time, i don't necessarily want to be the oldest parents in my kids' classes. plus, i'm pretty entrenched in this baby-making thing. i'm not even sure i can pull up now. and literally all of my friends are trying to have kids right now...so i'm not sure i'm ok with all of them having their first, maybe second children while i sit on my none. for years, as my peers started having kids, it didn't bother me much because we had decided to wait, but now being on a sort of forced wait might make baby showers for people i love pretty miserable. i don't want to put myself on hold if i'm just going to be bitter the whole time. i want to make it a choice. a commitment. find peace in it. and, of course, the clock ticks on, so each year, hell, each month, i wait makes it harder and harder for me to get pregnant and increases my likelihood for miscarriages and birth defects. joyful.

so that's the mental space i'm in right now. not a real charming environment. i also have to continue telling people at work about the miscarriage, since apparently (first time ever) gossip didn't spread far enough fast enough. and when they 'put their foot in their mouth' and ask how my pregnancy is progressing or congratulate me, i feel like i have to scramble to make them feel better. which sucks.