It's Like Waiting to Run a Christmas Marathon on an TBA Date and Time

for reals.

waiting for labor to start is like waiting for Christmas morning when you're 10 years old and think that this might be the year you finally get the ________ you've been dying for (you can fill in the blank. mine was a pony. which i did get. i was a bit of a princess. i already know, you don't have to tell me. yours might have been a barbie dream house or a bb gun or a rosebud or whatever.)...anyway...you get the idea. i'm super excited and anxious and can't sleep and just want it to BE HERE ALREADY.

but it's also like preparing to run a marathon. which you are ready for and have been working toward but are also dreading because you know it's gonna hurt like hell and you'll want to give up half way through and some jerk 70 year old man is going to be lapping you as you struggle along (well, maybe not that one). there will be sweat and blood and tears. and perhaps a blister or two. and you will be wrung out and sore for ages afterwards. but, in this case, you can't even put a smarmy bumper sticker on your car declaring that you are one of the elite few who have finished a 26.2 mile race, because, you know, kabillions of people have given birth before you. sigh.

AND both this excitement and little bit of dread is not set for a predetermined date, but rather this unknown apocryphal moment will land sometime between the next 12 hrs and 3 weeks.

i am not so good at this waiting patiently thing. not so good at all.

I Am Officially One of THOSE Patients

damn.

i thought i was in labor. i've been having crampy cramps for days (though irregular, yes) and today i had a 'change in my vaginal discharge' that seemed watery and different.

convinced. CONVINCED! that i would at THE LEAST be dilated and well on my way to active labor, i called my Ob and went in to get checked.

and....nothing. not a thing. no change. negative, negative, negative.

he didn't care. my regular appt was tomorrow and so it was no skin off his nose to check me a day earlier. better safe than sorry. but there's a big chunk of skin off my nose. i am getting impatient to meet this kid and to stop being pregnant.

and i feel like a crazy person. i do NOT want to be one of those idiot patients who goes in at every pang certain that she felt the baby's hand poking out her hooha. i am not due for 2 more weeks and this is my first. i probably won't have it for another month. and all these "cramps" i'm having are just psychosomatic wishful thinking.

balls.

but, as far as we know, baby is healthy and well and for this i am grateful.

now if you'll excuse me, i am going to go sprint around the block and then eat some pineapple with hot sauce on it while taking a black cohosh castor oil enema.

There Is Shit Coming Out of My Nipples (TMI Alert...Too Late, I Guess...Heh)

so i, uh, have this, umm, friend...who was recently getting jiggy wit' her husband. we'll call him "nobb."

and, they were, you know, sharing a moment, and suddenly (she claims), THERE WERE DROPS OF THICK WHITE STUFF around them. and they. were not. his.

"nobb" just kind of rolled with it, didn't seem to stress him out too much, but my friend, she lost it. she swore plentifully and sort of rocked back and forth chanting "this is so messed (did not use the word "messed") up. nothing's ever come out of there before. this is so messed (again, a different word was used) up." and she vowed that she will never take her shirt off again. ever.

i am...i mean, she is hoping that this colostrum sighting bodes well for her future success in nursing...that there is now some evidence that both tats are working to achieve their biological function. but, psychologically, i am worried for my friend. i mean, if a few drops practically did her in, she is in for a world of hurt when these puppies are in full dairy farm mode.

good God.

Coming Up with My List of Insults to Fling at Robb While I'm in Labor...

bebe z feels like it's trying to crack out of me like an egg.

'things' seem to have moved down a bit. pelvic area pressure, maybe some cramping. nothing that i would qualify as a contraction from how they've been described to me (and in lore), but it does feel different than it has. nothing regular yet, though, and have not yet had to question, "did i just pee my pants, or..."

waiting and relaxing, but bags are packed and ready to go just in case...

Moving Right Along...

wooooo!!! crazy! tomorrow, i will officially be at 37 weeks, or "full term." meaning, that the baby can safely come anytime and will definitely come within the next 5 weeks. 40 weeks (official due date) is june 8th and the powers that be will only let me go to THE LATEST 42 weeks (complications arise any later than that...like having to push a 15# baby out with a full beard and size 10 feet...and also, seizures and shoulder dystocia).

people keep telling me "wow, you're pregnancy has gone so fast! i can't believe you're done already." really? heh.

i am having trouble sleeping not just because i'm waking up to pee every hour, getting leg cramps, and every time i shift from side to side it feels like there's an aggrevated little person in there plummeting through space and landing on my critical organs...but ALSO now my abdominal wall feels really thin and vulnerable. like something is trying to push out forcefully out the front. this scene keeps running through my head.

so, at this point we're just waiting. waiting. waiting. like i'm listening for my pager to go off or for the phone to ring or something. excited! scared! but more excited!

"Makin' Super Sexy Heat...Your Mom and Dad Been Doin' It, and Baby, You are the Receipt"

Memo to My Future Self

so, you know how there's this trend in society to have more than one kid? this is not like having more than one piece of cake. that is just sensible. no, this is lunacy. and again and again i'm told that the reason people indulge in this severe lapse of judgement is that they forget how bad labor was, forget how bad pregnancy was and just fall in love with their adorable progeny and want more.

well, i am not going to fall for it. i will not let myself forget, because i will write it all down on this here blog and i will have all of you (hi, mom!) as witnesses to keep me honest. if, say, in 2 or 3 years my beloved and i gaze at our spawn with fondness and remember back on the early days of infancy with pangs of longing, it is YOUR job, readers, to point me back to this post and to shake me out of it. use force if necessary. start giving me pamphlets on the merits of adoption or statistics on how successful only children turn out to be later in life.

so here is a short list of what i might forget when no longer pregnant, about pregnancy. acknowledging that i have had a kickass, easy pregnancy, these are still all things i have and continue to experience. i obviously don't have a list of labor complaints yet, but will soon. without further ado,

"Dear Sarah, Don't Be an Idiot...This is For Your Own Good"

1. you have to pee ALL the time. i mean, like sit down on the toilet to pee, go, wipe, stand up and flush and have to pee again.

2. if you work full time, which you do now and likely will then, you will have constant back pain. your lower back aches when sitting, standing, and lying and only feels reasonably ok when you're hobbling/waddling like a fat old arthritic man.

3. your feet will be excruciatingly painful until the heel part just goes numb. at this point, you can walk across hot coals and not really feel it, but only up until the arch. arch and toes are still free to burn like hell. and, unless you're wearing compression socks all the time (recommend), your feet will swell to look like pig hooves. and you can't reach them to polish/cut your toenails, so you'd better have someone close to you who is willing to deal with your pig toes.

4. your boobs will get ridonculously big. like hard to contain and harness in a thing you would still call a "bra" big. it will take 2 hands to lift one up to wash under it, which you will have to do with your toes or by holding a washcloth in your mouth or something. and the areolas will look....terrifying.

5. your belly button will flatten or even poke out, making body shots impossible. you will notice that the inside of your belly button is a darker hue than your tummy skin and you will scrub it raw thinking there's something unfriendly in there, but eventually just realize it's no man's land with laws of its own, best to be left alone.

6. your body does not look like anything you ever knew before. it has morphed into this large doughy version of your former self, and rather quickly. some people find pregnant women sensual and extremely womanly and all that. i'm sorry, i think i look best when i'm at my ideal weight and my chin(s) is up above my neck meat where it belongs and my boobs are restrained and can fit inside normal people clothes and i can actually visualize my lady parts under a moderately flat stomach. there you have it.

7. oh, lady parts. sigh. hang in there.

8. you will get hemorrhoids. this involves searing pain, poo, and blood. need i say more? if you're LUCKY you will work in surgery and have a kind coworker willing to cut them out for you. so, if you're LUCKY you will have the tenderest part of your body carved into and one of your peers seeing your holiest of holies. if you're lucky. if not, they'll go away eventually. good luck with that.

9. braxton hicks- you will have these "pre-contraction" contractions all throughout your pregnancy where your whole torso seizes up and makes it hard to breathe for a while and then lets go, just to do it all again a few minutes later. you will also get kicked under the ribs and have your bladder bounced upon. these are rather endearing because you know it's your kid up in there frolicking around, but nonetheless, not the most comfy experiences.

10. this is all later pregnancy stuff. in early pregnancy, you will feel motion sick all of the time for months. and none of your go-to foods will sound good at all. your sense of smell is off the charts and you might straight up reject your spouse from your life because you cannot handle the way his left arm smells. and you don't know why he insists on brushing his teeth with cow dukey.

11. speaking of your spouse, forget sex while pregnant. i mean, it is possible and it is safe and every blue moon it actually sounds appealing...but betwixt the full bladder, hemorrhoids, nausea, and body issues, you're better off just writing him an enormous I OWE U for sometime down the line. maybe this is actually why people start working on having another kid a couple years after the first. maybe that's when they finally get back into the saddle.

12. everything is hard to do. moving becomes a chore. you have to plan how you'll get out of a chair or bed or on/off the toilet. breathing is difficult. and people will laugh at you as you lug your two-ton self around. and all you really want to do is lie around and sleep anyway. like a manatee. people will also feel free to ask you how much weight you've gained, give their opinions on how you're carrying and the sex of the baby based on the fatness of your head. you will try to be gracious, but you will be then weighed down further by the guilt of having planned their deaths in your head.

13. that's pretty much it. and remember, of course, that all these symptoms you will experience only if you are lucky enough to actually get and stay pregnant. fertility issues and miscarriages are always a risk and the threat of them will lay heavily on your psyche. joy.

14. AND, most importantly, when you already have one and you go to have a second, you can't just shelf the first one while you're going through all these pregnancy woes. you have to be chasing a toddler WHILE mopping up bleeding hemorrhoids and walking on only the front half of your feet and peeing in every public bathroom in the city.

so there you have it. a friendly reminder to my future self on why to keep the goalie in the goal and not get snared by revisionist history.

Happy Mothers' Day to All Those Current, Past, Future, and Hopeful Mums

mothers' day 2011 and i'm 30 days from due date.

i got a lot of well wishes for mothers' day. i didn't really expect that, since i don't much feel like a mom yet. although i am starting to have frequent, vivid dreams about the baby (it's a boy in my dreams), and i feel a lot of reassuring movement every day, but it still seems sort of surreal and unsure and far off. and scary. i still worry that anything could go wrong. my prayer has become "please keep the cord free of the neck." this is the kind of thing that keeps me awake at night.

and, consequently, i'm still holding my breath and not fully charging in on some things....like i have the nursery all set up...except that i can't bring myself to take anything out of its packaging for fear it might have to be returned if (dark and ominous music here) something happens. it looks like a baby ikea bedroom in there...livable, until you look closer and see that everything has a pricetag on it.

but still, i am allowing myself to hope and get excited over the prospect of a healthy little one, so we have been making progress checking items off our to-do list. and each item we complete makes me feel better and more prepared.

cord blood donation process nearly complete, life insurance application nearly complete, all the stuff we'll require for the first few weeks of bebe's life, here or soon to arrive, diaper service arranged, will and POA nearly complete, daycare selection still in the works but getting closer, maternity leave nearly completely arranged with work....it's all coming together.

there are so many things to think about. and i know we're tending toward the overly-prepared, neurotic end of the spectrum (d'uh), but i want to be able to relax and focus and enjoy when the bebe is out and among us and not be worried about all these other things.

it just might mean that my sister is doing a lot of baby laundry the first few days of life. i think we can all handle that.

I'm Too Sexy for...Most of My Clothes...and Even Some Burlap Sacs

i'm popping under/out/around a lot of the maternity clothes now, too. nice. :)

and i had a patient ask me the other day, "you must really like beer, huh?" (looking at my giant beer belly).

and i'm getting asked more and more often at work if i'm sure i wouldn't like to wear an extra large surgical gown?

:)

and pics...these were taken a few wks ago by my sister, for a nursing school project. check out that linea negra! quite a specimen, right?:

Freaking Out, Episode 209

well, it's safe to say that i am an emotional ping pong ball right now. irritable at work, crying at home, exhausted.

my goal this weekend, since we were home with no real plans, was to "finish the nursery." you should see it still- pitiful.

part of it is that it is physically taxing to do almost anything at this point. getting out of bed, putting on socks, going to the bathroom, walking down the hall, etc. all momentous tasks. i'm a bit tired of feeling tired, i think.

and i am feeling overwhelmed by all that still needs to get done...nothing is finished off my list of things to check off and we have only 5 weeks (or less, if bebe comes early). somehow despite all the time and energy we've put in, and though we've made progress, nothing can be totally checked off.

and that makes me bonkers.

i'm tired when i get home from work and just want to lie like a fat zombie in front of the tv, but i have phone calls to make, appts to arrange, a house to attempt to put back together, blah, blah, blah.

whine and complain, i know. but i am still over all doing fine and feeling good and now there's some promise of sunshine and warmth, so that's good.

thanks for bearing with my case of the mondays. :)