Whining and Winning are Just Off by Just One Letter. Wait, No. Two Letters. Just the Two.

sometimes i get really tired and feel really bad for myself. and you know i hate to admit all this because, damn do i want to be a warrior, but i more want to be clear and honest on this blog so that when i look back, i can really see what this time was like. 

so, this day during this time, i am exhausted. my work is exhilarating and challenging and rewarding but sometimes leaves me feeling zapped and like i've given near all i can give by day's end. but day is not actually anywhere near ending, because then i pick up my two beautiful need machines who immediately need every part of me ON at once. and then that kinetic frenzy happens until bed, the process which takes somewhere between 1 and 2 hours, and then at least 1 if not both of them is back up a few hours later and on throughout the night. anna hates sleep. i like sleep, i think. i can't really remember, but somewhere in my hazy memories, i think i felt good about sleep. but perhaps i just remember seeing a picture of myself sleeping and so i'm creating the memory that i've slept. 

anyway. she and i are trying to meet somewhere in the middle. 

and then there's all the side stuff we're doing (kinda sorta starting 2 (two) businesses, kinda considering a house renovation, etc)....i don't want to say no to anything, and so i just end up tired and feeling really bad for myself. 

here's a funny story, also illustrating where we're at in life right now. i can't believe i forgot to share this earlier. i made a note of it in my notes app on my phone the day it happened. it was the day of anna's birthday party. the notes says: 

-electrical fire

-henry closes anna's head in closet door

-henry smashes anna's hand with maraca

-there is ice growing over one of the electric plugs in the living room (not the one with the fire)

-henry drew with his poop (IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, MOM!)

-bloody bandaid

you know, i'm too tired to tell the story. you can pretty much fill it out from my notes. it'll be fun! like a really awful Mad Libs. anyway. no one was hurt. everyone survived. shit happens. laugh or cry. i choose laugh. but with lack of sleep sometimes it's a strained, maniacal laugh. must put lid on that crazy laugh. i'll make a note of it. 

 

YOU'RE MISSING IT. (No, I'm not. Go away)

i want to remember it all, i know this time of life with wee young kids who want to be with me all the time goes fast. i have heard friends with older kids say they long to just hold their children in their tiny states one more time. kiss tiny hands and hear tiny footsteps. i absolutely get that. these bite-size persons are incredibly sweet and amazing and will never be as connected to me as they are right now. so i love it, i pay attention. and i write it all down. and i truly am cherishing all the moments of sweet cheeks on mine and all the insanity and mess and loudness.

or, i'm trying. 

a few months ago i was Christmas shopping with anna in a carrier on my front and i took her over the see a fountain statue thing. she was mesmorized with it, so i answered texts and checked facebook and email and whatever else on my phone for a few minutes. then we were approached by these two women, probably in their 60's, who exclaimed how beautiful she was and how her little face was just lighting up as she enjoyed the fountain and how she just looked enchanted and enchanting! and...that i was missing it all. and that i really should look. and that i was missing it. and why wasn't i looking? the subtext was that i was bad and wrong for being on my phone instead of soaking up my daughter's happy moment. i know they walked away talking about me. and possibly other 'parents these days.'

i felt badly, as they'd intended. but i also felt a few other things. firstly, anna doesn't NEED me there to have her happy moment. she can do that all on her own. she can learn, she can grow, she can even fall and figure out how to get back up without my observing or sharing it with her. i am there to celebrate a lot of happy moments with her and to soothe her through a lot of sad or painful ones, but when she finds pleasure in a piece of mall art, she can have that all for herself sometimes. 

secondly- if my nose is in my phone instead of taking in all these moments with my kids, will i have regrets later in life? do they feel neglected? will i feel foolish? possibly. but i don't think so. i make an effort to be present with them and to put the damn phone down. sometimes that is hard, but i do it. but my phone, with its access to social media and opportunities to write, to develop and share my voice as a writer, as a funny person, as a friend to people all over the world- i value that, too. and maybe i haven't properly been dunked in the guilt bucket or something, but i'm ok with my kids knowing that i have other things going on besides them. they have my love. in a huge way. but i also love on other things, including myself, my time, and my pursuits of other relationships and hobbies and stuff. 

so...stranger ladies, after much consideration, i'm glad you got to see my daughter in a very happy moment. she's fantastic, isn't she? she's truly a delightful, lovely, amazing specimen. she probably made your mall experience that much more fun! 

but, you know, otherwise bugger off. 

(right?!)

Inner Peace, Just Add Oil

my self actualization is destroying my house. it's a total mess and i'm trying not to care.

all the good work that i'm doing on the inside to be patient with myself, loving and forgiving, less anxious, to keep my priorities in order and BELAX, MOMMY... all that puppies and sunshine and shit is interior and, consequently, leaving all the outside stuff in shambles.

here's why i bring it up. we threw anna's first birthday party this last weekend. that's right, 16 days after Christmas. because that's when her birthday is and sumbitch, it is what it is. so i sort of sent out invites and i sort of planned some foods and some drinks and some people to show up, but i less than half-assed the whole thing. i maybe 1/16 assed it.

so instinctively i feel guilty and worry that i'm failing my second born and she'll have inferiority complexes she can trace back to this first birthday that was supposed to be, like, circus-themed or something, based on the invite, but that boasted nary a clown or cotton typed candy or popcorn or balloon that wasn't on the floor and being kicked around by henry. there was no theme. there were no cute cupcakes with candy face parts made to look like animals. pinterest did not come to this party.

i (GULP) used boxed cake mix for the cupcakes (full disclosure, losing zen points: we made our own ice cream, but it's something we do routinely so hardly counts against my chill, right?!). i made no jungle juice. i bought beer. i bought anna exactly 1 thing for her birthday. (full disclosure, losing zen points: it was a book that i had made online about her 1st year of life and it's adorable and she'll treasure it always. crap). i put up some really weak decorations. with electrical tape. (see above)

but OVERALL i belaxed more and fretted less. i just didn't feel like worrying about everything.  there will be future birthdays when she's into the theme and i will stop at nothing to find her a real centaur to ride around the yard. or whatever. but she's one. she ate the boxed mix cupcakes and the balloons on the floor and was happy with both and mostly didn't choke on either.

the house wasn't immaculately clean for my guests. it isn't going to be. i work a lot. robb works a lot. not only do we work at our jobby jobs, but we're also stewing around in some start-up business stuff and managing 2 small monkeys. the house isn't filthy, it's cluttered and so what, right? clutter means people are busy living life.

we're doing just fine at living life and if people see some evidence of that and worry about my clutter, that's on them, not me.

the progress i've made means that i don't care (as much) that things are chaotic and incomplete and messy. because 1) you can't always control what happens but you CAN control your reaction to it, that might mean re-setting your expectations so that you don't perceive yourself as always falling behind and 2) if something drives you crazy about yourself, you either work really hard to fix it until you see improvement or you laugh it off as one of your quirks and move on. like messiness- i'm laughing and moving on. and 3) i forget three. and i don't care.

i don't read many mom blogs, like at all. something about time and energy and lack of connection. also, i'm afraid it will turn out that all my words have already been said by someone else or that i am terrible at this and i don't want to know that. but one i do read and love is momastery. she talks a lot just being messy and choosing love over perfection. she made a great point today that "we think we're somehow being good parents if we beat ourselves up for every mistake." that's so astute. i think i think i'm supposed to feel bad for keeping things kind of simple for a 1st birthday party, when in reality, anna probably had a better time than if we'd added a bunch of stimulants and if i was bustling around all worried-like.

i want my kids to live simply and have be content with less. with fewer, more important things. i have to do that first so that they'll know how. and my guilt over this isn't love, it's distraction from love.

i haven't slept in a while, so if this all sounds goofy, my apologies. and if other mommy bloggers are saying it way better...i have cookies and i'm willing to share.

Happy 1st Birthday to Annabananapants!

our sweetest anna turns 1(one!) this week, so we got her first haircut and had her a birthday party this weekend.

she handled both beautifully. 

i really love this picture because it looks like baby's first tragus piercing or neck tattoo. but trust, mr. pete, hair stylest to the tiny stars, was just smoothing out some of the mullet around her ears. not sure what we're going to ultimately do regarding the hairs on this female child's head. my inclination is to keep it short-ish so that we never battle over brushing and save her that pain...until she's old enough to decide she wants long hair and all its associated hassle (in which case, we'll just add some bat poop and grow it into dreads).

the party was very fun, too. a bunch of friends and family came and played with and spoiled her. there was ice cream. there was cupcake. there was joy. there was also snow storm, so unfortunately, lots of folks who were planning to come were unable. we are seriously considering officially re-assigning her birthday to a summer month to prevent this from (most certainly) happening again in the future. that wouldn't mess her up for life too bad, would it? 

she's getting so fun. sweet and loving, she gives the best hugs. she continues to attempt to walk and is signing just a wee bit now, too. she still has the 4 teeth and eats really well. she is strong and fearless. she IS the brute squad. she has begun trying out temper tantrums to see how she likes them. so far she loves them!

she reaches for her brother all the time. they are absolutely the best together. the best. 

i'm a little nostolgic this week, thinking about this time a year ago. my mom used to always tell us our birth stories on our birthdays and i hated it until i loved it. 

so, this time, 1 year ago today, it was a sunday and i had just come home from book club. they all thought i was insane to be there, but i book club with a bunch of fellow PA's, so i figured if i went into labor they could figure something out. hot towels or whatever. i was due two days later and had completely been sure i would deliver before my due date and that i was done with work on friday when i left, so now that it was late sunday night and monday morning-and the need to set an alarm for it-was staring me in the face, i had to get the baby out! i was jumping up and down, thunder shaking the house, trying to hop the baby out in all my giant glory. i can't remember if robb and i made the love, but if we did it would have been national geographic style, but, like, when the hippo gets all confused and finds herself accosting an antelope and the antelope is just, like, 'well, it's probably safest if i just do what she wants because she sure seems mean and like she could eat me.' 

anyway. so we finally went to bed around 11:30 and i was just lying there all jazzed up, twitchy and feeling excited or worried or both. and then at midnight i pissed all over myself. but not. it was pretty clearly my water breaking, dramatically, all over my mattress. and then i kind of froze and forgot what to do next. robb jumped right up (because he's a hero AND because he was lying in amniotic fluid) and started throwing our stuff together and calling our people. our local adopted family who we cherish and require to keep our lives grand did not immediately answer their phones (midnight. sunday night) and were laughing this weekend at anna's birthday party about the voicemail i left that was something like, "hey, there. sorry to call so late. hope you are doing well. things are good here. my water just broke. i was wondering if you might be able to come sleep on the couch while henry sleeps so that we can go to the hospital...." so my mandy sped over in her jammies and headgear and lovingly sat on henry until my amazing mother drove ALL THE WAY from across the state (PS- she had just left our house and driven across state earlier that day) to be with him while i labored. 

love our people that keep us whole. 

and then my memory goes a little hazy but it's something like ouch and then more ouch and then peace and then anna. it's well documented elsewhere:(http://sarahandrobbbigtrouble.blogspot.com/2014/01/anna-made-all-ob-staff-bananas-but.html). 

all went well. and she was here and she is great.

blessings on this beautiful child and thanks to her for this wonderful year. it's been a whole lot of crazy fun. i suspect there will be more crazy and more fun to come.