well, i got a clean bill of health from my blood test campaign for post-miscarriages, shall-we-or-shan't-we attempt another pregnancy probing thing.
my genes were pretty clean, except that on a few of my little chromosomes, instead of having a normal XY, i had dropped or added X's. they said this was typical for someone of my age. my vintage. my stage of decrepitude. they said all that. or, if they didn't say it, they certainly were thinking it. :) but not to worry from that aspect. i have no higher miscarriage risk because of my particular DNA. so that's good.
also, i requested i get tested for clotting disorders and some connective tissue disorders and all that stuff came back negative, too. so that's also good.
it appears that there is nothing concrete that has caused these past miscarriages and no reason to assume there will be a high risk of having more of them.
so there's relief in this. doesn't mean i'm ready to get back up on that pogo stick yet, but there is relief. :)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Sunlight After the Storm
so the last few weeks were pretty rough between robb and me. i was punishing me. and him. and by way of him, me again. i kept wavering between wanting to hurt him and wanting to pull him in to cover me like a blanket. very confusing. and costly. he's extremely tough and can take it for the most part, but it has to wear a body out.
and it's bothered me that the miscarriage impacts him very differently than it has impacted me. where this sort of stopped me in my tracks and wrecked me for a while, he was sad and was worried for me, but seems to have mostly moved on. that's been hard for me to reconcile since i want to be in sync with him on everything, especially such important things. and i think i'm jealous that this...all of it...the trying, the carrying, the failing...doesn't consume him like it does me. it couldn't possibly. it's my body. my cycle. my blood. he's been right there, very supportive and loving, and on occasion unfortunately even having to deal with the messy stuff...but it's different for him. and that's hard for me.
so all this gets gobbed together and the house was a mess since my funny eastern european cleaning lady is on hiatus and...we had one big yelly screamy fight last tuesday. we purged a lot of demons, but it was not much fun.
gratefully, on wednesday we were leaving for a weekend up north, so we had lots of alone time to sift through all of it. in the 4 hrs in the car we debriefed about the fight and put all the issues out there, honest and brutal, and had to work through it. and all weekend it was mostly just the two of us, so we just talked and talked and talked, went bike riding and giggling all over mackinac island, took long walks through the woods, shopped and ate, visited family a little, and slept a lot. and by the end of it, we were us again. which is wonderful.
i don't underestimate the toll infertility and pregnancy loss can have on couples. according to an article in USA Today this April, "For miscarriage...the likelihood of breaking up is 22% higher than for couples who have a successful pregnancy. " this rate goes up to 40% for couples who lived through a stillbirth. it's a good article. i recommend it. talks about how males/females face this loss differently and how it can pull couples apart if not careful.
and it's bothered me that the miscarriage impacts him very differently than it has impacted me. where this sort of stopped me in my tracks and wrecked me for a while, he was sad and was worried for me, but seems to have mostly moved on. that's been hard for me to reconcile since i want to be in sync with him on everything, especially such important things. and i think i'm jealous that this...all of it...the trying, the carrying, the failing...doesn't consume him like it does me. it couldn't possibly. it's my body. my cycle. my blood. he's been right there, very supportive and loving, and on occasion unfortunately even having to deal with the messy stuff...but it's different for him. and that's hard for me.
so all this gets gobbed together and the house was a mess since my funny eastern european cleaning lady is on hiatus and...we had one big yelly screamy fight last tuesday. we purged a lot of demons, but it was not much fun.
gratefully, on wednesday we were leaving for a weekend up north, so we had lots of alone time to sift through all of it. in the 4 hrs in the car we debriefed about the fight and put all the issues out there, honest and brutal, and had to work through it. and all weekend it was mostly just the two of us, so we just talked and talked and talked, went bike riding and giggling all over mackinac island, took long walks through the woods, shopped and ate, visited family a little, and slept a lot. and by the end of it, we were us again. which is wonderful.
i don't underestimate the toll infertility and pregnancy loss can have on couples. according to an article in USA Today this April, "For miscarriage...the likelihood of breaking up is 22% higher than for couples who have a successful pregnancy. " this rate goes up to 40% for couples who lived through a stillbirth. it's a good article. i recommend it. talks about how males/females face this loss differently and how it can pull couples apart if not careful.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Fertility Miracles in Geriatrics
so, i know i've been bemoaning the fact that i'm almost 30 and all my little eggs have hatched and my fertility chances are going down every year, nay, every moment!! but....in the news we are hearing all the time about 40-50 year old women getting pregnant. at conception, we have kelly preson (47), holly hunter (47), susan sarandon (46), beverly d'angelo (49), geena davis (48), etc, etc.
you have to presume that they used fertility help, but still. miracle, right!?
but can it ever be pushed too far? what's the age upper limit that's acceptable? an article today discusses a case in india of a 66 y/o mother of preemie triplets after IVF (a donor egg and her 70 y/o hubbie's sperm). her doc sees nothing wrong with it and has successfully impregnated a 70 y/o woman with the same method. so we're looking at the risks for mom and babe at that stage in life and the projected life span of the parents (63.7 in india), among other issues.
here is the article. it's very interesting. read and post comments to discuss.
you have to presume that they used fertility help, but still. miracle, right!?
but can it ever be pushed too far? what's the age upper limit that's acceptable? an article today discusses a case in india of a 66 y/o mother of preemie triplets after IVF (a donor egg and her 70 y/o hubbie's sperm). her doc sees nothing wrong with it and has successfully impregnated a 70 y/o woman with the same method. so we're looking at the risks for mom and babe at that stage in life and the projected life span of the parents (63.7 in india), among other issues.
here is the article. it's very interesting. read and post comments to discuss.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
But Some People Can Be So Kind
most people i know seem to have forgotten my recent loss or are retiscent to bring it up. i understand why. it's sad and unpleasant and awkward to know what to say. every day at work i'm party to many happy conversations among and about pregnant women and few recognize that i was recently one of them.
but yesterday, we were scrubbed and starting a case and the doctor started cracking jokes about the scrub tech, who is 12 wks pregnant right now (and due within a few days of my due date). before she responded, she grabbed my hand and asked, "are you ok if we talk about this? because we can change the subject. i know it must be hard."
it was such a relief, i almost cried. and since she'd addressed it, the conversation didn't bother me as much after that. i will always remember that she was so thoughtful.
sometimes it just takes that.
but yesterday, we were scrubbed and starting a case and the doctor started cracking jokes about the scrub tech, who is 12 wks pregnant right now (and due within a few days of my due date). before she responded, she grabbed my hand and asked, "are you ok if we talk about this? because we can change the subject. i know it must be hard."
it was such a relief, i almost cried. and since she'd addressed it, the conversation didn't bother me as much after that. i will always remember that she was so thoughtful.
sometimes it just takes that.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Might As Well Eat Some Worms
the theme this last week has been self-destruction. self-loathing. and i give you one guess as to who is winning the blame game right now. correct. me.
although my laser-like focus of hate and blame aimed at myself sometimes bounces off and hits the people closest to me...usually robb. poor guy. this weekend alone he's gotten everything from screaming to stony silence to lots and lots of tears. i make radical pronouncements all the time like, "you'd be better off finding another wife who can successfully have children with you. i wouldn't hold it against you" ( i totally would) to "i don't even want children anymore. let's just get fixed so we can stop worrying about all this." (i totally do).
i thought i had this internal war thing thing solved by working all the time. i worked 90 hrs of call last pay period and kept myself in this ragged, exhausted, survival-only status where i couldn't focus too much on anything. it didn't work very effectively. i just ended up crabby and mean and didn't make nearly as much $$ as i would have liked. and as soon as i'd slept off the fatigue, it all came back to me.
and i've been drinking a lot (when not on call). and this is part to blame for my increasing waist line. you'd think once the pregnancy hormones and cravings had died, my weight would come back down. or at least i'd be disciplined enough to stop eating garbage. but not so much. i think i've been finding comfort in food. and certainly booze. but none of my clothes are fitting and this is getting ridiculous. so i'm putting myself on a fruit juice/veg broth fast for at least 3 days. maybe more. and strictly no alcohol. clearly booze is not helping. after all, it is a depressant. part of this extreme diet restriction is again, punishment. sticking with the theme. trying to hurt myself for all the hurt i've caused me. (does that make any sense?). but part of it is wanting to get control over my body and do something loving and healthy for it. we've fasted often in the past for health/spiritual reasons, and we always do it very cautiously.
i would like to be exercising more, too. i tried to run this morning but am having such breast tenderness, i couldn't handle it and just walked briskly for a few miles. so, as with all things with trying to get/stay pregnant, this is a mystery. why, 3 wks after a miscarriage when i presumably bled out all the tissue that would be spiking my hormones, am i suddenly having breast soreness again? could it be phantom pain? going along with the dream i had AGAIN about breast feeding 2 nights ago? is it in my head? or am i PMS'ing? or do i still have retained tissue and need to address that? f**k if i know.
and i went to a reproductive genetic counselor this morning. it is possibly, since i have a sister with Down Syndrome, that i'm carrying a mutating gene and that is why i have been and might continue to miscarry. we're looking into that now...not because i want to avoid having a child with Down's, but because some 50% of those fetuses never make it to birth, and i DO want to avoid having further miscarriages. if i'm negative and robb's negative for chromosomal abnormalities, then maybe we look at autoimmune or other reasons why i'm not hearty enough to complete a pregnancy. or, we just try again in the future and hope for the best, taking precautions to attempt to maintain the pregnancy.
the "future" is an undetermined time for me right now. i have zero desire to be pregnant now, or in the foreseeable future. so we're sitting on it for now. this fall, we'll re-assess and decide if i we are prepared to give it another go or if i will take some more time off. meanwhile, we are considering adoption. that is becoming more and more appealing to me. but i'm clearly in no mental state to pursue anything right now.
so, all that being said... i want this blog to be a transparent look into my psyche and process. so i know i'm a total downer and i'm so sorry if i'm hurting instead of helping anyone out there. but these are my thoughts and feelings to date. this is what i'm dealing with.
they say time heals all wounds. and i know that's true. maybe in 6 months i will be 100% recovered from this trauma. all my anger will be gone, i will be good with God, and i can reflect back on it like a struggle i survived. but meanwhile, i have to live out each day of that "time." each minute. each hour. each visit with pregnant friends where all they talk about is the trials of pregnancy. live through each of my own due dates and would-be mile stones. the awareness that i should have a 3 month old right now. or at the very least, be celebrating getting out of my 1st trimester of pregnancy on attempt #2.
hurry up, time. get on with it.
although my laser-like focus of hate and blame aimed at myself sometimes bounces off and hits the people closest to me...usually robb. poor guy. this weekend alone he's gotten everything from screaming to stony silence to lots and lots of tears. i make radical pronouncements all the time like, "you'd be better off finding another wife who can successfully have children with you. i wouldn't hold it against you" ( i totally would) to "i don't even want children anymore. let's just get fixed so we can stop worrying about all this." (i totally do).
i thought i had this internal war thing thing solved by working all the time. i worked 90 hrs of call last pay period and kept myself in this ragged, exhausted, survival-only status where i couldn't focus too much on anything. it didn't work very effectively. i just ended up crabby and mean and didn't make nearly as much $$ as i would have liked. and as soon as i'd slept off the fatigue, it all came back to me.
and i've been drinking a lot (when not on call). and this is part to blame for my increasing waist line. you'd think once the pregnancy hormones and cravings had died, my weight would come back down. or at least i'd be disciplined enough to stop eating garbage. but not so much. i think i've been finding comfort in food. and certainly booze. but none of my clothes are fitting and this is getting ridiculous. so i'm putting myself on a fruit juice/veg broth fast for at least 3 days. maybe more. and strictly no alcohol. clearly booze is not helping. after all, it is a depressant. part of this extreme diet restriction is again, punishment. sticking with the theme. trying to hurt myself for all the hurt i've caused me. (does that make any sense?). but part of it is wanting to get control over my body and do something loving and healthy for it. we've fasted often in the past for health/spiritual reasons, and we always do it very cautiously.
i would like to be exercising more, too. i tried to run this morning but am having such breast tenderness, i couldn't handle it and just walked briskly for a few miles. so, as with all things with trying to get/stay pregnant, this is a mystery. why, 3 wks after a miscarriage when i presumably bled out all the tissue that would be spiking my hormones, am i suddenly having breast soreness again? could it be phantom pain? going along with the dream i had AGAIN about breast feeding 2 nights ago? is it in my head? or am i PMS'ing? or do i still have retained tissue and need to address that? f**k if i know.
and i went to a reproductive genetic counselor this morning. it is possibly, since i have a sister with Down Syndrome, that i'm carrying a mutating gene and that is why i have been and might continue to miscarry. we're looking into that now...not because i want to avoid having a child with Down's, but because some 50% of those fetuses never make it to birth, and i DO want to avoid having further miscarriages. if i'm negative and robb's negative for chromosomal abnormalities, then maybe we look at autoimmune or other reasons why i'm not hearty enough to complete a pregnancy. or, we just try again in the future and hope for the best, taking precautions to attempt to maintain the pregnancy.
the "future" is an undetermined time for me right now. i have zero desire to be pregnant now, or in the foreseeable future. so we're sitting on it for now. this fall, we'll re-assess and decide if i we are prepared to give it another go or if i will take some more time off. meanwhile, we are considering adoption. that is becoming more and more appealing to me. but i'm clearly in no mental state to pursue anything right now.
so, all that being said... i want this blog to be a transparent look into my psyche and process. so i know i'm a total downer and i'm so sorry if i'm hurting instead of helping anyone out there. but these are my thoughts and feelings to date. this is what i'm dealing with.
they say time heals all wounds. and i know that's true. maybe in 6 months i will be 100% recovered from this trauma. all my anger will be gone, i will be good with God, and i can reflect back on it like a struggle i survived. but meanwhile, i have to live out each day of that "time." each minute. each hour. each visit with pregnant friends where all they talk about is the trials of pregnancy. live through each of my own due dates and would-be mile stones. the awareness that i should have a 3 month old right now. or at the very least, be celebrating getting out of my 1st trimester of pregnancy on attempt #2.
hurry up, time. get on with it.
Monday, June 7, 2010
These Are a Few of My Favorite Things
so, my mom says i need to do the oprah thing and focus on the things i love most in life. here's my list.
my family. i have the most beautiful little sisters and amazing parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and in-laws. my robb. exercising and pushing myself 'til it hurts. i also have incredible friends who i could fill pages and pages with pics, but will just represent them all with muppets, since that seems appropriate. i also like the muppets. vacations to tropical places and movies about vacations. movies that make me laugh. or cry. or think. i really like movies. yoga. i like it and wish i did more of it. that's pretty much exactly what i look like when i'm doing it. i like theater. especially performing, singing live. i like making people laugh. my all time favorite play ever is "cabaret." and before she got all creepy and sad, liza minnelli was a force to behold (sorry about the pic that makes it look like her lady parts are in jail). i wish to some day play the hell out of the role of 'sally bowles.' horse back riding. i have recently started back doing that and am loving it. john cusack and his brooding eyebrows. and pretty much every movie he's ever been in, with a few expceptions (you know who you are, "serendipity"). chocolate. i really like chocolate. and i think i'd like a bath of chocolate, even though you just KNOW it would get all up in it and such. and God. i truly love God. i didn't really have a good pic of Him, so i thought george burns would do. i also like george burns. i didn't include my like of nature in any of this, but i like that alright, too. and my dog. ok. i'll add a picture of my dog so she doesn't feel left out.
ah, shucks. 
my family. i have the most beautiful little sisters and amazing parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and in-laws. my robb. exercising and pushing myself 'til it hurts. i also have incredible friends who i could fill pages and pages with pics, but will just represent them all with muppets, since that seems appropriate. i also like the muppets. vacations to tropical places and movies about vacations. movies that make me laugh. or cry. or think. i really like movies. yoga. i like it and wish i did more of it. that's pretty much exactly what i look like when i'm doing it. i like theater. especially performing, singing live. i like making people laugh. my all time favorite play ever is "cabaret." and before she got all creepy and sad, liza minnelli was a force to behold (sorry about the pic that makes it look like her lady parts are in jail). i wish to some day play the hell out of the role of 'sally bowles.' horse back riding. i have recently started back doing that and am loving it. john cusack and his brooding eyebrows. and pretty much every movie he's ever been in, with a few expceptions (you know who you are, "serendipity"). chocolate. i really like chocolate. and i think i'd like a bath of chocolate, even though you just KNOW it would get all up in it and such. and God. i truly love God. i didn't really have a good pic of Him, so i thought george burns would do. i also like george burns. i didn't include my like of nature in any of this, but i like that alright, too. and my dog. ok. i'll add a picture of my dog so she doesn't feel left out.
ah, shucks. 
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Bethany Christian Services 5k Run/Walk- Let's Do It!
let's donate some money and time to this organization that has been and continues to be such a life-giver to so many wonderful people. most of the folks i know who have adopted/are adopting have gone through Bethany. families are made, all they're asking from us is a small donation and 3.1 mls. :)
details...
when: Saturday, July 10 at 8:30am
where: Delia Park, Sterling Heights
cost: $20
website/registration: go here
****Not sure if strollers or dogs are allowed, have to contact them to find out
i am thinking i'll do it, let me know if you're interested and we can coordinate.
details...
when: Saturday, July 10 at 8:30am
where: Delia Park, Sterling Heights
cost: $20
website/registration: go here
****Not sure if strollers or dogs are allowed, have to contact them to find out
i am thinking i'll do it, let me know if you're interested and we can coordinate.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
So Tired of the Tears
crying behind a surgical mask is messy business because then you have snot, but you can't wipe it because you're sterile and can't touch your face, and then you're lame because you're crying at work...all around not ideal.
and tonight robb once again told me that "we're going to be ok."so all i can do is trust. and i think i'm all cried out for now. on to the next step, i guess.
and tonight robb once again told me that "we're going to be ok."so all i can do is trust. and i think i'm all cried out for now. on to the next step, i guess.
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