Ok, Fine. Let's Talk About Depression.

so, you'd think, since i've shared stuff about the condition of my vagina and breasts during the course of having children...and i've even talked about my friggin' hemorrhoids, for God's sake, that there would be nothing scary and sacred that i wouldn't share with you, the internet. 

but, the internet, there is something i've been reluctant to discuss.

i'm in a funk. i feel bad. i'm full of self-loathing and doubt and guilt and feelings of worthlessness. and then more guilt about how i have NO RIGHT to feel this bad when i'm living such a charmed and beautiful life. no right at all. 

and yet here it is. 

it's a familiar place that i've visited before. 

and even though i am now 'postpartum,' i do not think that this is 'postpartum depression' or 'the baby blues.' it's coming on fairly late into the game after having anna, and it feels like it has before, during previous episodes. 

i have the tendency to fall into lows like this now and then. i think most people do. i think the chore of being a human every day is really hard. (which is why they should put celexa in the water supply).

i am lucky. my lows don't wipe me out completely, and i'm still able to function. i never hurt myself or others and don't do anything especially self-destructive. i  have no plans to. any of that. i'm in control.

it's mostly just that the gnawing voice telling me i can't, i'm not, i shouldn't, i haven't...starts winning for a while. so i'm super critical of everything about myself and don't let anything go. my deep dark fears that i'm bad at life or dumb or weak or not good enough for the people around me get a featured spot in my head. and the anxiety wins. i envision all kinds of awful things happening beyond my control and it feels terrible. 

and i lose my filter. all the awful things in the news. things that people are suffering with, inflicting upon each other...it all comes at me undiluted when i'm in this low place. 'oh, women are being raped and murdered and sold and under-valued every day just for being women?' well, i'm a woman and i don't know what to do with all those feelings when i'm feeling too weak to fight, other than feel crushed by them.

and being picked on constantly, even by the voice in my head (maybe especially by the voice in my head?) wears me out. and for me, this shows up as me being distracted, irritable, distant, quiet, unmotivated and slow. 

but i don't really go for slow. i think the faster the pace, the more i can chase away these demons. 

and i don't allow myself to be sick or sad or less than all the things i have to be on a daily basis. so it takes me a while to work through these low times. because i keep going at my breakneck speed and throw more plates in the air to juggle. and i keep trying to meet everyone else's needs because i think my value lies in serving other people and if i stop any of it for a second...it'll be too quiet and all i'll hear is that voice telling me i suck. and i'm afraid once i go still, i might not be able to get back up again. 

but every time i have one of these 'episodes,' eventually, i have to face it. cry, yell, see a therapist. whatever it takes. i have to crawl back out of it and conclude that a) i probably don't suck as much as i think and b) even in the ways that i am lacking, it's ok. perfection is ludicrous. everyone sucks a little. it's human to suck. 

so. why am i sharing this with you now? superb question, the internet. why am i bumming everyone out and making it all about me even more than usual? 

i'm asking myself the same thing. i've stopped writing this post about 9 times already. 

but i'm writing it for the same reason i talk about my painful anal out-pouchings. 

maybe it could help someone. maybe someone reads my posts and flinches at the crazy parenting mistakes i've made or laughs at the revelations i've had along the way. maybe my describing my 'roids saved someone else the freak out in the shower of WHAT THE BLERG IS THAT HANGING OUT OF MY ...

i have confidence that i'll come through it. and i'm experienced enough in this draining, personality-wiping experience to know when to wave the white flag and ask for help. 

but it's hard. if you're out there and you're reading this thinking supportive thoughts toward me, thank you. if you're out there and your'e thinking that you feel that way sometimes, i'm sorry. i hate that you're hurting. i hope you're able to get through it. i'm here for you and will try to help if you'll let me. we can find ourselves again together. 

alright. i'm off to bed. sleep helps loosen the grip of the sad. as does sunshine (check), good friends and family (check, check), exercise (ok, fine. will check soon), good food (check), and vacation (check later this week). and the most helpful in lifting big heavy funks- God. i'm going to lean on Him for a while. i know he can support my weight. i'll even try to be still and quiet long enough to hear Him if He still wants to talk to someone who sucks. 

(from what i've gathered, He does).