Hard, But Good (Not a Dick Joke)

'be brave' was my new year's resolution. 

i'm surprised by some of the ways i've had to be brave since i made that promise. 

i thought always pushing myself to the limits of sanity and sleep was the fierce thing to do, but i've learned recently that asking for help and slowing down and looking for access to peace is actually harder, and braver.

i like concrete plans and certainty, known outcomes. i get all liz lemon about lists. to-do lists are my spirit animal. (it's a sad little spirit animal with glasses and no fur on its butt from where it's rubbed it off from stress and worms, but whatevs).

the 'certain' trajectory of our life has been called into sharp question recently. we don't have two jobs anymore, we don't have two retirement accounts steadily growing never fast enough, anymore. we're trying a new business venture that we think is pretty brilliant, but could fail brilliantly, too. we're having to re-work the dynamics of our relationship and examine preconceived notions and expectations and how they effect each of us in our marriage/business partnership. 

it's hard, but good. it's taking a lot of patience and courage. and ice cream. 

my therapist (i am eternally grateful to her for all the ways she's made me (us) mo' bettah'), said something the other day like "flexibility in life is the ultimate sign of success." 

whoa. i never thought of that. i kind of thought having a giant savings account would be the ultimate sign of success, and with it, more flexibility to travel to europe sometime in the future when our hairs are gray, or artificially colored to not be gray. i thought spinning wheels in a blur of busy panic now, was 'paying our dues' for the end goals of getting our kids through college, so they can start their own wheels spinning, and getting us to a point where we can retire at 74, just before we have our first heart attacks. 

i'm a) being a little sarcastic and b) still not entirely convinced that this ISN'T the way it's supposed to work....and c) plan on having my first heart attack WAAAAY before 75, but d) i'm thinking maybe we can upset this system, think outside this box a little....still have what we need now, be preparing for the future, AND have some time and peace and adventure in THIS phase of life. maybe? maybe? we'll see. 

i'm learning to sit still better. it's hard. this weekend, anna and i were both out for the count with illness, so we've had built-in days of rest. robb and henry were at a zillion birthday parties, and robb's been a cooking storm. it's been so great having healthy, homemade food for the first time in ages, and being in the kitchen preparing food for the family is restful, therapeutic for him. 

i look around my house at the piles of disorganized life i'm not getting to while i'm resting, and i feel the familiar rise of panic in my chest, but i'm learning to better share the burden and learning to let stuff g...g...g...go. 

not letting that nagging anxious voice tell me i'm a failure, or dictate the decisions i make is hard. it takes all my bravery. i'm trying to bravely, deliberately define success on my own terms and make choices not out of fear of where i might be failing or falling behind, but out of faith and optimism for what could be. 

it's hard, but i think it might be good.