we're celebrating our 13th anniversary this week and we math'd and realized we've known each other for 20 years this year, and have been making googly eyes at each other for most of that time. being away, just the two of us has been really good, really renewing. we talked a lot about where we are and where we're going and snags we have in our communication, ways that we can make it easier on each other. we're lucky because we're still wanting to push for these things. we want to keep fighting for our marriage. that sounds stark, maybe, but it's a decision you have to kind of make daily, i think. i don't think marriage is a static situation. i think it involves re-upping your commitment all the time.
and marriage isn't easy, right? we all know that. it's all about bending egos and apologizing and trying to get into and out of someone else's head and get what you need out of the relationship and life but also giving more than you thought you had to give.
and marriage with kids is just ridiculous. because you have to do all the above things in 2 minute conversational bursts between emergencies. and on 5 hours of sleep. and while wading in urine and being yelled at. you gladly welcomed these little intruders into your house, but they are TERRIBLE roommates and very rude tiny dictators. they cause dramatic feels. like breathtaking joy and soul-crushing angst. so you become this jumpier, dumber, (fatter) version of the person you were when you first fell in love. and all the attention and kisses you previously gave to your spouse is now funneled to the kids. like robb astutely put, "you only have so many fucks to give per day, and the kids tend to get them all." exactly. bingo. i'm all out of fucks by the end of the day and he gets NONE FUCKS.
so...being away just the two of us, it was nice to reserve all my fucks for....well this is getting awkward. you get the idea.
we're pretty (shocked) grateful that we still enjoy time together and can surprise each other and make each other laugh. it's been huge to have a few days where we can quietly discuss things without anyone interrupting us or needing our attention. everything was just easy and fun
(this is a brilliant post on this subject from @foreverymom. i really encourage you to read it if you haven't: http://www.foreverymom.com/a-letter-to-my-husband-in-this-weird-phase-of-life-my-heart-still-longs-for-you/)...
and i'm feeling more light and free than i've felt in ages. in real life, my life is full of decisions, most of which impact other people. whether it's at work or at home. so it was remarkable to have only inconsequential choices in front of me. i mean, i went to a conference and learned good stuff every day, but that was just a matter of opening up my brain bucket and drinking free coffee. it's nice to learn new things when it's outside of the context of cramming for an exam.
and mostly, for 5 straight days, my hardest choices were like, rocks or frozen? (rocks). coffee or wine? (yes). you want to go on the really huge scary roller coaster and do magic tricks with your wand? (yes, yes i do). wouldn't it be more responsible to go to bed now instead of staying up? (no, i don't care. shut up, no one likes you ). you want to swim in the atlantic ocean in all your clothes even though sharks and currents and fish-butt smelling luggage? (yes, correct. that's just what i want).
so thanks to my mom (and dad, and in-laws, and sister and brother-in-law and all the good folks of the village who maintained the kids while we drank tequila) for keeping the kids so i can be a better me, and spouse, and upon my return, mom.
robb is, wisely and lovingly, always trying to make me a better me. he says i need to improve my conclusions in my writing. he's right- i get tired and bored and i have a tendency to just just hastily wrap-up my posts.
so here we go:
marriage is good because it maintains social order and reduces the incidence of syphilis, but it is difficult and cannot be treated with penicillin. so you have to encourage it and give it some time to breathe once in a while. preferably at the beach.
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