I Can't Afford One of Those Fancy Celebrity Mental Break Resort Spas in, Like, Ojai, California, So I'm Afraid When I Get Taken Away It's Going to Be to Somewhere Like Toledo, OH.

this is probably another one of those things i should share only with my girlfriends while hiding under a pile of wine, but am instead putting out there on the internet in case anyone can relate or needs a "me, too" today.: 

i'm not always sure i was built to be a mom. i actually think i'm kind of bad at it. not because my kids aren't well provided for- they are. but just because i don't enjoy it as much as i think i should. 

and i definitely cannot do it alone- or can only handle a few hours alone at a time. if robb wasn't as involved as he is, taking equal parts responsibility for all parts of providing care, i for sure would have jumped a train long ago or would be (permanently, not just occasionally/daily) sucking my thumb and rocking under a chair. 

i need a staff just to keep things reasonably together. 

i'm the kind of mom who would have excelled in a different time period, in a different social class. i could have used nannies and nursemaids and hand maidens and riding instructors and pillow fluffers to help me with the task of raising my children and not losing my damned mind. i don't think of myself as a delicate flower, but i could totally launch into antebellum rich southern lady most of the time. "i'm feeling rather faint, darling. please take these youngins outside, i simply cannot handle their cacophonous noise today."...."miss mary, my stars! look at this mess these children have made! are those alphabet pretzel pieces ground into the carpet?!?! someone bring me my nerve pills, i'm having another spell. i need to lie down."

i feel like i'm stressed out a lot of the time, anxious, angry. jumpy. really jumpy. i scream and swear. and then i apologize. i make henry cry sometimes when i surprise him with yelling the 10th time he asked the same question and got the same (previously polite) answer.  i don't deal well with intermittent, unpredictable loud noises or having to stop people from killing themselves all the time.

someone is always almost bleeding. me or them, sometimes both. 

and i don't love that. this is why i didn't go into ER or trauma surgery. 

my nerves stay raw, so when then something small in life goes awry, like a battery is missing in a remote control or my blerging pedometer not working AGAIN and i'm due to submit by steps for a cutthroat work competition- i just lose my shit all over the place. 

seriously, though. i feel like the world's biggest wuss. traveling with the kids the last 3 weekends has just put me over the edge. this four day holiday weekend, my parents had the kids for 2 of the days. i only had them for 1 day alone while robb did a bunch of yard work. in that limited time, i cried once. i yelled thrice. and since they went to bed, i'm on my second hard mommy drink. 

i just find dealing with this (ADORABLE, WONDERFUL, SWEET, AMAZING)....chaos....really hard. and i super duper like mine and have all the support in the world. but it's hard. i always think about single parents or people with more than two (what?! why???????)  or with money troubles or a million other ways this could be harder and more stressful and wonder how they do it. 

mad love and respect all around. this shit is not easy. i lift my glass to all of you and say, what? "another day completed and everyone survived?" 

maybe that's good enough for now. i should make bumper stickers. but i'm too tired and i'd probably spell them wrong.