and i feel like writing it from a dark hiding place.
my anxiety seems to be winning lately. taking up way more room in the stack of things that make me me than my peace or my joy or my thankfulness or enthusiasm or creativity or all the other good things i'm trying to foster.
instead, I'm consumed with worry and doubt and big time insecurity.
it comes and goes, but guys, isn't it hard to be human??
at any given moment i am worried that somebody is being mean to my kids or that there is some toxic something in my house i don't yet know about, that i'm not as funny as i think i am, that maybe i'm bad at being a person or unkind, that the world is hateful and humans prey on the weak and we are just too too broken, that people are starving and hurting and dying and we're letting them, that those extra pounds i'm carrying aren't forgivable, that i'm not as brave as i want to be, that I'm not helping as much as i should, and that i am late for something and the dishes are dirty.
i don't know if everyone experiences this kind of chaotic inner mess. i think, to different degrees and in different times, that we all do. it certainly seems to be more prevalent in my female friends then male ones. someone correct me if I'm wrong there. but if that is true, why? is it all hormonal? or for some reason do women tend to carry the burden of theirs and others' lives more heavily on their shoulders than men do? either way, it seems to be getting worse and not better as I age. maybe it's the lack of sleep.
i surely hope that there will come a point when i am older where i just stop giving a shit. or, actually, rather, that i learn how to manage my shit-giving more constructively.
i'm thinking about making a worry/wailing wall where people can hang their woes and we can gather around each other (even from afar) to pray, hug, cover with goodness.
all of this is, naturally, followed by guilt for giving in to my worries when, compared to many, they are pedestrian and small. i am BLESSED and LUCKY and my life is easy.
my anxiety seems to be winning lately. taking up way more room in the stack of things that make me me than my peace or my joy or my thankfulness or enthusiasm or creativity or all the other good things i'm trying to foster.
instead, I'm consumed with worry and doubt and big time insecurity.
it comes and goes, but guys, isn't it hard to be human??
at any given moment i am worried that somebody is being mean to my kids or that there is some toxic something in my house i don't yet know about, that i'm not as funny as i think i am, that maybe i'm bad at being a person or unkind, that the world is hateful and humans prey on the weak and we are just too too broken, that people are starving and hurting and dying and we're letting them, that those extra pounds i'm carrying aren't forgivable, that i'm not as brave as i want to be, that I'm not helping as much as i should, and that i am late for something and the dishes are dirty.
i don't know if everyone experiences this kind of chaotic inner mess. i think, to different degrees and in different times, that we all do. it certainly seems to be more prevalent in my female friends then male ones. someone correct me if I'm wrong there. but if that is true, why? is it all hormonal? or for some reason do women tend to carry the burden of theirs and others' lives more heavily on their shoulders than men do? either way, it seems to be getting worse and not better as I age. maybe it's the lack of sleep.
i surely hope that there will come a point when i am older where i just stop giving a shit. or, actually, rather, that i learn how to manage my shit-giving more constructively.
i'm thinking about making a worry/wailing wall where people can hang their woes and we can gather around each other (even from afar) to pray, hug, cover with goodness.
all of this is, naturally, followed by guilt for giving in to my worries when, compared to many, they are pedestrian and small. i am BLESSED and LUCKY and my life is easy.
but i really want to be fully available, fully realized as a helper monkey on the planet, and i think in order to do that, i need to get through some of this anxiety.
i'm trying. here's to trying.
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