I'm Your Mom AND....

i was picking up my birth control at the pharmacy the other day with my wee curious tag-along in the car and he asked me, "MOMMY, WHAT ARE WE DOING?" (getting my...medicine), "MOMMY, WHY DO YOU NEED MEDICINE? ARE YOU SICK?"

...i'm so embarrassed to say i got all weird and awkward and stammary until i finally came out with the answer i'm OK with...."i'm not sick. i'm very healthy. this medicine is helping my body work the way i want it to." 

that's the gist of it, isn't it? but, golly molly, for a second my words to him were all, "well, see i LOVE you and your sister and having babies is an AMAZING blessing but i....you know...there comes a time in everyone's life when... so, the woman's body.....erm...it uh...eggs and...stuff" 

eck. 

the truth is, henry of the future, having the ability to control whether or not i get pregnant gives me the freedom to be exactly the mom i want to be and have the family structure i want and the career and future that i want. it gives me choices and control over my body, and, since i am a woman, it gives me control over my life. i got weird for a second because in a panic i thought my genius 3 year old might figure out that i'm taking pills to squash his future siblings. 

i know.  i KNOW.

but somehow all the social, political, religious stuff that i've logic'd through a long time ago stopped me in my tracks momentarily. 

but this is nothing to be ashamed of and there's no reason to be apologetic. my body is working exactly how i want it to with the help of these pills. choosing not to be reproductively open for business is this exciting right and ability that i have and i'm exercising it. 

(some days around here i'm exercising it with much enthusiasm. disco, baby, i'm dancing that pill down the hatch. some mornings, robb and i say a little toast as i take it).

and, future henry, one day maybe you'll understand that i'm a person AND a mom. this is part of what helps me be both. 

and now in my compulsive  crazy mommy rush let me emphasize that being your mom is the MOST FREAKING BEST THING EVER. 

it truly is...but i also like being a sarah. i'm your mom AND....i'm a sarah. 

and i get to keep being a sarah, and growing and changing that sarah to be who i want her to be over the years, partly because of the miracle of birth control. 

i can be both overwhelmed with thanks for you and your sister and also be in gratitude to my ability to prevent more pregnancy. 

some day, not when you're 3, we'll talk about all this. thankfully i'll have a few years to practice my response.

and maybe some day, when you're grown and you need on me a little less and our relationship rolls over toward friendship, you'll get to know more of the sarah in me beyond the mom. i want to keep her busy and interesting all this time so that you have fun with her when the time comes. 

because hanging out with your mom is awesome.