I'VE HEARD IT BOTH WAYS

let me tell you about my wonderful kid.

he pulls his step stool all the way from the bathroom into the bedroom so he can put it up against the changing table to get up to anna's height to calm her down when she's fussily getting her diaper changed in the morning.

he has started to say "i love you, too" most of the time when we love on him, even if while wiping away our kisses.

tonight when we were talking about stranger danger, he remembered a time 2 months ago when he was shy around my friends and he wants to explore the differences between strangers he's meeting who he's introduced to and strangers who are just dangers.

nuanced thoughts and dissections and associations and it's AMAZING! i love watching him grow that brain garden. it's incredible to see.

he's also kind of a smarmy little shit. as he's supposed to be right now.

he corrects us regularly. he's teaching us spanish now that he's learning some in preschool. he is 100% correcto 100% of the tiempo.

MIGO MEANS FRIEND. HOLA MEANS HELLO. JUICY MEANS BYE-BYE.

"juicy means bye-bye? what did you say? are you sure that's the word they use? because i've never heard any spanish word that sounds like that and i'm pretty sure 'adios' means bye-bye..."

NO. JUICY. JUICY MEANS BYEBYE. IT'S SPANISH.

umm....bien?

also, when he asked me the other day what an x-ray was, i launched into my limited understanding of the science of it and how it's used to look at bones and air and fluid (juicy fluid?) inside people, etc and he said, NO. AN XRAY IS A CREATURE.

i started to argue and then just...stopped.

this kid. he's cool. funny, smart, goofy, and just so much love. we got a really good one landed on us and i'm so thankful.

Baby Munchkin Pants is 9 Months Old!

dear readers, and probably my future adult-age children who are curious about what life was like for them when they were small, i have to admit something to you....

i just fell in love with my anna last night. 

and i feel like this is a horrible confession because she's 9 FREAKING MONTHS OLD and has been delightful all along and i am the worst that i wasn't smitten sooner. 

and don't get me wrong. i've enjoyed her, i've loved and cared for her, i've been able to admire her qualities and help usher her along the newborn path. 

but just now, last night, i feel like i really met her. 

i mean, babies are like raw stone that needs to be carved, with time, into a sculpture/the person they're going to be, right? and it's hard for me when they're tiny and have only soft edges and no defining angles to really fully attach. 

i remember that it took a while with henry, too. people describe being immediately in love when the baby emerges, or even forming an intense connection in utero. 

i don't get that. i love and give and provide for, but i don't get, like, goofy for kids until they are their own little people. 

so, anyway. anna is starting to become her own little person. and she's really cool. she laughs constantly, and makes really deep eye contact. she tries to catch my eye to share a smile. she's silly and makes patterns of noise that she shares with me and laughs when i finally join in. she's not afraid of anything. she is strong and forceful and pretty good at brushing herself off when she inevitably stumbles. 

these are all qualities i like in a person. i like her a lot. 

having a few hours alone with her last night while robb and henry rode their bikes on maybe the last nice night of the fall through our city gave us a chance to just be together. quietly and completely, i let the dirty dishes sit and i wasn't being asked 'star wars' trivia questions by her brother. it was just us. and it was swell. (PS- the guys had a crazy awesome time on the bikes, too)

so, adult anna, when you come back to read about your childhood on your hologram maker and laugh how quaint your mom was "blogging" instead of cyber journaling or whatever, you might be mad that it took me a while to really get you. you might also be mad that i'm making your milestones about me. but, you know, that's life, kid. 

oh! and speaking of milestones- you're pulling yourself up on everything, your'e scooting along things, you're eating lots of solid food, and you're wearing 24 month clothes. we'll find out soon at your doctor's visit just how moose-ish you are, but i suspect it's a lot. a lot moose. 

(added late: 21lbs 11oz weight, 29" tall, 17" head...92/91/29%)

and in case it's not abundantly clear by the pics- you're spectacularly beautiful. your eyes are smart and quick and your hair is fluffy and you are a perfect miracle and i love you. 

-mom ('that lady i focus so much time on in therapy')

I Think This is Where the Magic Happens? I Really Can't Remember.

you know how kids are pretty much a science experiment for grownups, right?

so the experiment tonight is putting both kids in the same room to sleep. like a nursery. like in peter pan, where all the the kids, no matter the ages or sexes, bunk together. with a dog taking care of them, bringing them their nightly medicine (stool softener probably? sedative?) and picking up toys and whatever. anyway. i digress. i really want a nanny dog. or nanny robot.  

...

ANYway, we'll see how it goes. so far one has woken up the other only one time. but it 's not even 9pm. so we'll see.

the goal is to get our bedroom back after 8 months of sharing it. it's time. i'm gleefully writing this lying in bed with all the lights on in my room. because i can. because I'M THE BOSS. (did you hear that? are they waking? shhhh! turn off the lights! hit the ground!)

Thanks and Revelations, Guilt and Rain Boots

when you lose someone- and i'm talking about after you've gotten through the initial bit of total misery, after all the people have left and the official family count is down and the food has been eaten and the how-to-survive-this books have been read- you spend all your time trying to avoid the sad. 

and the sad is like the cold and the wet of crappy weather. avoiding it means covering up, hiding out, running fast through it. but it keeps coming down and it still finds its way into your clothes. 

as time passes, you find that you're better at managing the weather and don't feel it stinging your eyes and your wrists as much. you can move through it without sprinting and you don't get quite as saturated. sometimes there are days when it even feels sort of warm or dry. 

and then years pass, and you've stopped even wearing your heavy coat and boots. you're long since dry and comfortable. so comfortable, that you have even stopped worrying about the dates and situations that used to make you the most sad. you get cocky. you think, 'i got this.' 

and then there it is. you're cold again. and your old coat doesn't fit because the last time you wore this you were smaller and you don't know how to handle this sad now that you're supposed to be a grown person caring for children of your own. 

this is how i've been feeling today. that familiar but ancient grief. i lost my sister 20 years ago to leukemia. we went on a make-a-wish trip as a family the year she died. i'm now volunteering for make-a-wish and i visited a family with children with chronic illness and special needs yesterday. 

and today i just couldn't stop wondering what my sister would look like now, how she would be the most wonderfully goofy aunt to my kids. how she would have looked in the bridemaid's dress at my wedding. 

i guess i got cocky. i poked the bear where it lives. and now i'm paying for it. 

i'll get through it and keep volunteering, but now i know that i might need to buy some really good boots in my size to keep warm while i do it. 

and what a confusing blend of emotions regarding my kids. 

worry. my kids are healthy and safe but what. if. 

thanks. my kids are healthy and safe, thank God. 

guilt. my kids are healthy and safe, why do i deserve that? or conversely, why in the world would anyone deserve having anything but healthy and safe kids? why has my life been such a crazy huge blessing? why has it been all break? (as in 'give me a __') 

guilt again. because i really like that one. lately i've been feeling like i never have any time to myself and i'm stressed out about house renovation stuff and i'm feeling pulled and needed by both my very loud, chatty, demanding kids, and...come. on. in the hierarchy of needs, i'm pissed because i can't polish my toenails. i want to smack me. what with our full-time well-paying, satisfying jobs we have after the educations we were gifted, and our beautiful home that we're talking about making even more beautiful, and our 2 (two!) amazing, perfect children who are healthy and happy and incredible (and here at all!) and who are ABLE to communicate what they want/need. and dear God, then i can then GIVE it to them! sheesh. i'm such a tool. 

awe. this family we visited yesterday is beautiful and functioning against all odds. i mean against ALL odds. against language and economic barriers, limited access to all resources, and demanding, challenging physical and mental impairments of several of their children. but i bet i saw them dispense 2,000 kisses to those children in the time we were there. smiles come easily to everyone in the family. everyone looking content and well cared for and loved. amazing. truly. 

so, when all balances out, i feel thanks and relief and optimism. missing my sister, but that's OK. she was great and i should tell her nephew and niece more about her so that they are acquainted by memories. and thanks that this wish family is living in so much love and seem to have some peace even in what must be a daily struggle. and thanks for the insane pile of blessings i have. first and foremost, my healthy, happy, loud tiny dictators. i'm so grateful for the crazy that they make me. 

Sometimes You're 'O' for Everything

we have had zero sleep wins in our house this week. the children are running the asylum. 

the girl baby sleeps in our room, allegedly in a pack 'n play, but routinely actually thrashing about between us in our bed, using my mammaries as a chew toy/comforter/punching bag/straw thing. 

so that's neat. 

and last night i was bribing the three year old male person to sleep (naturally). it went like: you go to bed like a big boy on your own AND sleep through the night AND stay in bed until your alien alarm clock glows green in the morning and you will get a treat. 

AND so, bedtime was tears and more tears and robb and i alternating sitting in the chair in the corner on his room, glaring at said child in the dark while he thrashed around and periodically checked to see if we were still there. for. an. hour. 

and then, at the crackiest crack of dawn this morning, to what does my addled brain ear holes appear?  muffled footie pajama feet walking toward me with the mouth part saying, WHAT'S MY TREAT? IS IT ROUND? 

sigh. but only sigh shallow-like, or it will turn into a snore and i will be in this seat for the rest of the night. 

Does Yoda Wear Pants?

i thought maybe i'd crossed some invisible line of child innocence and reality tonight. some barrier between the two worlds like where kids realize what veal is or when alice cooler guest stars on the muppets (this happened. great, f#cked up episode).

ANYway....i read some news about a teenager getting shot on the street in a gang-related crime. i don't know what i murmured to myself, but my face must have looked stricken, because henry was all curious about what was wrong. i told him that someone was hurt by a gun. it was very sad and upsetting and i feel worried and sad for everyone. 

he asked a bunch of follow-up questions (mostly "why?" to which i repeated, "i don't know.") and then he sat quietly, pensively for a minute. 

and i assumed i'd broken him (again). 

then he says, "i'm darth vader. the force is strong with me." 

and we're BACK! so either he's too young to be long-term traumatized by horrible events, or he'll process it more over time, or he's a sociopath (but he's so sweet....and gives such great hugs!.....)

i don't know how much to shield him. he's really young, but on the other hand, we're all up in the world and the world in us, and i think knowledge can protect and empower, so....? 

but he's got tons of the force within him, so what am i worrying about, really?

8 Months is Awesome

funny, sweet, happy and busy girl turned 8 months this week!

she's eating like a champ, growing like a weed and crawling like a pro. so i guess she's some sort of plant-life skilled wrestler? (do you ever think about the way we apply language? it's really goofy). 

anyway. 

she seems to have gotten through her first cold. a little temp and some sleepy grouchiness, but she's back to normal now. we've been so blessed that she's been so healthy so far. 

our next goal will be setting up a crib somewhere in our house (location yet to be determined) and getting her to stay inside it and asleep for sustained periods. 

hmmm....you gotta have goals, right? :)