Mommy Is Losing Her Sh#t

so...i go back to work tomorrow.

i don't want to talk about it.

So There's a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Water Buffalo...

this blog is not only my confessional and public journal but also, since my hand writing is atrocious, henry's only baby book.

so, on this day, wednesday, august 24 in the zoo parking lot after a picnic and outdoor concert HENRY LAUGHED FOR THE FIRST TIME!! and you can pick up the pieces of robb and my skull from all over the parking garage because our heads exploded with joy.

it was adorable.

i suspected earlier today when i was playing with him that i heard a giggle, but then he was sort of hiccuping and cooing at the same time, so it could have been an accidental noise.

but this tonight was a definite laugh. while robb was changing his diaper in the trunk of our station wagon.

apparently baring your ass to a parking deck full of strangers is heelarious. ;)

i concur.

Talk Baby to Me, Ah Yea

i suspect henry's first words will be "HELLLLLOOOOOO, HENRY!!"

he hears that about 400 times a day. he also hears a little silly song i made up that just says, "i love, i love, i love, i love, i love you." sorry your mom's musical talents aren't more sophisticated, kid.

i find it hilarious how adults interact with babies. first, we talk in "we" all the time. like "we just had a total ass explosion and we think it's even on the ceiling and the dog now, isn't it?" or "we had some really nice long naps today, didn't we?" really? "we" did? then who did the laundry and washed the poop off the dog?

and not only are we always speaking in the collective (i mean, really, are we giving our kids split personalities? "it wasn't me, mom! it was the voices! it was we!"), but we also always finish every statement like that, and really any statement directed toward the baby at all, with a question. "are we awake?" "did we have a nice nap?" "did we go potty?" "what do we think of the iran-contra affair?"

and, if you watch really closely, most of the time, adults will then REPEAT THE QUESTION. as if, maybe this 6 week old amoeba just didn't hear me the first time and will respond more appropriately if i repeat the question...

"did we go potty, henry? did we go potty?"

"why yes, you loathsome woman, I did go potty! of course I went potty! it's what I do! i don't know that 'we' went potty. i don't know or care what you're up to over there, but I did go potty. and it's in my drawers and it's starting to cool and if i had the coordination i would be flinging it at you. now just hurry up and change me. pip pip."

i can't help it. all babies sound like stewie in my head.

and we adults are obsessed with ourselves. "am i making a funny face at you?" "do you see mama/daddy/grandma, etc?" and we always talk about ourselves in the 3rd person like that. i'm telling you, we are terrible models to these poor would-be talkers. or, rather, sarah is telling you. yes she is! yes she is!

and then we talk endlessly about what physical characteristics he shares with one of us. ("i think he has my pinkie toes!") and we're not even to the starting-to-talk phase yet. then we'll all be thinking we're one-upping each other, taking the baby to dark corners of the house to try to get him to say our names first. "come on, henry, say mrs. zimmerman. alright, fine, you can call me mama. say mama. say mama. say mama. say mama." and this goes on until he falls asleep or learns to roll his eyes, whichever comes first.

and of course there's the baby voice we use to coo at babies. i think if we talked normally to them they might speak clearly when they first start talking. but instead, we round out our consonants and get all high pitched, so it's no wonder they sound like they've been sucking helium and use words like "libary" and "wabbit" when their words arrive on the scene. we did that. it's on us.

and, lastly, our gender specific baby prattle. "he's so big/strong/hairy" and she's so "pretty/sweet/a bit hippy, no? maybe retaining water?"

so, anyway. i don't know the proper way to talk to babies to avoid these tendencies. i do them all every day, all day. and some of it is that whatever you just did or said that made him smile, you're going to repeat that ad nauseum in case he does it again because his smile is Christmas meets chocolate cake.

but even though i'm a buffoon when it comes to talking to my child, i do want him to have some access to smart adults. and i cannot count on robb or our families for this- we are all in the same b-b-b-boat. say boat. say boat, henry. BBBBBBoat.

so i trust the experts and i read to him a lot. from whatever i'm reading or his childrens' books. my favorite of his books so far, besides of course, dr. seuss and shel silverstein, are the sandra boynton books. amazing. so funny and clever.

but not the armadillo.




do you see how he's paying such rapt attention to everything i'm saying? poor little monkey never stood a chance. :)

It Might Be Hard to Whistle While I Work Through Snotty Sobs

God, thank you for this perfect little family.


in a week and a half i go back to work. and i'm starting to dread it. not that i don't like what i do or love the people i work with. and not that i have changed my mind about working while mommy-ing. but i really like tiny heiny and i like spending every day with him. he's sleepy in the evenings/at night (which is awesome, really), so it means that i won't get much awake time with him after work and will have to rely entirely on the weekends.

and i go to a movie and out to dinner with my friends and i'm desperate to get home to him after just a few hours...so i know a full 9 hrs away is going to be hard. not for his sake, but for mine. ok, a little for his. i do think that i have his nuances down pretty well at this point and even if i'm still just the big lady who smells like milk to him, at least i know how to make him comfortable and quiet. i know what his sounds mean, where his ticklish spots are (everywhere. but shhh. don't tell) and what songs he likes most.

i know he'll be in great hands when i'm away at work, they're just not mine.

i feel so blessed to have had this time with him. i keep reflecting that when i did an internship at a head start program for migrant farm worker families we took children as young as 2 WEEKS OLD! 14 days old and their moms had to go back out to the fields to get back to work. geez.

so, all is in perspective as it should be, i am incredibly blessed to have this time and it has been magical. and i've given up on the idea of trying to take henry with me to work. i had envisioned tiny scrubs and mask, itty bitty surgical cap and booties and a sling so that i could scrub and wear him on my belly while i worked. i mean, he was there when i was pregnant, bellied up to the table, it would be almost the same. he's just a little louder now.

Oh, Dear. I've Become One of Those Shmoopsy Boopsy Moms

i am more crazy about this kid every day. my heart is humming when i look at him. even his poop and cry is precious to me.

now.

but i only started feeling this level of elation and extreme adoration in the past few weeks. i think around 6 or 7 weeks the scale tipped and i started feeling somewhat less burdened by the responsibility of caring for him and more overjoyed at getting to spend every day with him.

some people talk about the instant connection and intense love they felt for their baby when they gave birth. i was moved, that is for sure. and i loved him, but it was more like i felt a need to protect him and to worry over him and a panicked need to not break him. now that he is older and i know him a little bit better, i not only love him, but i also like him. a lot.

the more of his personality that comes through, the more enamored i am. and, let's face it, we humans are fat heads. now that he looks at me and smiles and coos and carries on when i engage him, i like him even more. it's just the way it is. and he's sturdier and seems less inclined to shatter, so i think i'm less anxious about him and more relaxed.

EXCEPT that now that i'm more attached and i feel like my heart will explode with happiness i am more dependent on his well being. like my old fears of bad things happening creep in. i thought maybe i had chased away my ghosts when i gave birth to a healthy baby, as if all my fears were wrapped up in pregnancy and i hadn't prepared any for the actual live baby. but, unfortunately, i'm getting anxious again.

and, granted, this might be normal even for moms who haven't suffered losses, but lately i'm having horrible visions of things happening to him. (this is not a post partum psychosis thing- i am not envisioning hurting him. more like i can't protect him from hurt). like when i'm walking with him down the stairs i see us falling and him hitting his head. or if i'm taking the tea kettle off the stove and he's in my arms i see him somehow getting burnt. it's awful and makes my stomach tighten with fear. i just so badly don't want him to experience any pain or anything negative ever. i guess i understand a little why my mom seemed to always want to keep my sisters and me in a padded room. :) for now, it just causes me to be more cautious with him and that's not a bad thing. i'm not wallowing or anything. it's just notable that i'm having these scary visions about my tiny precious. i do wonder if other parents have had them...anyone?

but anyway, all this thinking on bonding and attachment makes me think about adoptive versus biological children. i've only had the one experience, but we have close friends who have adopted and i've watched them to see if it's any different from our experience in getting to know the wee one and attaching and such.

i've had people tell me that pregnancy was the time when i was bonding with him, when i was the most intimately getting to know him. and while it's true that he was sharing my veggie burgers with me then, i did not know him. i didn't even know he was a him. or what he looked like. or acted like. i only knew my symptoms of him. it was still all about me and not him.

so from what i've observed and experienced, i don't see much of a difference in adopting a newborn and in hatching one your ownself as far as learning them and loving them goes. it took me several months to really feel like i knew him and to get the hang of him. i should think that would be similar for everyone? perhaps i'm unique in my experience and you can comment if you had a different experience with your own newborn.

(i do want to add quickly while on the subject of adoption that i have enhanced admiration for those birth parents who decide to give their child up for adoption. pregnancy is no picnic. neither is labor/delivery and they then don't get to reap any of the fun baby benefits. it's a very noble, loving thing to do for that child. very very. and adoptive parents are, of course, gifts from God for their children. talk about matches made in heaven...)

anyway....so what else is new? well, i went to visit family and go to the beach this week and it was a great time! henry traveled mostly well and it was good to get out of the house for a while. but i forgot my breast pump. and i've been pumping at least 1-2 times/day even with nursing, so my boobalas got really full and leaky and i sort of bullied henry into nursing a few times he wasn't that hungry just to relieve the pressure. it was like boob blue balls.

not fun. don't recommend.

anyway. i'm off to feed my baby monster. he's 'sitting' next to me right now propped up on a pillow, probably reading over my shoulder about what a horrible person i am in that i wasn't moony over him from the first moment. ah well. life is pain, baby.

He Might Drool A Lot, But He Can Play Rachmaninoff Concerto #2 on The Kazoo

well, tiny heiny has had an amazing week. he's been so active and fun, engaging and happy. he's getting easier and easier to take out in public as he tends to just fuss instead of outright scream when something's amiss in his little world. he even (knock on a forest full of trees) did really well in the car this past weekend when we went on a 4 hr trip north. just looking around contently or sleeping. what a guy.

and he had his 2 month well visit last week. he was a total rock star. was cooing and playing the whole time, hamming it up for the doctor and MA's and nurses. and he had to get a bunch of vaccines. an oral med plus 2 shots (2 shots!? ay yay yay). they're combo platters, so all told he received the following vaccines: diptheria, pertussis, tetanus, polio, haemophilus influenzae, and pneumococcal. he took them like a champ. cried for less than a minute, then zonked out.

he slept for hours...but when he did wake up, he was crying pretty pitifully and obviously uncomfortable, so we gave him one small dose of tylenol, and since then he's back to his old happy self. no fevers or rashes or anything and has been sleeping great through the night and is eating like a bear.

he's growing, too...

-weight- 12lbs 11oz (was 10lbs 5 oz at 1 mo visit)
-height 23 1/2" (was 22 1/2" at 1 mo visit)
-head circumference 15 1/2" (was 15" last time).

he's 75th% for both height and weight and 45th for head...which makes me fearful he'll end up looking like the shrunken head man in beetlejuice, but the pediatrician, wisely, reassured me that it's normal to have some variance in this and that he will not turn out like shrunken head man. i do have some guilt now that i called him "beeg hehd" for several weeks after his birth. this was because 1) he, like all babies, has a disproportionately large head, 2) we were watching the show "swamp people" in back-to-back episodes and one of the hugest gators was called "Big Head" but said with a cajun accent it's more like "beeg hehd" and 3) my vagine was all to' up and it seemed like he must have an exceptionally large head to cause that much lady part mayhem.

anyhoo- all is well. he is growing beautifully and hitting his developmental milestones.

it is funny, though...i swore SWORE i would never feel competitive about him. but as i was going through the questionnaire on what he's able to do so far, i felt compelled to exaggerate. "does he grasp a rattle in his hand" so i poked the pen i was holding into his clenched fist and answered YES. "does he laugh without being touched or tickled? YES (lies). "does he roll over on one side?" NO, but only because he doesn't want to... :) i realized only later that the questions applied to babies from 2-4 months, so he's really not supposed to be doing any of those things yet and it's probably obvious to the doc that i was lying. balls.

as far as the vaccines go, we are following the cdc recommended pediatric schedule. the first couple years comes with a lot of pokes. and, although i am a huge advocate of vaccinations to protect ourselves and others, i must admit i was nervous about him getting so many at once. most kids do just fine, but some kids do have fevers and local reactions after immunizations. some even have seizures. so all these scary fears were plaguing me. and seeing your wee one in pain that you caused. yuck. and, i must admit, that even though i trust the studies that prove safety and efficacy, once it comes time to actually put these bugs into my own little monster, i had some nerves. there's this whole faction of people out there who, despite exhaustive scientific studies that prove otherwise, believe vaccines cause autism (fewer who link them to SIDS, too). i think that stubborn belief without proof is rather ridiculous, but when the needle is pointed at my own baby who i would kill to protect from anything bad ever happening...? it did give me pause. but then i remembered that that is exactly why we're vaccinating him. to protect him from bad things. from dis-figuration and paralysis and illness and even possible death.

so i'm just feeling very blessed all around at how well he is handling everything, how healthy he is, and how far he's come. i also am enjoying the delightful personality we're starting to see.

i'm more in love with him every day.

i did not have to lie about these ones. his neck is strong and his smiles are plentiful. :)

Sleep!! Must Have the Precious. He Stole it From Us. Sneaky Little Hobbit.

every night this week, tiny dancer has slept through the night! it's wonderful and we're all in good spirits because of it.

we're only a week in to this success and i know things can change any time, but in case it's not a fluke and we're actually doing something right (unlikely), i'm about to describe our sleep/eat schedule to interested parties. this will be very tedious for anyone without a newborn, so i will include some knock knock jokes throughout to entertain everyone else.

ok, so we've been sorta kinda following the"baby wise" plan, which promises your baby will be sleeping through the night between 9 and 12 weeks. (this plan is controversial and fairly anti-attachment parenting. we fall in the middle of those two models somewhere, i think). this sleeping through the night thing is muy importante to me as i go back to work in a few weeks, 40+ hrs/week, 7am daily with some overnight call and always with sharp instruments ( i work in surgery). so i need my sleep as much as possible.

according to that plan, we're feeding him every 2.5-3 hrs during the day, with some flexibility if he's hungry sooner, but never going longer than 3.5 hrs, even if it means waking him up. (knock knock. who's there? figs! figs who? figs the doorbells, it's broken so i had to knock!). also, the never ending newborn cycle should always go eat, wake time, sleep, eat, wake time, sleep, so as not to get him dependent on eating to fall asleep. his day time naps have gotten longer and longer the older he's gotten.

...then, starting in the evening, we're doing 'cluster feedings' so that he eats a lot and his belly is full like a boa constrictor who ate a goat when he falls asleep. so i feed him at 5pm, 7pm, and 9pm at which point we put his pj's on and swaddle him, give him his pacifier and put him to bed...or let him fall asleep in our arms- we're not so good at the putting him in the crib when he's still awake thing- but that is the goal, so that, again, he doesn't get dependent on being held to fall asleep and he can put himself to sleep without us having to jump through a bunch of hoops. this will also help him put himself back to sleep when necessary. (knock knock. who's there? cash. cash who? i didn't know you were some kind of nut!). then, when i'm going to bed at 11pm, i feed him one more time in his sleep (a "dream feed") without really rousing him, just to top him off. usually i have to use a bottle for this one since that nipple is harder to ignore than my softer ones, apparently. (note that i also pump at this time while robb is giving him the bottle- because him sleeping through the night mean that the bobbsey twins are also sleeping through the night and so need to get purged before being asked to go that 7 hrs).

and, unless he's wet/pooped all the way through his diaper, he doesn't wake up until 5:30am. (knock knock. who's there? leaf. leaf who? leaf me alone!). if he does wake up in the middle of the night, it's usually once and at around 3-4 am. i'll change him and rock him for a few minutes, re-swaddle and pacifier and put him back in the crib and so far, he has been able to fall back to sleep without needing to feed at that time.

so, right now over night he's sleeping a total of 8-9 hours from 9pm to around 6am with me feeding him briefly but not otherwise waking him/engaging at 11pm and occasionally having to change him one other time during the night, but him returning to sleep right away afterwards. i think that's pretty darn good!

so there's that. it's our plan so far and we're getting by with it. he's more cheerful during the day when he sleeps all night, too, it seems. we'll see how long it sticks...


pj's and school spirit. GO GREEN!