The Fallout

well, i'm just about tired of feeling sorry for myself and tearing up when sad miley cyrus songs come on the radio (how embarrassing is that?). and i'm tired of being over-sensitive when people say stupid shit about me being without child. eventually people will feel less awkward about the whole thing and dumb things will spill out less trippingly from their tongues...and i'll be less raw and all will be better. i hope.

but for now, robb and i are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary with grateful hearts. we're glad to be healthy and very thankful for our closeness as we pulled together to get through these hard times. we celebrated with our families this weekend, enjoying art and food and wine in downtown GR. and tonight we went downtown detroit for some tasty, casual french fare. the traditional gift for the 7th wedding anniversary is wool....so we bought long underwear and socks that we used this weekend at the michigan/michigan state game (hail green victors!).

and we're hopeful for our future baby making. we were waiting with much anticipation for my cycle to start back so that we would know my lady parts were back to working. and last week the damn dam broke and it looks like things are back in working order! robb mused one day after i'd yelled at him over something undoubtedly stupid that he's never been so happy to see me PMS'ing. (wait- there was another time that he was happy about it?). for the first time since we were young and stupid, 'aunt flow' was a hero instead of a hassle.

so there you go. the (extremely intimate) details of our lives. :)

Yea, But Are You Suuuuuuure?

we spent the long labor day weekend w/ friends in austin, tx. these are good friends we've kept from the days we were all living in mississippi years ago. we've known them since they first met and started dating. i remember feeling like the old married couple next to their early, drama and glory-filled budding romance. and they were a bit wild w/ lots of heavy drinking and partying...when we went down to new orleans w/ them to celebrate debauchery, let's just say that they were a whole lot better than us at availing themselves of all the tom foolery mardi gras had to offer. so that was then.

now they're married with an 8 month old baby girl.

and yee-doggy have things changed!

life is now completely about the baby. they'd be the first to tell you that, although they're thrilled to be parents and couldn't possibly love her any more than they do, it's really hard and just surviving the day is sometimes an achievement. not sleeping for more than 2-5 hrs at a time for nearly a year can really catch up with you. the stress on the marriage that comes w/ the new priority, the financial worries, etc all take their toll. and to their credit, they are one of those miracle couples who are somehow still able to carry on adult conversations while struggling w/ a baby slinging snotty cheerios and sweet potatoes at them or screaming for their attention.

and these are really good, well-intentioned people who are working hard to be the best parents in the world. they bought a whole catalog of pregnancy books when she was in the family way, and now that the bebe's been hatched, they have a whole catalog of "how to keep a baby alive" books. it's overwhelming. it truly is. both the arduous task of keeping a baby alive and the PhD in early child development you have to earn before you feel (barely! not really!) equipped to be a parent.

so each night in austin robb and i would lie in bed and look at each other with wide eyes going "are we sure we can do this??" it's a daunting task. and since i'm sort of on forced "baby hiatus" we can't help but double, triple check that we're sure this is what we want and that we're ready.

but can you ever really be ready for not sleeping? never finishing a whole meal or sentence or movie? ready for the constant, chronic guilt of parenting (guilt over day care options, guilt over health care options, guilt over not having enough money, time, or patience, guilt over not being enough of/being too much of a conservative/hippie parent, etc). argh!

this is why i always (impractically) sort of wished i'd just accidently wind up pregnant (something about responsible use of modern contraceptive methods makes this fantasy). weighing all these worries and still pushing ahead is hard to do! but if i was just (oops!) suddenly "with child" i know i'd just carry on with my bad self. sigh. you see what i mean?

but- on a more immediate note- i'm taking advantage of the baby hiatus by enjoying wine! margaritas! sushi! and all the blue cheese my heart desires!

And on a Lighter Note of Issues of Fertility and Baby Making

We Was a "We" and Now I'm an "I"

yesterday was a hard day. i went back to work for the first time since my hospitalization. it wasn't a hard day physically- i actually held up really well through a few small cases. but it was a really hard day, emotionally. i realized on my way to work that those 20 minutes alone in the car were my first alone since this all happened. my family and friends have been really sneaky about providing 24-hr 'sarah coverage' that i didn't realize was there until it was gone. so i arrived at work already a little sad, and then the first coworker i ran into revealed that she's 10 1/2 weeks pregnant and is just starting to tell people. and then i walked into the locker room where 3 more coworkers with their big, round, happy pregnant bellies were all sitting there and WHOOSH. it just sort of hit me.

but i made it through the day alright.

and then after work i went to my Gyn's office (i intentionally have started referring him to my "gyn" again instead of "ob") and i went alone. and it sort of killed me that on my previous visit i was there with robb and we were happy and excited and checking to make sure i was still full of life...but on this visit, i was alone and checking to make sure i was completely empty. evacuated. sufficiently hollow. and then it took them 4 tries to get blood, which hurt and was hard on me because they were commenting on my bruised and battered arms and "all this poor woman has been through" and i just don't want to see myself as a sickly, pitiful patient, ya know? so through sobs (mine, not his), my MD answered all my questions about when/if to try getting pregnant again, if i'll need high risk maternal fetal medicine to follow during my next pregnancy (no), and what to expect as my body changes with the hormone levels dropping, etc.

and when i got home, i just fell apart. i sobbed on robb for an hour. i felt the loss so acutely for the first time. coupled with my awareness of just how sick i was, how scary the situation was. it's been a lot to handle.

robb's been amazing. picking up all the slack around here, always saying and doing the right thing. being quiet when i need that, offering advice and support when i need that. doing all my bidding when i just can't make myself get off the couch. even watching stupid movies with me just to be with me doing normal activities. he grieved his own grief for the little snowpea while i was in the hospital, so now he's available to me to be sturdy and strong while i need him. (he actually has revealed to me that on the night that i first miscarried- thank GOD by some divine providence he was with me at the time- he stayed up all night sobbing...but i guess i must have slept, because i had no memory of it. but i hate that he was alone for that). i'm just so extremely grateful for him. and blessed to have him. i wonder if he'll ever understand just how much.

so today was a little better. my cases were fun and i have great coworkers who allow me to talk about all this stuff until i'm blue in the face. i cried in the cafeteria over breakfast a little, but no one seemed to mind.

And Then We Saw Blood in the Shower and I knew

so, clearly, there are bigger con's than pro's and this isn't actually meant to be a list to help me balance out my loss or anything. but this is how i've been thinking about it, and wanted to share. everyone out there knows (i think) the wacky medical week i had where I came closer to death than I care to acknowledge. and toward the middle of the ordeal, we lost the baby. only 11 weeks along, and i was carefully referring to it as “the fetus” or “the tissue” during my pregnancy, knowing that it takes very little at that early stage to make it just slip away...but somehow between chance and misfortune and fevers of 106 and whatever nasty bug i had, the little guy/gal/thing couldn't survive it and did, in fact, just sort of disappear. and on this rainy day today over a week after “it” happened, i'm starting to acknowledge the disappointment and absence of something i'd been looking forward to. so here's my list- it's not all bad. but it's not good, either.

-Con's:

1. Big let down. Lasted through some 6 wks of feeling like ass and then nothing to show for it.

2. Don't think I can ever watch "A Baby Story" on TLC again

3. Family and friends all bummed out.

4. Hate leaving voice mail at my OB/GYN's office since the message says "If in labor, call..."and I won't be.

5. Was really looking forward to a winter without seasonal depression since I had a March due date around the corner. Now, not so much. Have to find other excitement to keep my mind busy.

6. Doesn't change fact that friends are all pregnant or with first babies and I'm still not. Especially not.

7. I got my boobs back.

-Pro's:

1. Vino!

2. Coffee!

3. No nausea or vomiting!

4. Robb bought me awesome new sapphire in white gold earring studs that are gorgeous!

5. All those things I was worried about once kids came, I can do now. Horse back riding, theater, travel, etc.

6. No one will be looking at my belly anymore, so I can put it back under wraps.

7. I got my boobs back.

8. As my mother-in-law pointed out, now I know that I can get pregnant, which is a relief.

The Oven's Too Hot- Don't Cook the Baby!

so i've had a fever for the last few days w/ some aches and pains and some GI issues. no big deal, right? i'm sure it's just viral and will pass on its own. buuuuttt...when there's a wee little fetus dependent on a healthy, stable environment, one has to worry. so i called my OB and his rule was that if, after tylenol, my temp didn't go below 101.5, i should call him back. which it didn't, and i did. and he told me to go to the hospital. i did and of course there was nothing to find. but it was reassuring to see heart beat on ultrasound and be told that i was fine.

so that's my excitement. i feel better this morning, other than a little headache. the last tylenol i took was 5 hrs ago and i'm neither sweating to the furniture or freezing and shaking violently. so that's good! don't cook the baby!

Baby Humans Not the Sharpest Crayon in the Shed

so, i wrote this little diatribe on my other blog last april after an easter sunday spent w/ some of my coworkers kids. they're adorable and i'm sure quite age-appropriately brilliant, but i mused on how long it takes for kids to have functional, life-sustaining little brains. and an article this morning on cnn about how dogs are smarter than toddlers made me think of it.

.......................................................................................................................................................

i'm addicted to one of my coworker's 9 month old baby boy. he's got the cutest, fattest little...everything. face, feet, thighs, eyelashes. all of it. he's like a blond, blue-eyed little cherub. a tiny bit "children of the damned," but in a totally cute way. he's the absolute picture of rosy glowing baby health.

i really love spending time with kids. they're so loving and warm and funny. but i must say, the young of our species are exceptionally dumb. i am by no means referring to my coworkers' children specifically-i gather they're all at or above average intelligence for their age. but...in general, babies and young kids have very little problem-solving skills and zero survival instincts. i mean, for pete's sake, it is many, many years into their existence before they can even use doorknobs! and it would be utterly impossible for them to survive in the wild. in fact, they seem to be deliberately trying to off themselves. they toddle out into traffic, they fall into open manholes and wells, they stick fingers in electrical sockets, they drink poisonous substances, they play with knives...i suppose all the while assuming SOMEONE will come to their rescue. (after all, someone already opens doors for them). i'm just saying. if a lion cub or an eaglet was born as slow and awkward as a baby human, they would surely be eaten and/or fall from a tree. baby humans are more like baby cows and horses- clumsy and sort of wandering the world, lost and stupefied. i suppose that's why we eat veal and not lion cub, huh?

anyway. i'm just sayin'.