Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming...

i've been doing my best to stay calm and positive. and i'm doing one heck of a job, i must say.

but the fears do creep in. of course, every gas pang i have i need to convince myself isn't a uterine cramp. and i am still taking my temp every day to make sure it stays up...and ok, this is gross, but every time i pee, i am looking for any evidence of that sad red stuff.

but other than that, i'm doing pretty well.

except for the nightmares. i've had a couple recently centered around miscarrying. not actively in the process of it, just the idea of it. but the details never add up and when i wake up i kind of know it's not real and am not too worried.

i feel a moment of panic every time we tell anyone our news. but then i'm also glad. i want an army of people out there with prayers and well wishes. maybe if everyone we know is sending our little wee one positive energy, good things will happen. and eventually maybe these dreams will stop and i'll enjoy pregnancy?? we'll see. :)

thank you, all. please keep it up.

i cried.

from robb....

the accumulation of doubt and triumph resulted in tears of joy when i saw a little flicker on the ultrasound screen. it was immediate and unmistakable. our baby has a heartbeat and is more than likely going to be born in june.

for reasons beyond my comprehension God has carried me in His hands, so things in my life generally work out. when sarah was pregnant for the first time, i assumed we'd be proud parents last march. when she had spotting and we went in for an ultrasound, i knew we'd be ok. i had assumed it'd be a life changing moment to see my first child's heartbeat on the screen, but it really wasn't. it was a matter of fact.

but we lost that baby (miss u, snowpea), and then another (xoxo, blueberry), and it has been very difficult for me to watch the anguish that sarah has felt so much more acutely than i have.

i have felt grief and sorrow, too, but at no point was my biological function in question. we lost the first to a zombie bite. from a numerical perspective, this will not happen again. but it wasn't my body that endured 106*F (41.1*C) and flying pig hallucinations. so i could be confident to try again, but that didn't stop the doubt from creeping in for sarah. i could mourn later, so i had to help her through it.

the second miscarriage amplified the sorrow, disappointment, fear, doubt, and self-loathing. it didn't end with a bizarre catastrophe like the first. we had nothing but, "this happens in 30% of pregnancies. this is normal." that's great when you're being rational, but it doesn't stop her from wondering if she isn't meant to carry children. that is a difficult concept to face, and i did what i could to carry her through. the beauty of a marriage is that we share everything. usually we're sharing joy, but sometimes we share desperate devastation.

i was elated that the lab work showed her third pregnancy is healthy. i trust the lab and cumulative data of millions of women. and i'm the optimist between the two of us. but the morning of our ultrasound it occurred to me that maybe something could go wrong with this pregnancy, that maybe the baby wasn't fine. by the time we went to the doctor that afternoon i was back to optimism. apparently, though, the doubt we shared had accumulated in my heart. i felt like we were vindicated, like i could just feel some joy for my sarah, for what she had to think about herself in the last year. i cried when i saw my baby's heartbeat because of the certainty, the peace it gave her. i was so relieved for her, so satisfied to see her comforted, at least a little.

Some Good?

this whole time, these years of trying and losing and hurting and wanting to make sense of it all...i just kept hoping there was some divine reason for it. something that could be gained after all that we had lost.

last week a coworker who is 11 wks pregnant started bleeding heavily. she was, of course, terrified and dreading the awful outcome that she couldn't help but expect. and i was the one she wanted by her side. we went to the ER and shook together as the nurse tried to hear heart tones through crappy old equipment and could not. we held our breaths as the doc checked her cervix and found that it was closed! (tra-la)! and then, ended up laughing and clinging to each other with relief when the ultrasound showed a strong heart beat, active baby...with some blood around the placenta. it was such a relief. not that she's out of the woods. she is lying low for now and might have a rather fragile pregnancy to follow. but what a miracle it was to not have fetal demise following blood. i was ecstatic.

and felt so blessed, so empowered that i could be there for her and that i was the one most required by her then, with my intimate insights into how she was feeling. it was amazing.

a gift from God. and then being there when the news was good! it gave me hope that sometimes, even when things look scary, the news can actually be good.

........things are going along well with me, as far as i can tell. nauseous but not yet vomited. STARVING and then find i can't eat much before i feel ill. craving orange juice, mashed potatoes, and biscuits. have indulged all of these. a lot. my sweet sister brought me some bday/baby news presents that included a sign that reads simply and perfectly, "faith" and a jar of pickles and some chocolate ice cream. :)

my one complaint is that i have to wait until 13 wks to have another ultrasound to make sure everything is ok. i would have them every day if i could. :) but i now have faith. it's on my wall. :)

and patience is a....something...that's another symptom. i'm a little forgetful these days. :)

Keep Flipping, Little Flipper

so yesterday, i had an ultrasound. 6 wks 6 days. AND THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT!!!! and i measured exactly where i should for this far along.

i know i'm not at all out of the woods yet. but this bodes well! and i'm feeling nauseous all the time! it's wonderful.

robb cried when we say that little flicker. 130 bpm of pure bliss. (that's normal- they're like humming birds when they first start out).

i'm overjoyed. relieved. excited. june 8th is my due date. amazing miracle. thank you, God.

keep gupping, little guppy.

This is Getting Gooder...

called in tonight and my beta hcg is over 6,000! that's a definite pregnant anyway. don't know much else yet. from the vague numbers i can find on line, it seems that at this stage i should be anywhere from 500-10,000...and i'm in that mix, so i'm really hopeful that this is a good sign.

we'll recheck on tues to make sure the numbers are at least doubling in that 72 hr spread. then maybe sometime later in the week another ultrasound?

smiling a bit despite myself.

Dear God, please protect this baby. please, please, please.

Should I Be Scared? Can I Really Help It?

scary, disappointing morning. made an appt to visit my ob/gyn this morning really hoping for a heart beat to ease my mind, or at least some labs to make sure things are progressing along.

ultrasound showed no movement. this, of course, stopped my heart. but the tech and the MD both said i was so early (5 wks, 3 days) it's likely the heart just hasn't formed enough to show a decipherable beat yet...should in a few days if all is well. so he drew a beta hcg and then will draw another on tuesday to make sure it's trending up appropriately.

i'm on call this weekend and for the first time ever am kind of hoping to get called in so that i can check my labs on the hospital online charting system.

it was hard to see ANOTHER still ultrasound. but i have symptoms, there's no blood, and it is REAAAALLY early.

so i'm praying and begging that it's just a matter of time and patience and all will be well.

please, God. let it all be well.

Reluctantly Excited

all the symptoms are here, but it still could be so many things.

i am urinating all the time, my breasts feel like they've been caned (or how i would imagine caning might feel), i'm nauseous and hungry both and i'm taking a lot of naps.

and, of course, there was the positive urine pregnancy test last saturday.

but all of this could still just be a chemical pregnancy, an empty sac, a hysterical pregnancy, etc, etc.

i am so afraid to be happy for fear that i will feel like a dope when i get crushed again.

God, please save this baby.

Seriously, I have So Much More Compassion for Menopausal Women

hot flashes are for the birds. i wouldn't actually wish them on birds. with Clomid, i've been getting raging hot flashes that last about 1 1/2 wks during my cycle. it happens so randomly, and so completely, it feels like i am blushing from head to toe or like i just ran up 10 flights of stairs but am somehow not winded. it's a crazy sensation and it's very annoying. so mom, when i used to tease you about stripping down to your skivvies in the kitchen in january when a flash struck you, i am sorry. i've had a small taste of it and it rightly sucks.