Seriously! Can You Stop Talking for 2 Seconds!!

i've been perplexed and frustrated about how to pray for a long time. i thank God all the time for all my blessings. i got that part down. i talk to Him about what's happening in my life. but when it comes time to ask for something that i want, i have no idea what to do. because other than "please let Your will be done," it seems kind of ridiculous to ask for stuff. He has a plan for us, He already knows how my entire life is going to pan out. so what's the point in asking for anything? unless what i want happens to jive with what He wants, i doubt very much i have the influence to change His mind. after all, He knows what is best for me, even if sometimes it seems like the total opposite of what i think is best for me. and, He already knows what i want. He can read my mind. right now i'm hungry and my right knee kinda hurts. but He knows that already. what's the point in asking for food or healing?

or, on a bigger note, what's the point in asking for a child when He is already either going to provide us with one or not. do i dare ask Him to hasten the process or give me some clue as to if/when this might happen for us? i just don't think so. if He doesn't want us to have a kid until i'm 45 years old and it will happen because some orphanage is hit by an earthquake and all those kids need good homes....how am i supposed to know to anticipate and be patient for that? again and again i just wish i had a time line of my life laid out before me like in "alice in wonderland." because i truly believe that if i wasn't supposed to meet my kid until 2025, i could focus on other things until then and rest assure that it would come about at that time.

but i got some insight into this struggle on sunday at church. the message was something from Acts and i only paid attention to just a little bit of it, but what i got from it was: just shut up and listen to God.

oh.

i guess i hadn't tried that. all this time i've been wringing my hands, trying to guess what His plans might be for me. what if i just meditated and was quiet for a while? might he tell me His plan? hmmmm....

we'll see.

Happy? Maybe so.

every time i need a good cry, i watch the movie "steel magnolias." it is devastating. beautiful, sweet, funny, wonderful, but terribly sad. on average, i'd say that i watch it once a month. and have for about 10 yrs. i know every line.

and i've been wanting to get back on stage. a while back i auditioned for "annie" at a local theater and didn't get in. so i've been keeping my eyes peeled for other opportunities.

i've also been discovering, in therapy, that i need to find happiness outside of the happenings in my ovaries/uterus/cycle. i have to have more to live for. horse back riding lessons was a good diversion for a while, as is writing in my blogs.

but on sunday i rather spontaneously went on another audition. this one was for "steel magnolias" the straight play (on which the movie is based- well, really, the movie is almost line-for-line out of the play). and i got a part! a great part! one of the leads! i am overjoyed. it's a huge responsibility as the character is so vivid and dynamic and complicated. not to mention the 40 pages of script for which i have to memorize lines and blocking. but it feels so right. the character is going through things that only just this year i can relate to. i feel like, with some work, i can really understand her and make her real for people.

and i am so pleased. so excited. so challenged, stimulated. feeling like myself again a little with something huge and adventurous, scary, and wonderful to look forward to. and it has nothing to do with my luteinizing hormone. thank God. :)

Same Ol', Same Ol'

fighting through a lot of anger this week. having trouble being loving and gracious to the prego coworkers who can talk of nothing else.

and i can't help but look at them with fear and pity as they're sharing their joyous news with everyone in the building and are only 5 wks along. today when one was complaining about already feeling fat, i said that when i thought i was 8 wks, but the baby had actually died at 5, i had in fact gained weight, also. that was just mean and dumb to say, since she is at 5 wks now. she doesn't need the reminder to be worried about her pregnancy. i'm sure she's managing worry all on her own without my gory tales.

but it just came out because i am seething inside all the time and biting my lip to keep from shouting.

Lord, give me strength to indulge in these conversations and go to their baby showers and moon over their baby pictures of babies born around the time i was supposed to have mine. Lord, let me not feel left out or be bitter toward these women who are getting blessings that i want. thank You for these blessings for them. thank You for not making them suffer loss or challenges. please keep reminding me that You have a plan for me and maybe my children and that this is not a competition. i am not failing. i have not failed. i really need you to remind me of that one. please.

i am just so tired of this hurt and frustration. therapy tonight didn't ease my mind, it just made me more anxious. i'm guess sometimes tearing off the scab hurts more than it heals.

Holy Furnace, Batman

it must be very hot work, that making eggs. because my ovarian-baby-juice-making-complex is on overdrive with the clomid.

hot flashes galore! i was getting all cocky that i had gotten through this round without side effects and then BLAMMO! outside temperature is 80, inside temp is 1000.

i feel bad for all the menopausal folks out there. these hormonal changes are not for the faint of heart.

do i need to join that purple red hat club thing now?

Boy, Was It Good

this would have been an even worse day without the therapy i sustained last night. :)

it's SO good to talk about yourself for an hour and not to have to worry about anyone else's concerns. it's not being fat headed, but rather productively sharing. to hear from an expert that i'm not crazy at all, i'm just getting through grief and shock and disappointment. i will keep right on paying him to reassure me of my own sanity and strength.

he kept telling me i was still grieving and to let myself do that. instead of being fixated on the future and successful pregnancies and such, allow the bad days to be bad and the tears to come. and he told me i have a choice of how to approach the potential for bebes...either i can go forth negatively, cynically, and with fear (status quo) or i can take one day at a time and assume that at the conclusion of some number of these days we will meet our child....either way, the outcome will most probably be the same. we will achieve this goal and meet our kid. it's whether i lose myself in the process or rally and carry on.

so today i was late-ish on my period and the signs were all over the map, it seemed to me like i must either be pregnant or more broken than i knew. i took yet another negative pg test. and then i started my (better late than never, i always say) period.

and then i promptly learned of another coworker's pregnancy after only 2 months of trying...

so far, i haven't gotten too buried or desperate. i am trying to keep my head up and keep keeping on. and i'm trying to remember that this isn't a competition. and life may not necessarily feel fair, but that's not an equation i want to try to solve.

i suspect i'd end up on top anyway.

and i recognize in my more charitable moments that sometimes there's more value in not getting what you want, or in having to wait for it.

for (rather morbid) example, i would never have chosen to let my sister die, if given the chance. i would have done anything to prevent it. and it felt very unjust that i had to suffer the loss of my best little friend. but i've never regretted the person i became after being faced with her death. the perspective and wisdom and character that i couldn't have developed any other way.

now that's about as much maturity and grace as i can muster right now. i will probably casually mention to these coworkers tomorrow at work that i had sushi and wine tonight and boy, was it good.

:)